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Confessions From the Past

The Chapter About Wine and Wedding Dresses


Hey. Um. Awkward. Been a while. Again, with the whole ‘nothing’s really happening except everything actually is changing and you’re fighting an internal battle like no other’ thing. So. Yeah.

You just finished having dinner with some college friends. Well, friends of college friends, mostly. Girlfriends and fiances and wives of your significant other’s friends, really. You know.

I’m not sure if you remember this night or just how defining it will end up being in the long run but I figured I’d refresh your memory with my whole just living it and all.

You and your roommate headed over a few hours ago to your friend’s (I mean, you ARE friends) new apartment. She’s getting married in three weeks and couldn’t resist trying on her wedding dress to show the two of you. She looked beautiful as she sat in her dress in one of her new dinning room chairs discussing wedding details like how she felt when she first tried it on and whether or not she should wear her hair down when the day came. For the rest of the night, you spoke of nothing but marriage, their new apartment, and what she, your roommate, and their significant others were rated as for a personality quiz that had “changed their LIVES,” all while examining engagement rings on Pinterest over wine and hiding the surprise of knowing your roommate is getting engaged on New Years Eve in a few weeks.

You cut yourself off after three big glasses but it was hard.

Sometimes, just for a second or two, I think I could be that person. That person that likes to talk about nothing other than their husband or fiancé or boyfriend and how compatible they are based on a podcast. And drinks wine in the suburbs with their friends in their wedding dress. And reads books on marriage and relationships and talks about how much it’s made them a better significant other.

But, most times, like tonight, I just want to pack every bag I have and run away from it all. Because there, wherever they ARE, is a destination I’m afraid I’ll never reach.

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to run away before. Even when things were rough in high school with boys and friends and whatever, I never remember wanting to leave the life I had, even if only for a second. But now, sometimes all I can think about is how great or little of an impact I would have here if I were just driving to work one day and never stopped. Because I don’t know if I’ll ever be anyone other than the friend that always says “I’m just not ready for marriage yet,” and takes a big gulp of wine while steering the conversation back to how “SPARKLY YOUR RING IS!”

Not everyday, but a lot of days, I pray that God makes me one of these people. That He makes something in me click and realize how grateful I should be for my boyfriend and how much I SHOULD want to get married just like he wants to. But tonight, when your roommate asked you more about how you’ve been feeling and you opened up just a little, she asked if she could pray for you. And she didn’t ask God to change your mind. Instead, she asked Him to give you peace tonight as you fall asleep and that He help you navigate your constant battle with forgiveness and the future. And that your boyfriend be more understanding of this place you’re in. So tonight, as I write this to you, I can’t say I feel like navigating this confusion is or will get any easier any time soon. And I can’t say I feel at peace. But it was nice to have someone asking God to help with the pain on your behalf. And it was nice to ask for acceptance from yourself, of yourself, instead of how to change. Maybe the peace and right directions will come soon.

And maybe I will sleep tonight.