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Confessions From the Past

The Chapter About August


Well, I’ve been avoiding you. And everything important, essentially. But, hey, I’ve been doing that for quite some time now; no big deal, right?

I don’t even know where to begin.

Also, I just erased the entire page I’d just written. If that doesn’t remind you of how stressful this phase of life was, I don’t know what will.

Aside from my being about to tell you all about it, of course…

Well, to start off, you got the job you’ve been wanting for months…YAYAYAYAY! (I imagine the excitement has worn off over the years.)You are an official music teacher now! For months and months and MONTHS, it’s seemed, you’ve been applying and interviewing everywhere and FINALLY you not only got the job you’ve wanted, but you got the job you’ve wanted at the exact place you’ve wanted it.

Cool, huh?

And, to make things even better, you got a great new apartment! It even allows pets so you can take your dog! And it has lots of cute little pathways you can walk him and everything! And you’re getting a queen sized bed for the first time ever! And you’re only a few hours away from home so you can come back any time you want! And you get weekends off now!

Ah, yes, life is sweet.

But, let me tell you. You’re timing is shit. It always has been. I hope you’re smiling as you read this in the future and thinking “Ah, man. That was a crazy time in my life and I learned so much and became such a better person because of it.”

You’re kind of a mess and a total cranky bitch over it right now though but it’s cool. People get it.

Three weeks ago, the unknown seemed so…unknown…ya know? Like, “OMG, holy crap, what am I gonna do if this doesn’t work out?” You’d think all those thoughts were gone now, right?

(Cue evil laugh from the inner part of you that has such a twisted sense of humor but can at least giggle about all this shit.)

Your jobs and living arrangements are not the only things changing.

Three weeks ago, before you’d gotten that job offer email, before you’d even applied for your apartment, you were sitting exactly where I am right now, at your Boring Ass Job. You were upset over an argument you’d had with your boyfriend and had gotten lost in messages from about three years ago from your online friend and muse. (Does this sound better than pen pal? I don’t know yet.) The messages were from before you’d even met your soon to be long term boyfriend; days before, in fact. They were about your good friend and cafeteria confidant. This is what you’d forgotten you’d said:

“He is the only person I know that will give me their full, undivided attention. He listens to me whine and whine over and over again about things that don’t matter. He knows when to listen and when to offer advice. He never gets bored of me or tells me I’m stupid for feeling the way that I feel. I admire how strong he is and his faith in God and want to have that myself. He takes care of me and is truly one of my best friends.”

And after years of holding onto this feeling and taking more emotional abuse than anyone should ever have to in any relationship, let alone one that was supposed to lead to marriage, this paragraph that you wrote almost three years ago is the thing that put everything in perspective and made you realize how you should feel when someone truly loves you.
You do not have schedule your life around someone else. You do not have to bail on plans with your family and friends to be with your significant other. You do not have to do everything according to them and make every decision with their consent. You do not have to sit and listen to someone tell you that you’re not doing anything right when your actions don’t please them or be told that you are disgusting or unworthy of anything in the world. You do not have to continue to be a part of something that is not helping you grow as a person or feel loved the way everyone should be loved. And you do not have to remain in an unhealthy relationship just because you will be living in the same town now.

Things are getting worse by the day and should your faith in this decision ever waiver, I hope you reread what you, yourself have written and remind yourself of the love that you deserve.

It’s gonna be a bumpy, scary ride. This month has come with more changes and obstacles than you’ve essentially ever faced. But you needed this. You needed August.