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Confessions From the Past

The Chapter About The Letter You'll Never Send


We met four years ago last month. By this time, then, we were already inseparable. We attended every concert, every gym session, and every meal together. We laughed over YouTube videos and watched movies together. We talked about our heartbreaks and letdowns and our successes and our embarrassments. I don’t think we were ever not laughing.

You are probably one the best story tellers on the planet. I really miss knowing someone who matched my love of story telling and reminiscing the way you did.

You listened better than anyone I have ever met, even still, all these years later. And there are days I imagine sitting across from you in the dinning commons in college telling you all about the craziness life has brought me in our time apart.

I wish I had told you I loved you too on that cold New Year’s Eve, the last day of 2014. I wish I would’ve said yes when you asked if you could kiss me. Sometimes I wish I could get the feeling of my knee laying folded ever so slightly overlapping yours out of my mind. Or the image of you smiling at me with tired eyes the next morning when I woke you up after you’d spent the night sleeping on the floor below me next to the couch.

But I’d be lying if I said I regret not telling you how I really felt knowing how happy you are now.

Because, last night you got engaged. And even though I felt deep in my bones that that should be me for so long, I was wrong.

I was wrong when I pictured myself in a wedding dress walking down the isle to you. I was wrong when I thought that maybe she would be a fling. And I was wrong in thinking that you might still hold those feelings for me for as long as I’ve held them for you, with no indication to you that I ever did.

You are the biggest secret I have and the only thing I look back on in my 24 years and wonder why I didn’t just say that I’ve never met anyone like you. That I think you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met. That you have made a huge impact on my life even though you were in it for such a short time. That you are the light at the end of this dark tunnel I have been walking. And that I am so fucking sorry for not standing by you in your own darkness because I let mine take hold of me.

On the days that I am unsure of what is right and what is wrong, I think of you and I know the difference immediately. Thank you for teaching me what love and friendship look like every day, even in our distant ‘Happy Birthday,’ and ‘I hope you’re doing well,’ texts.

I am so incredibly happy that you have found the person of your dreams when you once thought you had and she ran from you and into the arms of someone who has not loved her the way you would’ve. I am so happy you have found someone who will never break your heart the way that I did. And I’m so happy you seem to have found someone who has been all of the things you’ve been searching for for so long.

I will never forget those nights we spent talking on the phone after life got the better of us. I will never forget the way you looked at me when I was 20 years old and knew nothing but a small town and big dreams. And I will never forget the way it felt to be loved so kindly and deeply by someone who is so incredibly deserving of that kind of love.

Thank you for being the first person to show me what love looks like. When I look at you, I still see it.

I’m glad you found your One of the Ones. Maybe I’ll let you know when I find mine too.

I hope he is so much like you.