Sunday Mornings

James was sitting on the leather wrapped plastic and metal chair beside Quinn's bed, as he had been for several hours now, when Quinn turned her head to him and told him, “Don't look so sad all the time, it's morbid.”

His eyes met hers and he narrowed them, stating, “That's not funny.”

Quinn sighed, “James.”

He reached out and slipped his hand into hers as he told her, “Riley and Shea will be here soon.”

“I know.” His brow quirked and she joked, “I'm dying, not blind. I can still see the clock.”

“Again, not funny.” James told her, his voice soft but firm.

She smiled gently, “Oh come on, it was a little funny.”

“No it wasn't.” He told her, watching her with hard eyes. Quinn could have rolled her eyes at him if she wasn't so tired. It was frustrating for him to be here all of the time because, while Quinn understood why he wasn't in a joking, laughing or even smiling mood getting her mind off of what was to come was the only thing keeping her sane, keeping her from completely breaking down. She knew it wasn't right to ask him to pretend not to be upset or pissed off but she wanted to.

She squeezed his hand, bringing his attention back to her as she spoke softly, “I love you.”

The corners of his lips turned up into a small smile and James met her eyes as he told her, “I love you too.”

“We come bringing a baby who's very cranky.” Riley announced as Shea knocked on the door frame to let them know they were there. When both James and Quinn turned to them Riley walked into the room and she placed Peyton onto Quinn's lap and stated, “She missed her mom all night.”

Quinn's smile was small but James noted that it was there as Peyton crawled up the bed and onto her lap, and that was when Shea caught his eyes and nodded towards the door. James got up, bent down to kiss Peyton's head, smiling as her hands came up to hold onto his face for a moment, before he kissed Quinn's cheek and promised her, “I'll be back.”

She nodded and even gave him as bright of a smile as he had seen from her in days when he looked at her once more from the door. James then followed Shea out and down the hall, and it was then that Shea told James, “I figured you could probably use a coffee.”

“Yeah.” Was all James could get out, and he followed Shea wordlessly after that to the elevator, and Shea didn't try to make conversation with him either.

Once they were seated in the cafeteria with a to go cup of borderline decent coffee each Shea approached a subject he had been avoiding for a while, “The guys were all wondering if there was anything you guys needed.”

Stating the obvious James told him softly, “More time.”

Shea sent him a sympathetic half smile and said, “I know, but really if there's anything we can help with or anything you need or anything you need to get done let us know.”

Pushing a hand through his longer then usual hair James told Shea, “Honestly... I wouldn't even know where to start.”

“Well, your freezer's filled with meals for when you go home, Bianca and Kelly have been collecting from the guys.” Shea told him with a small smile, and then when James looked alarmed at the mention of the house Shea told him, “Riley and I went over before and we cleaned up a bit for you.”

He was incredibly relieved but he still said, “You didn't have to.”

Shea nodded, he knew that, and he told James, “Noah loved it anyway, he was basically running the show directing us.”

James cracked a small smile, “Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree then, kid's gonna captain whatever team he plays for.”

Shea smiled and shrugged his shoulders, “I mean... I don't mind that thought.”

“What about Is? You gonna throw her into any sports when she's old enough?”

He needed the distraction, Shea knew that, and he understood it which was why he furthered the conversation, “Honestly, I don't know. I'd like her to but we'll let her do whatever she wants when the time comes. I'm sure after getting used to it I could handle being a dance dad or something.”

James smiled and nodded his head slowly, he took a drink of his coffee before he swallowed his mouthful and let out a sigh. This caught Shea's attention and when the taller brunette turned to face James he sighed again and asked softly, his eyes downcast to the table, “What the fuck am I gonna do?”

“You'll figure it out. You'll struggle for a while and then you'll figure it out.” Shea told him equally as softly.

“I don't mean about Quinn, I Peyton. How the fuck am I supposed to do this by myself? I can barely do this with Quinn.” James admitted, his cheeks flushed. He was almost ashamed to admit that out loud, but he knew that with Shea there would never be any judgement.

“For what's its worth you don't be doing it alone. I know it's not the same as having Quinn around but it will help. The guys are kind of keeping their distance, they don't want to interfere and they don't really know what to do or say but they're here and they want to help when you need it. Trust me, you're never going to have to struggle on your own with her.” Shea assured him honestly. The guys didn't know how to help, they didn't want to be in the way and they most certainly didn't want to take away from what little time that James had left with Quinn in any way but Shea knew that every single guy would stand up for James if he asked for help.

“I don't know what the hell I'm doing, how am I supposed to raise a kid by myself? How am I supposed to raise a girl by myself man? I don't know anything about that, and it's not fair because she shouldn't have to grow up without a mom.” James put his head in his hands, fingers gripping tightly to strands of his hair with his elbows resting on his knees as he let out a breath of air.

Shea wondered when the last time he had really let himself go and talked to someone about what was happening was. He didn't respond right away, both out of not knowing what he should say in that moment and also out of knowing from personal experience that James didn't really need a response. He just needed a person to listen to what he was saying so that he could get what he needed off of his chest. So that was exactly what Shea was going to let him do and James was grateful for it even though he could never say that.

“She needs a mom, and I clearly can't be that for her... how am I supposed to do this when I can't be the one thing that she's gonna need the most?” James asked, raking his fingers through his hair and taking in a breath of air before continuing, “What do I know about princesses, and nail polish and dance? I'm gonna spend the rest of my life drowning, I can't do this. This isn't fair to her.”

This time Shea did respond and he told James, “For what it's worth I think you're gonna surprise yourself. You just have to be there and try your best man, that's all she's gonna need and it's all she's gonna remember.”

James wasn't so sure about that. If there was one thing he had been struggling with so badly since Quinn had told him that the cancer was back and that this time it wasn't going away it was Peyton and what her life would be growing up without a mom. James may enjoy fashion and he was finicky about his hair but it was men's fashion and his hair. He didn't know anything about dresses, and how to braid hair, or painting finger nails, he didn't know anything about tea party etiquette, he could build her a dollhouse but he'd be no good at playing with her.

Up three floors Riley was sitting on the end of Quinn's bed while Peyton curled up in Quinn's lap and she was slowly rubbing her hand up and down Peyton's back as she slept. Quinn's eyes lifted to Riley, who was already in tears, and as Quinn's own eyes filled with tears she said, “Don't do that, please don't make me cry right now.”

Riley chuckled and she wiped under her eyes and said, “Sorry, I was trying not to.”

Quinn nodded her head and looked down at Peyton, still rubbing her back softly and slowly, and she said, her voice shaking, “I've kept myself from being angry over this for so long... but right now... right here I'm angry, I'm so angry. I don't think I've ever been this angry in my life.”

“You have every right to be angry Quinn.” Riley reminded her, and she knew that but she had done so well for so long at keeping those feelings at bay. She didn't see the point in being angry over this because it wasn't as if anger changed anything and she wanted to spend what time she did have left leaving happy memories with her family and friends, and to enjoying it.

Quinn looked down at Peyton as she slept against her chest and she said sadly, “She shouldn't have to... this isn't fair to her.”

“It's not fair to any of you.” Riley said softly, reaching out to wipe under Quinn's eyes for her.

“I'm scared.” Quinn admitted, and when Riley looked over at her again in surprise Quinn continued, “I don't want to tell James that, because I don't want him to have to deal with that on top of everything else, I don't want to add to everything that he's dealing with but... I'm terrified of what comes next.”

“Oh honey.” Riley didn't know what to say to her, she simply reached out and held onto Quinn's hand.

“The first time around I was a mess, I was so upset but I was never really scared. The second time it was more... I was angry and more concerned with the aftermath but now... now I'm scared because this time around I'm actually really leaving something behind.” Quinn said softly, and she had to reach out to get a tissue from the box by her bed to wipe under her eyes. She cleared her throat and cuddled Peyton a little closer to her before she said, “I just really, really don't want to leave her... either of them.”

After a few minutes of sniffling with both of them trying to get their emotions back in check James and Shea walked into the hospital room. No one said anything about the red eyes on three of them, and both Riley and Shea hugged James and then Quinn tightly before they left for the night.

James took his usual seat next to Quinn's bed and he turned to face her completely and he told her, “I need to be one hundred percent real with you for a minute and I need you to not hate me for it.”

“Okay...” She said softly, reaching out to place one of her hands over his on the edge of her bed.

He sucked in a breath of air and told her, “I'm so fucking mad at you.”

“I know.” Quinn said softly, her eyes filling with tears.

“I don't mean you in specific I just mean... I'm fucking angry with everything, because I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do Quinn.” James told her softly, and he held onto her hand tightly as he continued, “I don't know how to do this, I'm not a very good dad and I'm scared of being alone because I'm scared of messing her up even more than she'll probably already be after this.”

Quinn pulled her hand from his and ran it through the hair at the side of his head and she told him softly, “You're gonna go home after, and you're gonna get through every day and every day you get through the next is gonna be easier and easier. You're gonna learn as you go what she likes and what she doesn't, how to deal with her tantrums and when to be tough and when not to be. You'll learn how to do what she needs, you'll learn because she'll need you and you're gonna need her just as much.”

“I don't want to do this myself.” He said softly, his voice shaking as he took a breath in and let it out.

He raised his tear filled eyes to hers and she told him firmly through her own tears, “You are gonna be fine, you're way better at this dad thing then you think you are, but for the record, I don't want you to have to do this yourself either.”

James reached up and grabbed her hand, pulling it away from his head to press his lips against the back of her hand as he squeezed his eyes shut and tried his best to hold in his tears. When he thought he had control of his emotions he asked her, his voice shaking and cracking, “How do I do this?”

“You gotta have faith babe, it's the only thing that's gonna get you through.”