Confessions From the Past

N O V E M B E R

Well, tomorrow is his birthday. In the days leading it up to it you’ve felt a string of emotions ranging everywhere from ‘I won’t care’ to ‘Please help me survive this day without crying my eyes out through every second of it.’ Currently, it’s the latter.

I thought it might be important to come on here and remind you, and you here in the present, aka me, that while his birthday was something you enjoyed as far as making him feel loved and special, it was also something you dreaded a lot.

Birthdays were always filled with a lot of emotions. Every year you’d wait till midnight on this day, the day before, just so you could be the first one to tell him happy birthday. You’d get him lot of little gifts to give him throughout the day so he felt special for the entirety of it. Then, in the evening, you’d make his favorite meal and talk about the day.

On the surface, this sounds wonderful and the part of you clinging to the good the two of you had wishes this could still be happening more than anything. But here comes the reality.

Birthdays were also filled with a sense of dread and fear throughout the day for you as the years went on because at the end of the day you knew he’d want something you didn’t feel comfortable giving him anymore. But “it’s my birthday” always seemed to trump that so after a while you stopped even putting up a fight.

I’ll be honest, there is a part of you in this moment right now that is considering getting a hold of him tomorrow to wish him a happy birthday. The wiser part of you is considering reaching out to a friend to essentially keep tabs on you and make sure that does not happen. So I’ll say it here, where it’s safe. And maybe it will stay here.

“Happy birthday. I know it’s been a long time since we’ve talked and you don’t understand my reluctancy to keep any contact with you. I also realize that this is breaking that and possibly more confusing for you so I’m sorry.

I hope that wherever you are at in life is a good place. You told me once that you were moving out west in the fall so if that’s happening, good luck. Really.

I’m not sure how much you care at this point anymore but I want you to know that I don’t hate you in any way. I’ve honestly worked through so much of my anger and bitterness toward some of the things that have happened with us in the past. There are so many days I wish I could talk to you but I think it’s more important to keep distance. I just wanted you to know before you move or before you get any older that I’m so thankful you were born and for what we had.

Sorry if this fucks up your day in any way, I just wanted you to know that November 4 will probably never be a day I don’t think of you. You totally don’t have to respond. Happy birthday. I hope it’s a good one and no one bought you bagel bites like I did last year since apparently you hate those.”

Honestly, I am so fucking afraid you are going to send that. You are home alone right now and no one is picking up the phone and the more you read it over the more you want to send it.

What I’m hoping is that you turn tomorrow into a new day. A day where you triumph over the urge to only remember the good things and not fall apart. A day where you start new traditions for yourself and make new memories and do new things.

But I am so fucking afraid you are going to send that message.