Borderline

Marianna was sitting in the café they had agreed to meet in. She was seriously second guessing whether this was a good idea. How many people meet up with someone they met online every day? How many of those people met in a mental health chatroom? How many New Yorkers are fucking insane? She nervously ripped off another nail and repeated glanced out the window. She had ordered the cheapest and most caffeinated item on the menu. Her doctor had told her to avoid caffeine because it intensified her already intense mood swings, but Marianna liked the buzz it gave her and decided to live her life the way she wanted. She was doing a lot of activities her doctor didn’t want her to do. She liked to drink; she liked to experiment with drugs; she liked to party. For a while, Marianna’s favorite friend was Molly. She felt at her best when she was rolling. It was the only time she felt comfortable in her own skin, and she craved the warm, tingling, vibrating bliss that Molly had to offer. She spent a long time chasing the feeling that she had the first time with Molly, and every sober second felt boring. A couple weeks ago, she went to a party with a few friends where the majority of the people at the party were messed up. It was around three in the morning when she broke off from her friends to find a bathroom. Instead, she found a girl lying on floor seizing, foaming at the mouth. Marianna was still rolling. Everyone she knew there was high, carrying drugs or drug paraphernalia, or too drunk to walk in a straight line. When she saw her, the whole world shrunk and snapped back into place. She didn’t know how long she stood in the door watching the girl shake, but it felt like decades, centuries. She didn’t touch her, didn’t take her eyes off of her. She called an ambulance, found her friends, and fled the scene like a dirty crook. Marianna hadn’t touched Molly since. She hadn’t touched anything. There was nothing more sobering than watching a stranger dying. She heard from one of her friends that the girl was fine. She overdosed from all of the cocaine, alcohol, and a cocktail of painkillers. It was the first time that Marianna realized how desperate it felt to want to get high all the time. She had always played it up that she was just trying to have fun, but seeing that girl made her realize she had a drug and alcohol problem, so she stopped. Or at least she did for a while.

Marianna took a sip of her coffee and dropped her head, hiding in her bushy curls. God, what was she doing here? This is a bad idea. She took another sip and checked her phone again. No messages. No calls. He’s fifteen minutes late. She thought about sending him another message, or another call, but if he didn’t see the other two messages and one missed call, she doubted he would see if she sent another. She couldn’t believe that he was standing her up. It took her so long to convince herself that she should even meet up at all, and now he’s a no-show? She stood up and swung her bag over her shoulder, threw her empty cup in the recycling bin, and walked out the café. She stood in front of the door for a moment and unlocked her phone to check her messages again. Nothing.

“Mars?” Marianna turned to face the boy, her cheeks reddening the moment their eyes met. He sent her a coy smile and took the last drag of his cigarette. He outed the cig on the brick wall of the café and flicked it into the road. “Sorry, I’m late. I just finishing my smoke.”
He was beautiful. Like really, incredibly, heart-wrenchingly beautiful. She thought he was attractive in the picture of his profile, but seeing him in person sent a painful twinge to her chest. “You shouldn’t do that. It's bad for the birds.”

“What?” Alex scoffed and took a step closer to her. He leaned against the wall as he blew the smoke out in front of them. He was standing a little too close for comfort. She could feel the heat of his body mix with hers.
She took a small step back as she crossed her arms and drew her bag closer to herself. “It’s bad for the birds. They pick those cigarettes up to make nests and choke on them. You should put them in the cigarette disposals.”

“Huh. You aren’t upset I'm late or worried about me getting cancer; you’re worried about the birds. You’re a strange girl, Mars. It's...great to meet you, finally. I wasn't sure if you were a catfish or messing with me. I almost didn't come but my roommate insisted. What do you say we get out of here? My apartment is pretty close. My friends are there. I’m sure they’d love to meet you.” Marianna bit her lip. She probably shouldn’t. She really didn’t know anything about Alex other than his name was Alex and that he liked to hang out in a BPD chatroom. But apparently he talked about her enough that his friends knew her, or so he said. It made Marianna even more jaded that he was so late and offered no real apology. If Alex hadn’t been texting her for weeks, and if Alex wasn’t as drop dead gorgeous as he was, she would have turned him down in a heartbeat. Marianna was cutthroat; she was cold and unforgiving and knew what she wanted. If this was any other person, Marianna would have told them off and went home. But she was so tired of Vivian and her mother-to-be nonsense that she was desperate for some fun. She tried to hang out with her old friends, but after the incident, she realized that they were more interested in getting fucked up than they were hanging out sober. She had gone through a lot with them, but their answer had always been a bottle and a handful of pills. She thought that she needed a change, at least for a while, so here she was, following some strange boy to his apartment. Alex was hot, and she was freezing, and it takes a series of mistakes to make a catastrophe.

It only took a few minutes to walk to Alex’s house from the café. His house was old looking, and not in the best shape. It was enormous but definitely outdated. Most of the properties around the neighborhood were bought up and knocked down to be turned into large luxury apartments or small shops. The houses were far and few between, and the ones that were still hanging on looked like they were on their way out. Alex unlocked the door and pushed the door open, ushering her in. The first floor had a few chairs, and kitchen, a couple closed doors and a large rather empty room with instruments strewn about. She could hear a few voices upstairs followed by loud laughter and clinking bottles. Marianna sent a text to Vivian that she would be out late and checked the time again. Only 2 PM. “Come on, I want you to meet the gang.” She followed him upstairs. Through the doorway was another large room. It had couches a large table with eight chairs, a ton of art, an easel, and a bunch of people and empty bottles of wine and beer.

“Ooh, fresh meat! Who’s the babe, Alex?” A girl was curled up in a large recliner buried in blankets. She had long, thin, silky blonde hair and the brightest blue eyes. She shot Marianna a toothy grin and pulled the blanket tighter around her. “I’m Georgina.” She flung the blanket off and tossed it on the floor and got up and dashed over to them. Georgina slid an arm around Marianna’s and pulled her away from Alex and towards the others. “This is Danny. He likes to be broody and moody.” She pointed a bony finger towards a boy with blue hair sitting on the floor in a pile of sheet music. He looked up only long enough to send her a salute then continued rifling through the pages. “Over there is Hellen,” she said gesturing towards a girl with her back to them. She could see neon blue headphone wires peeking from her back pocket and assumed that she could not hear them. She was painting at the easel. “And then there’s the Fitz Freaks, Amber and Mike. They’re twins.” They sat on a love seat together. Amber took a large swing from her wine glass and raised her brows at them. Mike halfheartedly nodded and went back to his tablet. “You can call me Georgina. Or Georgie. Or Gina. Or Gia. Call me whatever you want!” She wrapped her arms around Marianna. Marianna instantly stiffened her back as her muscles went rigid. She hated when strangers touched her or invaded her personal space. Alex seemed to have noticed and came to her rescue, pulling Georgina into a hug for himself. He let an arm hang around her waist and laughed loudly.

“Okay Mars, that’s the who’s who. Let’s drink!”

It took a couple hours and five or six bottles of wine, but the group seemed to have warmed up to her. She said that she wasn’t interested in drinking, but her resolve was weak and she was three-quarters of her way through her fourth or fifth glass of some cheap, bitter, strong red wine. She hadn’t been drunk in weeks. She had a glass of wine or bottle of beer now and then, but she had been better with her drinking. She thought she had kicked it but at the first chance she had, she was shitfaced with a bunch of strangers again. Old habits die hard, she thought, laughing out loud at the idea.

She hadn’t seen Alex for at least twenty minutes. She was pretty preoccupied learning Amber and Mike’s life story. Amber was a great girl. She reminded her of herself, but a calmer version. Amber told her that they all lived in the house together. Amber and Mike had been living in an apartment on their own for a few months, but the rent was unmanaged for them and they were going to be evicted, so they moved into the two open bedrooms when the old tenants moved out. Danny, Mike, Alex, and Hellen were in a band together. Amber played a few of their songs on the stereo which made Georgina whine and insisted they perform. Danny was shy about it at first, but he eventually agreed to play a song downstairs. It was drunk and sloppy, but she could tell that they had a lot of potential if they worked at it. Their music was emotional and angry, but it was powerful and had enchanting rhythms and harmonies. Hellen and Danny made a knockout duo on vocals. They sounded like they were born to sing together.

Georgina was a little too friendly for Marianna’s taste. Every chance she had, she hugged her or touched her arm. She cracked another bottle of wine and refilled Marianna’s glass as she slithered into the loveseat next to her. “Let’s play a game! Never have I ever! Mike! You first. First to five has to take a shot of tequila with me!” She threw her head back and took a swing right from the bottle. On cue, Alex came back with three joints tightly rolled and ready to be lit. He lit the first one and handed it to the twins. The second one he gave to Hellen and Danny. Georgina said she didn’t like to smoke because it made her paranoid and so the last joint was for her and Alex to share. Marianna wasn’t sure she needed to smoke. She had had her fair share of weed and alcohol before, but it was a lot after weeks of sobriety. Ignoring the rational, screaming part of her brain that was lecturing her about responsibility and her doctor’s warning, she smoked the whole joint with Alex.

Mike glanced over at her and smiled. “Okay. We’re going to five?” He sent Marianna a quick grin. “Never have I ever fucked anyone in this room.” Her eyes darted away and she felt the color return to her cheeks for the second time that day. Maybe no one would notice, or maybe they would assume it was just from the alcohol. Danny, Alex, Georgina, Amber and Hellen all dropped a finger down.

Hellen, trying to hold the smoke in, snorted and choked on the smoke she inhaled. “Christ Mikey, the real question is how have you not fucked someone in the room?” Everyone but Marianna burst into laughter.

“You’re all a bunch of nutters and homos!” Mike said jokingly. Danny backhanded him on the shoulder.

“Well, I’m down if you’re ever interested.” Danny pouted his lips and shimmied his shoulders at Mike, which sent the gang rearing again. “But I think the REAL question is who was on top?” Even Marianna could laugh at that one.

She stayed much later than she had planned on. It was around five in the morning when she finally passed out in Amber’s bed. She woke up the next morning in Amber’s pajamas with a glass of water and a tin of Advil and tums. She was having a hard time weighing out the pros and cons of the end of her sobriety with the fun she had vs the guilt it came with.