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Confessions From the Past
The Chapter About The You You Were
S E P T E M B E R
Survival mode. That’s what I’ve heard it called recently. Being in a place where you feel trapped and helpless. I know you know that feeling.
It’s okay.
Typically, I write to you from the present to the future but today I think it’s more important to start off talking to you in the past because she is just as important. (And my therapist told me to.)
Here we go.
To the You you were in 2017:
I know it’s hard. Hell, sometimes I don’t even think you understand the weight and severity of the things that are happening to you because your brain is trying to downplay it all to make it seem less scary. It’s awful. You do not deserve any of it.
It’s okay that you aren’t walking away from this right now. You are scared. I know you’re scared not only of all pain you will feel from walking away from someone you have genuinely loved for so many years, but also of all the things he may do to make walking away that much harder. I wish I could tell you that neither of these things will be as bad as your mind is painting them to be but I can’t.
What I can say is that you are not responsible for anyone else’s actions no matter how much you feel you are or how much they try and make you think they are. Some things are out of your control, especially when it comes to people who feel like they have lost all control over you.
You are a good person. And you will still be a good person when you walk away from the thing that is weighing you down, no, holding you down, even though I know you are afraid of feeling like you gave up on someone who needed you. Only he can battle his demons and whether he does or not is not your burden to bare.
I know that you feel guilty for thinking of how different life would be if you never met him or for picturing a different life in the future without him in it. But that’s all pretty normal when considering the abuse you are enduring. It’s okay. And it’s okay to want more than the pain you’re feeling.
You are amazing and here is why; I remember it clearly. You are going through the worst time in your whole life so far. It is darker and more exhausting than ever. You are trying your very hardest to love someone who is making it very hard to love him, yourself, or anyone else for that matter. But you are. You are working three jobs and doing so with grace and kindness every single day even despite how little you feel you receive that from the one person you want it from. You’re teaching kids how to express themselves through music and encouraging them to be whoever and whatever they want to be in life. You throw every spec of the energy you have left into making sure they’re having a good lesson and arranging recitals for them and listening to their hopes and dreams and fears and worries. You are an amazing role model for them even though you don’t feel like it because of the darkness you hide from them. I know you are struggling with that a lot; feeling like you aren’t setting a good enough example of being yourself and loving yourself when you’re hiding part of your life from everyone and loving yourself is the last thing you feel. That’s okay too.
I know you feel like a shell of who you were sometimes. Like you should be trying harder to fight through this mess. But you’re doing all you can right now. The time really will come. There is no ‘right time.’ It’s gonna suck no matter what, where, or when.
But hang in there because you’re stronger than you know and there is so much good that lies ahead, even in the midst of the bad. Of all the fights you’ve put up against him, leaving will most definitely be the hardest one but I (you) never back down, here in the present. And that’s because of the you you are now. In the mess. In the darkness. In the confusion. In the sadness. Where you are now is the reason you know to never let another person, or him again for that matter, treat you that way again. So, thank you. You are a freakin’ warrior kicking some ass right now even though I know it feels like the complete polar opposite of that. But those days will come to an end. And you will get a new beginning.
Hang onto that survival mode and we’ll get out of here soon, okay?
Survival mode. That’s what I’ve heard it called recently. Being in a place where you feel trapped and helpless. I know you know that feeling.
It’s okay.
Typically, I write to you from the present to the future but today I think it’s more important to start off talking to you in the past because she is just as important. (And my therapist told me to.)
Here we go.
To the You you were in 2017:
I know it’s hard. Hell, sometimes I don’t even think you understand the weight and severity of the things that are happening to you because your brain is trying to downplay it all to make it seem less scary. It’s awful. You do not deserve any of it.
It’s okay that you aren’t walking away from this right now. You are scared. I know you’re scared not only of all pain you will feel from walking away from someone you have genuinely loved for so many years, but also of all the things he may do to make walking away that much harder. I wish I could tell you that neither of these things will be as bad as your mind is painting them to be but I can’t.
What I can say is that you are not responsible for anyone else’s actions no matter how much you feel you are or how much they try and make you think they are. Some things are out of your control, especially when it comes to people who feel like they have lost all control over you.
You are a good person. And you will still be a good person when you walk away from the thing that is weighing you down, no, holding you down, even though I know you are afraid of feeling like you gave up on someone who needed you. Only he can battle his demons and whether he does or not is not your burden to bare.
I know that you feel guilty for thinking of how different life would be if you never met him or for picturing a different life in the future without him in it. But that’s all pretty normal when considering the abuse you are enduring. It’s okay. And it’s okay to want more than the pain you’re feeling.
You are amazing and here is why; I remember it clearly. You are going through the worst time in your whole life so far. It is darker and more exhausting than ever. You are trying your very hardest to love someone who is making it very hard to love him, yourself, or anyone else for that matter. But you are. You are working three jobs and doing so with grace and kindness every single day even despite how little you feel you receive that from the one person you want it from. You’re teaching kids how to express themselves through music and encouraging them to be whoever and whatever they want to be in life. You throw every spec of the energy you have left into making sure they’re having a good lesson and arranging recitals for them and listening to their hopes and dreams and fears and worries. You are an amazing role model for them even though you don’t feel like it because of the darkness you hide from them. I know you are struggling with that a lot; feeling like you aren’t setting a good enough example of being yourself and loving yourself when you’re hiding part of your life from everyone and loving yourself is the last thing you feel. That’s okay too.
I know you feel like a shell of who you were sometimes. Like you should be trying harder to fight through this mess. But you’re doing all you can right now. The time really will come. There is no ‘right time.’ It’s gonna suck no matter what, where, or when.
But hang in there because you’re stronger than you know and there is so much good that lies ahead, even in the midst of the bad. Of all the fights you’ve put up against him, leaving will most definitely be the hardest one but I (you) never back down, here in the present. And that’s because of the you you are now. In the mess. In the darkness. In the confusion. In the sadness. Where you are now is the reason you know to never let another person, or him again for that matter, treat you that way again. So, thank you. You are a freakin’ warrior kicking some ass right now even though I know it feels like the complete polar opposite of that. But those days will come to an end. And you will get a new beginning.
Hang onto that survival mode and we’ll get out of here soon, okay?