Borderline

Every moment you spent with Alex you were flying closer and closer to the Sun. It wasn’t until you felt the wax dripping down your back that you knew you’d gone too high. Before you had the chance to catch your breath, you were drowning in the ocean.

Marianna and Vivian met through a mutual friend a few years ago at a costume party. Marianna was dressed as Dorothy. She had her hair in high pigtails and carried a basket full of party favors that everyone in the room wanted to get their hands on. When Vivian showed up with her skin painted green as the Wicked Witch of the West, she thought that it was the beginning of a perfect friendship. Marianna was kind and bubbly, and she radiated with joy. She never kept it a secret that she liked to party. She was in her prime surrounded by a pack of quick friends with a drink in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. Before Ty was born, Vivian and Marinna spent most of their weekends out at clubs and bars, looking for a free drink and warm bed. They were the inseparable duo that took New York City by storm. When Vivian announced that she was pregnant, Marianna did not cry tears of joy for her friend. Instead, she was bitter towards Vivian’s new habits- her disinterest in going out, her newfound obsession with baby clothes and stuffed toys and the constant chattering of nursery décor and pregnancy books. It was the first time in Marianna’s life that she felt the harsh sting of jealousy.

Marianna was not happy to move in when Vivian asked. She partially agreed out of loyalty and partially to cut down her cost of living. She was bored by Vivian’s new mundane day to day and found her company suddenly stifling.

Borderline Personality Disorder. Marianna scoffed at her diagnosis. Time after time, a doctor would come along and try to hammer the same nail in. Marianna seriously doubted the existence of such a disorder. After all, didn’t physicians used to pin all emotional women as Borderline? She had no interest in being poked, prodded, zapped, or dumbed down by any of the treatments her doctors had to offer.

Every time she went in for a checkup, he would insist that at the very least she should join a peer counseling support group. Marianna was skeptical of the peer chat. Besides, who used chatrooms anymore? It was a particularly boring night when Vivian’s only desire was to soak for hours in the tub. She decided to check out the group out of boredom, of course. She even went through the trouble of snapping a picture to upload to her profile. When she hit begin, the chat automatically matched her to someone in the area.

Astroboy3000. She opened his profile. Marianna thought that for a boy, he was rather beautiful and extraordinary looking. His skin was tanned, and he had inviting dark chocolate colored irises. On his left shoulder, she could see the ink of a creature with tentacles creeping up his skin. He had a septum piercing and a small black plug in each ear. His dark curls seemed to pile on top of one another effortlessly. Marianna had spent her fair share of time with boys who looked like him, and he smelled like trouble. The problem with Marianna was that she liked trouble. She was a magnet to it, in fact. Without the excitement of an unhinged individual in her life, she found it difficult to find a reason to go about her day.

Astroboy300: Have you ever been to outer space?

It took a few minutes for her to muster up a response. She didn’t care to notice that his greeting was unusual and off topic in a chatroom that took itself so seriously.

Mars: Not yet.

There was something about the two of them that just clicked. They stayed up well into the early AM exchanging message after message of absurd stories and sarcasm. She told him that her name Marianna, but he insisted on calling her Mars. No one had ever given her a pet name before; she liked it. He told her that his name was Alex. He was 25 and lived in Brooklyn. He’d never been outside the country, except for when he was born, and he was afraid of flying. Alex’s partner had left him for a younger, prettier boy. He was fluent in English, Spanish, and Portuguese. His family was from Brazil, and he had two brothers living in California who worked in law firms.

Marianna and Alex had just met, yet there he was, ready to spill his guts to the first person who cared to listen. Marianna wanted to tell him more- everything about herself. They exchanged numbers and texted each other endlessly. The first text she received when waking was a good morning text from Alex. The last one she sent before drifting to sleep would be to wish him sweet dreams. Marianna found herself spacing out, daydreaming of the moment they’d meet one another. She’d began to wonder if he was sent from God to be her companion, her soulmate. Neither had made the move to meet in person. In the back of her mind, Marianna was frightened he wouldn’t be what she had been dreaming of. Marianna cringed to think of the crushing loneliness that Alex seemed to lift from her spine return once more.