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Confessions From the Past

The Chapter About Revelations


I’m sorry it’s been so long, I know this keeps happening. The truth is, I think I’ve been hoping to finally write to you about a giant revelation I’ve had or something.

But. No revelation yet. Sorry.

The last few months have been the first time in a long time I’ve felt a little disconnected from myself again. My writing. My in tune-ness with figuring out my feelings.

Eh, I’ll cut the bullshit. I’ve gotten better (or worse?) at avoiding the things I can’t confront. I’ve shut the parts of me down again that were awakened in Chicago. The parts of me that I wanted to keep buried deep down inside forever that I forced myself to let see the light of day there in the hopes of overcoming this thing.

The long and short of it is, you can pretend all you want that you’re not in an abusive relationship.

But you are.

But the sun still shines even on the days you feel the darkness. You made the move back to Music City. You’re here. You started a new job that’s exactly what you wanted and pays enough for you to be comfortable. You’re back in the land of young musicians and artists just trying to make something of themselves and their confusing twenties. And it’s wonderful and beautiful and feels like a sigh of relief after holding your breath for a long time.

Loving people is not wrong, dear Future Self. That’s what I am learning now. There is no specific amount of love that God gives each of us to give to other people, so you don’t have to keep on worrying about distributing it equally. You can love who you love no matter where you are or what you do or how hard it is to love some people. But just remember to love yourself first so that you can keep on loving all those people.

It’s still hard. Location didn’t change that. In fact, it made it harder. But today at work as you were playing a game with some of the kids, (boys versus girls) a little girl came up and whispered in your ear something that I hope you always hold dear to your head and heart.

“My daddy told me yesterday that girls can do anything in the whole world. So, we can do this. We can do anything!”

And maybe that’s a revelation in and of itself.