Take What You Can Carry

The summer sun felt like it was shining literally an inch above my head. I walked faster from the parking spot I managed to snag a couple buildings away from where I live, dreaming of the nice, cool, air-conditioned room with a glass of iced tea waiting for me at home.

I threw the car keys onto the kitchen counter and my bag onto the couch as I walked past it. I figured he’s home since the bike was here and he was pretty out of it last night.

“Bucks, you awake yet?” I called out from the stairs to the bedroom, but there was no answer. I walked up the final steps of the stairs and slowly open the bedroom door, just in case he was still asleep.

“Bucky?” I called out softly and all I heard back is a soft snore coming from under the duvet.

I smiled and slowly lift the duvet just enough to show his face. His disheveled hair was covering most of his face and I just couldn’t help but to smile even wider. I push back his hair and he groaned and shifted so he was on his back.

“Babe, wake up. It’s already 1 o’clock” I brushed away the little strands of hair and planted soft kisses on his face.

“Mhm…” he pushed away the duvet and patted the spot next to him, with his eyes still closed.

I grinned and took off my shoes but as I climbed onto the bed, I noticed the torn and frayed pillow next to his sleeping body. I could feel my smile slowly turning into a frown when I realized the nightmares had come back.

“Hey” I said, kissing his cheek as I made myself comfortable in the empty space between his arm and his body.

“Mhm… Where’ve you been?” he said groggily, still with his eyes shut.

“Running a few errands. I got you that bagel you like from down the street, I figured you must be hungry after last night”

As soon as I mentioned the word bagel, his eyes opened and he turned his body to face me.

“Bagel?”

“Yup” I grinned and he followed with his ever-present smirk that always got the butterflies in my stomach doing somersaults.

He stretched and I winced when I heard bones crack. “So what are you going to do today?” I asked, resting my head on my hand.

“I don’t know yet. I’m waiting for Steve” he sat up and looked for his shirt. I traced the scars on his back and planted soft kisses to each one.

“Are you gonna be long like last night?” I mumbled against his warm skin.

He turned around and gazed at me softly. “Possibly. You gonna be okay?”

“Mhm” I said, not moving away from his skin. I closed my eyes and breathed in his scent. “When did it start again?” I opened my eyes and was immediately met with his captivating blue eyes.

He stayed quiet, knowing exactly what I meant, and stared at me with his thumb stroking my face in a preoccupied manner before sighing. “A few days ago”

I sat up and held his hand in mine. “What is it about this time?”

“The train… and the fall,” he looked up and gave me a crooked smile, “it’s fine, don’t worry about it”

“You’d tell me if anything’s wrong right?” I asked as I watched him put on his wrinkled blue shirt with a coffee stain on the front.

“Yeah” He smiled and offered his hand for me to take. “Bagel?”



“Hey, come in” I smiled and opened the door wider for Steve to walk in. “He’s upstairs taking a shower”

He nodded and walked to the couch, moving the decorative pillows before plopping down and putting his feet up the coffee table.

“So what have you guys been doing?” I asked, because Bucky was always secretive when it comes to his activities with Steve.

“Nothing. Just training at the tower, keeping active” he said, giving me a Captain America smile, which made me feel even more suspicious.

I gave him a look and he looked away, I’ve always known he was a terrible liar and what he did just confirmed my suspicion.

“Look, if you don’t wanna tell me that’s fine. Just… make sure he’s okay”

He turned to me, giving me a reassuring smile. “He’s doing much better, he’s talking and laughing. He’s not there yet, but he’s doing way better”

“Do you know his nightmares are back?” I fidget with my hands. “Does that have anything to do with whatever it is you two are doing?”

His smile fell and he turned his attention to me. “Since when?”

“He said a few days ago but I’m pretty sure it’s been happening for at least 2 weeks. He thinks I didn’t notice”

“I’ll-“

“You’re here”

Our heads snapped to Bucky’s voice, he was dressed but his hair was floppy and wet. He was wearing black jeans and a black shirt that was apparently too small for his incredibly huge arms. He had his backpack slung over one of his shoulder and a jacket on the other.

“So, where are you two going?” I asked Bucky, trying my luck.

“The tower, probably. Training, keeping active” I rolled my eyes at his rehearsed answer.

“Whatever. Just be careful you two, don’t do anything stupid”

Steve stood up, getting ready to leave and Bucky walked to where I was standing. He towered over me and smiled briefly, before giving me a kiss on the forehead.

“Yes, Ma’am”

“I’ll bring him back later tonight, if he can make it and not pass out like last time” Steve smirked playfully and earned a pretty nasty punch on the arm from Bucky.

Once I heard their bikes roared to life and drove away, I began tidying up around the house and cook dinner for when Bucky gets back. Having the entire house to myself is a feeling I’ve grown to hate since Bucky came into my life, which is weird because I used to enjoy silence and solitude and I found myself being more productive when I have all this space to myself. Now, every time Bucky is out with Steve or whoever, I have this knot in my stomach that won’t go away until he comes back. After finishing in the kitchen, I went upstairs to get rid of the destroyed pillow and decide to go out and get a new one, plus a few spares.

I had known about his nightmares before we started “officially” dating, or whatever you want to call it. I’ve had a glimpse of how bad it was when I would occasionally spend the night at his place and thankfully, I was never physically hurt. Sometimes in the middle of the night I would find him sitting up, staring at the wall with a balled fist, but I could always calm him down. The nightmares are more or less the same; it’s either the train, the fall, or the final moments before he was “wiped” clean.

The nightmares had stopped being a problem for months until Bucky and Steve started “keeping active”. He was finally sleeping through the night and his overall mood has improved incredibly. So, I couldn’t help but to feel a little bit annoyed with Steve and whatever it is that he’s doing with Bucky that made him agitated again.

That night, despite the incredibly unnerving thoughts that were swimming inside my head, I managed to get some sleep. I was so out of it that I didn’t even hear Bucky came in until he started to toss and turn next to me. I was woken up when I felt that my blanket was forcefully yanked out from under my arm and when I turned around I saw Bucky wrestling with them with his eyes still closed. His breathing was shallow and there he was sweating like he had just run a marathon.

“Bucky” I sat up and put my hands on his head, stroking them gently and not make any sudden movements.

His body relaxed as he pressed his face into my palms. His breathing eased off and I could see the tension leaving his shoulders and neck.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled into my hand, not opening his eyes.

“It’s okay, I’m here. It’s just a dream,” I said in a soothing voice, still stroking his hair back.

He nodded and repositioned himself for better comfort. “Mhm, just a dream.”