Alive

The alarm beside the bed buzzed rhythmically, beating at my tired ears. I tried desperately to ignore it, but the all too familiar pain was already creeping back.

In defeat, I pried open my eyes and glanced at the clock. 7: 35AM. The numbers swam a bit before settling down and I frowned struggling to remember their significance. A moment later, I’d recalled and rejected the idea of going to school.

“Fucking clock.” Mumbled a voice behind me and the bed shifted, rolling me inward where a warm body met my back. I stiffened. A lanky arm cleared my vision, grasping blindly for the alarm. I watched with sleep stunned senses as his fingers brushed the alarm, pushing buttons and pulling switches until an odd silence filled the room.

“Thank God.” He let out a shaky breath and his hand fell lazily against my hip. Long fingers slid upward, his calloused fingertips slipping beneath the hem of my ill-fitting t-shirt. They drummed a gentle rhythm across my skin.

“Rae.”

I feigned sleep.

“I see your eyelids moving.”

His voice was familiar. I cracked open an eyelid and peered cautiously to the side. Tufts of dark hair crowded his pale face. I forced back the hair and a pair of tired blue eyes slid into view. I smiled sadly and bit back a yawn

“Morning Jimmy.”

“M-morning.” An involuntary yawn spread his lips, sending a stream of morning breath straight across my face. I grimaced, turning back on my side. Jimmy chuckled, his fingers continuing their restless dance.

“Like yours is any better.”

I shrugged, glancing towards the clock. 7:44 AM. Groaning, I pulled the covers over my head; it was way too early to be awake.

The body beside me flailed about, struggling to find my face beneath the sheets.

“Raeeeeeeee.” Jimmy’s whine was fucking annoying; I flipped back over to face him. He smiled goofily, flopping his head next to mine on the pillow.

“School?”

I shook my head.

“Too many people.”

“Rae, it’s been two weeks.”

A frown eased its way across my face and I clamped shut my eyes, erasing him from my line of view.

“I fucking know that, Jimmy.”

His hand clamped down over my shoulder.

“’I fucking know that, Jimmy’,” he mimicked, raising his voice an octave or two before dropping back to normal, “then why can’t you let it go?”

“Fuck you.” I pulled back my shoulder turning the other direction.

“It’s been two fucking weeks, since you’ve even left the house.”

“Go to hell.”

“She’s fucking dead, you know.”

That one hurt. I gasped, biting down on my lip.

“Fuck you!” The words cracked, clawing past my unshed tears. He drew in an even breath and then there was silence. Painful silence, frightening silence, dead silence.

The bed groaned quietly beneath his shifting weight, I held my breath, he wouldn’t leave me, he couldn’t leave me, he…. Retreating footsteps shuffled against the cold wood floor. God that hurt. Alone, I was unable to hold back my tears any longer. They poured from my eyes, in torrents of salty water. I unfolded my trembling body and surrendered it to the mattress, which pushed back with comforting force. My own sobs roared through my ears, drowning out all else.

Something sharp edged and glossy brushed past my nose. I cautiously opened my eyes, wiping back the film of tears. It was a picture, bent-cornered, worn, and quite possibly the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. In a field of infinite green laid Anna and me, arms and legs outstretched, faces tipped towards the sun. We were happy and we were alive.

The edge of the bed shifted beside me.

“You kept this.”

Jimmy laughed, plucking it gently from my fingers.

“In my wallet.”

I glanced over incredulously, watching a grin split his tired face. He shrugged slightly; tracing the edge of my photo-self’s smiling face. His eyes jumped back to real face.

“Promise not to laugh?”

I nodded, dropping my gaze to his shoulder.

“You guys just look so alive and happy, which kinda makes me happy, I guess.”

I braved a glance at his face, which was glued to the picture.

“You’re sure it has nothing to do with the fact that we’re in bikinis?”

His eyebrows danced upward, a mischievous smirk deepening the corners of his mouth.

“Well…maybe a little, you do have a nice rack.”

A wave of heat flooded my cheeks.

“Jimmy!”

I smacked the back of his head, tugging at the chunks of inky hair. He giggled, freeing my hand from his hair.

“Raeeeeeee, that hurts.” I shrugged, glancing down at my chest.

“I do have pretty nice rack, don’t I?”

He snorted.

“Conceited much?”

I grinned, flopping back on the mattress with a resounding thud. A cloud of sweat, cigarette, and cologne scented air rose up around me. Jimmy smell, I sighed contentedly. Jimmy flopped down beside me with an obnoxious mimic of my own sigh. A comfortable silence stole over the room.

“Rae?”

I tensed involuntarily at the seriousness of his voice.

“Yeah.” All the mischief was gone from my voice, leaving it brittle and dry.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

I sighed, squinting at random bumps of plaster on the ceiling.

“I know.”

His hand found mine on the bed, long fingers entwining with mine. And I smiled; I could do this, I could live without Anna. I could go back to school, back to work, back to my life.

“So,” he began, squeezing our hands, “how about breakfast…”

“Sure.”

“…outside the house.”

“In the yard?” I deadpanned.

He snorted, pulling me up from the bed.

“I was thinking more along the lines of Joe’s Diner, but if you want…”

“One condition.”

His eyebrows shot up expectantly.

“You pay.”

I feel so alive...