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Confessions From the Past

The Chapter About When


WELL? When?

I’ll cut to the chase.

You just finished reading two years worth of messages to your pen pal. (I know, I know, you hate when I call her that but, seriously, what else is there?) You were expecting to find some hidden answer to all the questions you’ve asked yourself over the course of the last couple of years and you know what you found?

Not shit.

Know why?

Because you KNOW the answers. You know what you just learned from rereading ancient messages for the last two hours? That everything, EVERYTHING, is exactly as it was when all your confusion started. It was like watching the same episode of a show over and over and OVER again. For TWO YEARS.

So, basically, I’ve decided to take matters here into my own hands. In the past, if you will, just in case your dumbass is still in the same exact place two MORE years from now. Ready? Of course you’re not, you’re too busy contemplating whether or not you’re ready! NOTICE. ALL. THE CAPTIAL. LETTERS. I am trying to make a point!

Let me first start off by saying, you know what you want. You have known for the last two years what you want. You’re just too afraid it might not work out. And, ya know what? It might not. It might turn out to be the biggest shit show of your whole entire life, thus far. Ya know what else? You COULD regret everything. It sounds great on paper and it looks beautiful in your head, but the truth is that it may not be. Almost nothing in this world plays out the way it does in dreams but that hasn’t stopped you from writing to a stranger for the last two years about how much of your heart is invested elsewhere. It hasn’t stopped your mind from wandering to places you know it shouldn’t be at all hours of the day and night. And it will not stop how you feel, right now, in this very moment and have for over two years of your adult life. The other reality is that your window of opportunity may close at any moment, if it hasn’t already. Yes, if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen but someone’s also gotta make that happen. Let me remind you that there have been several failed attempts from the opposite party to make it happen. The ball has been in your court for a very long time now.

Let me also remind you that I know this isn’t easy. That you know it isn’t fair and that it seems to hold true when they say breaking a heart is much worse than getting your own broken. You have never experienced this before and are trying to navigate it the best way you can without making too many irrational decisions.

But maybe you’ve already been making irrational decisions.

It is okay to stop feeling the way you once did. It’s okay to change how you feel and what you want. And you have. You can deny it all you want and never say it out loud, but you have.

I know it isn’t going to be easy and that you’re going to look back and read this and tell yourself you were wrong because, for a period of time, I’m sure you will genuinely believe that. But I’m right here, living it currently so, let me tell you; I wouldn’t be writing this to you if I felt that holding on would be the more viable option. You aren’t confused. You know what you want. You’re just too scared to do it and you’ll never get out of that same episode playing over and over again if you don’t do something about it.

There’s an episode from your favorite TV show where the main character asks a groom that was left at the alter why he isn’t more upset. “She was wonderful,” the groom says in a German accent. “Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand.” To which, the main character asks what he means. “It means ‘the thing that is almost the thing that you want, but is not quite.”

That is how you’ve described these feelings to some of the people who are closest to you.

It’s how you feel.

It’s sad. But it’s okay.

It’ll be okay either way, no matter where you are in life right now; rewatching the same episode play over and over, crushed from the let go, or happy from the moving on. Opposite parties aside, this is truly about you. Who do you want to be? And what makes you feel that way?

Hang in there.