Status: On going

Take What You Can Carry

I Promise

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Hold on.” I whispered into the phone and tiptoed my way out of the bedroom. “Hey, sorry for calling you at this hour.”

“It’s fine, it’s only… 2 AM,” Steve chuckled from the other line.

“Well, it’s about Bucky.” I said with a sigh, as soon as I was out of Bucky’s earshot.

“What about him? What happened?” Steve’s voice was laced with concern.

“He kind of freaked out and broke down, a little while after you left.”

“Did he hurt you?”

“I’m fine, I’m not the one you should be worried about. I don’t know, Steve, he looked so broken.”

“What happened?”

“So, just after you guys left, someone set off fireworks. It would be fine with the windows and doors closed but just before the fireworks went off, I asked him to open the balcony door and he was standing so close to it.”

“It triggered him.” He stated.

“Yeah, it wasn’t something I couldn’t handle but God… I was terrified. It wasn’t him, back there.”

“Did he hurt you, Cath?”

“I told you, I’m fine. Bucky’s asleep now, he’s calmed down and I think he’s back.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through this, Cath. Is there anything I can do?”

“No, not right now, but thanks though. It’s just… I thought I lost him, Steve. I wasn’t sure I could get him back this time around.” I sat on the couch and brought my knees to my chest.

“Alright, I’ll think of something. Don’t worry.”

We hung up after saying our goodbyes. I felt the exhaustion wash over me as I walked back up the stairs and into the bedroom. After setting my phone on the bedside table and popping another Benzo, I drifted asleep.

The next morning (or day) I woke up to an empty bed and despite my throbbing headache and sore muscles, I sat up to look for Bucky. With what happened last night, I wasn’t sure whether or not Bucky was in his right mind.

I rushed downstairs after gathering my strength and after nearly tripping over my own feet on the way down the stairs; I sprinted to the living room, only to find Bucky sitting peacefully with a bottle of water in his hand. His hair was wet and tied up into a man bun, his muscle tee was drenched in sweat and he was clad in running shoes.

“You’re up late.” He said, taking another sip of his water.

“I woke up and you were gone, where were you?” I asked, trying to slow down my erratic breathing.

“I went for a run and I grabbed breakfast from that place you like near the Compound.”

My eyes widened. “That’s like over 20 miles away.”

“You keep forgetting that I’m a super soldier.” He chuckled.

I frowned and threw myself onto the spot on the couch next to him. I thought about bringing up what happened last night, but eventually decided against it and will only talk about it when he brings it up.

“You okay?” I said with a smile.

“I’m sorry about last night,” he frowned, his face hard and jaws clenched. “Did I hurt you?”

I touched my wrist in reflex and I guess Bucky saw the involuntary gesture because his gaze was suddenly fixated on my bruised wrist. The look he gave me next was easily the one I hated the most; he looked guilty.

“It’s fine, I’m fine. It’s just a tiny bruise.” I smiled and waved him off.

He didn’t budge. He kept staring at my wrist and eventually taking them in his hand, examining it.

“It’s not tiny. You should get it checked out, it might be serious.” He mumbled, not looking me in the eyes.

“I will, later.” I squeezed his arm and quickly changed the subject. “So what’s your plan for today?”

“I have to head up to the Compound, there’s a potential mission and Tony finally gave me the all-clear to join.”

“A mission?”

“Yeah, we got a lead on another HYDRA base and all of us are heading up there once the plan is well-cooked.” He took another sip of his water.

“HYDRA? Bucky… I don’t think–“

“Don’t worry, this is what I’ve been training for.” He smiled reassuringly, but it wasn’t working.

“But it’s HYDRA. I know it’s been a year since what happened, but do you really think you can handle them so soon?”

He shifted his position to face me and gave me a look. “I know what I’m capable of, Cath. I thought you believed in me?”

“Wha… No, I do believe in you. It’s just… I’m worried.”

“You don’t need to worry about me, I’m going to be fine.” He stood up, tossed the empty bottle straight into the trashcan and began walking up the stairs.

He turned around, his lips parted slightly to say something but he closed them again, and walked up the stairs.

Bucky left the apartment while I was taking a shower without saying goodbye. I felt incredibly awful that he thought I didn’t believe in him. Honestly, can you even blame me? These are the men that made him the killing machine that he was and I just can’t wrap my brain around The Avengers letting him even remotely close to HYDRA.

I decided to work from home for the day since today was only going to be paperwork and I didn’t feel like going out of the house. Clad in only boxer shorts and my NYU tank top, I set up my workspace in the dining room.

Hours were spent staring back and forth between the laptop screen and the books, the cup of coffee next to me had been refilled twice and the workload has significantly lessened. I pushed back the reading glasses that were threatening to slide off the bridge of my nose and straightened my back.

“You really should start locking your door, it’s really unsafe.”

I jumped so hard at the male voice coming from behind me that I knocked over my coffee mug, spilling its contents all over the papers and pulling at the cords of my headphones forcefully from my laptop.

“Oh my God, I’m sorry!”

“What the hell Steve!

He rushed to the kitchen to grab some kitchen towels and threw them to me, I quickly dabbed them all over the table to try and salvage whatever’s left.

“I’m sorry, I knocked a few times and the door was unlocked so I thought I’d let myself in.”

“I was wearing my headphones.” I sighed and threw the wet kitchen towels into the trash. “Bucky’s not here.” I said flatly.

“I know; he’s at the compound.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I needed to talk to you, about him.”

“Yeah? Shoot.” I took a seat on one of the stools and so did he.

“I figured, by what Bucky said this morning, you knew about the mission?”

I felt my body tensed at the mention of the word ‘mission’. “Yes.”

“Look, I understand your worries. You and I share the same concern when it comes to Bucky, we all want him as safe as he possibly could. But you also have to understand that this is what we were born to do.

“I know you want him to be as far as possibly form HYDRA, trust me, I do too. But keeping him sheltered and cooped up in here or the compound is doing him more harm than good.” Steve explained.

“I understand that. I do, really. But you can’t expect me to just sit here and be all dandy about the fact that my boyfriend is off, God knows where, fighting the world’s deadliest organization.”

He nodded in understanding. “I don’t know how to fix that. I, too, am still working on it.”

I gave him a sad smile and sighed. “Honestly, do you really think Bucky’s ready for this?”

“Physically he is. He’s more than ready, but mentally, I’m not so sure. I can’t say exactly how he’s doing, he’s not much of a sharer these days.”

I chuckled in agreement. “Just… Promise me you’ll keep him safe. Bring him back home to me.”

“Yes Ma’am.” He stood up and fixed his shirt.

“Where are you going?”

“The compound to get ready. We’re leaving for the mission in 2 hours.” He said simply.

“What?” My eyes widened.

Steve looked at me with cautious. “Bucky didn’t tell you?”

***


“C’mon pick up!” I yelled to the phone and threw them onto the couch when the call got forwarded to voicemail, once again.

My brain went berserk when I found out the mission was on for tonight. I’ve been trying to get in touch with Bucky ever since Steve left the apartment but so far, no luck. I was on the verge of another breakdown as I paced back and forth the apartment. The uncertainty of the situation proves to be too much for me as I held back the tears of frustration that were threatening to fall.

I laughed mentally. Why am I freaking out? It’s just a mission! Bucky’s been in hundreds of those. Right?

Yeah, like he said, there’s nothing to worry about.

The phone ringing snapped me out of my thoughts, I rushed to where I threw it and picked up the phone without looking at the caller ID.

“Hello?”

“Hey Cath.”

Bucky.

“Hey baby, where are you?”

“I’m on the jet, I’m leaving on a mission.”

Oh God.

“Where is it? Are you okay?” I said, holding back the tears.

“I can’t tell you. I want you to be safe.”

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry for leaving the way I did earlier today, I’m just calling to say goodbye.”

Suddenly, I feel sharp pain on my chest like somebody had repeatedly stab me with a fork when he said the word goodbye.

“Why are you talking like this? Stop it!”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re never coming back. Promise me you’ll come back!” I said, tears were streaming down my face at this point.

There was a pause before he finally said. “I promise. Stop crying please, Cath.”

“I…”

“It’s just one mission, I’ll be back before you know it.”

“Okay, be safe.” I manage to croak out in between sobs.

“Roger that, Ma’am. Love you.” And the line went dead.

I let my phone drop to my lap and a tiny smile formed on my lips. On occasion, Bucky can be affectionate, although not much, so the fact that he manages to squeeze in the L word before sprinting off to save the world brought peace to my incredibly chaotic mind.

I walked to the kitchen counter and slowly sat on one of the stool, ultimately deciding to redo all the work that Steve ruined.

***


It’s been 2 weeks since Bucky left with The Avengers on their mission and to say that I’m freaking out would be an understatement. I tried to spend most of my days at the store – which was back to its glory thanks to Earth’s Mightiest Heroes – to keep my mind from tearing itself apart. It worked for the first couple of days but when the boredom strikes, that’s when the negative thoughts come in.

“You sure you don’t need company?” Jessica said from behind the counter to where I was sitting, (or sulking) in the back office.

“I’m fine. I just need to get myself used to these trips.” I huffed.

“Where did you say he’s off to, again?”

“Some country in Asia.” I lied.

“Wow, some business trip. Do you know when he’ll be back?” Jessica peeked through the doorframe.

“No.” I rested my head against my hand. “It’s tricky with what he does, sometimes things go to shit and he’s gonna have to clean it up.”

She nodded.

“Besides, I have to do something tonight.” I said, more to myself than to Jessica.

After closing time, I took my cranky Honda Civic and drove to the square and parked right in front of a tiny office that still has its lights turned on. I put my phone in my back pocket and walked inside the almost vacant office.

“Do you have an appointment?” asked the lady behind the front desk.

“Uhm, no. I usually just come in and–“

“You can’t have a session without an appointment,” She said sternly. “Especially at this hour.”

“Yeah, I know. I thought I could just pick up where I left off.” I mumbled. “Alright then, I’m out.” I said, giving her a forced smile before walking out.

Just as I was about to get into my car, the office door opened and walked out a middle-aged man with unruly grey hair, sporting a hopeful smile on his face.

“Catherine, it’s been a while.” He breathed.

“Dr. Crane.”
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HAAAAAAYYY I'm baaaaaaaaack! Okay, I'll be updating more frequently now that I have a few chapters written up already.

AS USUAL, commmmmeents and feedbacks pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :)