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Confessions From the Past

The Chapter About Puppy Dogs and Cotton Candy


"Relationships aren't always puppy dogs and cotton candy," you heard your therapist say for at least the 10th time in the last few weeks. She had her usual arms-extended-palms-up-head-shaking stance.

Well, isn't that the truth, I thought. I should be the damn spokesperson for that line. "EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT! RELATIONSHIPS ARE REALLY HARD AND MINE WON'T STOP FALLING APART NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY!"


Where do I even begin? I guess I could start with right now. Right now, you're sitting on the couch, staring out the window. You can't tell if your stomach is in knots from the day you've already had or from the stomach flu you've spent the last 24 hours losing to. You thought you'd come on here and document this little tidbit (shit show) of your life in the hopes that someday you'll look back on this remember how you thought it was the end of the (absolute fucking) world but was actually the start of something you really needed.

He left today. For bigger and better things, I suppose. He got a great job in the place your heart has been hiding in since you left it there. To come HERE, to be with him, I might add. He says it'll be easy. That he's going to come and visit all the time, whenever I want. That it's only for a short period of time since I'll follow him eventually.

Right now, I'm bitter. I'm bitter because I moved here to be with him. I'm bitter because I have TWO jobs just to BE here with him. I work constantly and have no time for anything else because "distance is tearing us apart, babe." "You'd work in fast food if you really loved me and cared about this relationship and what distance is doing to it," echoes like a ghost in my head that won't shut up.

Right now, I'm sad. I'm sad because for the last year, the last three, really, I have given everything I've got to this. Never once did I give up when my patience faltered or my emotional and physical wellbeing were robbed. I stuck it out through everything so we could have another chance.

Right now, I'm jealous. I am so fucking jealous that he gets to be in MY place. The place where I found myself. The place I LEFT to be with him. The place I was the happiest. And now he gets to be there. Making more money than I do with two jobs in the place he so desperately wanted me to be in.

And right now, I'm tired. Because I've put up a fight against everything, it seems like, for a really long time and I feel like I've lost everything I've been fighting for. I think there's something to be said for someone who loves another person so unconditionally that they sacrifice themselves without even realizing it. But I'm not sure if that something to be said is bad or good.

I know we will find our way out of this mess, you and I. These first six months in this new, crazy phase of life have been really hard. But I know that in the next six months, you'll have it figured out, because you always do. I just hope that whatever decision you make is for yourself and not your relationship. I hope you find that loving yourself doesn't have happen in any particular place. It can be right where you are now. At least, I really hope so.

I hope you find yourself wherever you are, not wherever your boyfriend is. Because relationships aren't all puppy dogs and cotton candy, are they?