Sunday Mornings

A constant knocking on the front door, Peyton giggling and Nixon and Snoop barking was what woke James up that afternoon.

He must have fallen asleep on the couch watching TV because he certainly didn't remember finishing the episode but the TV was now playing The Magic School Bus. Then again, it wasn't like he really paid attention to Bubble Guppies anyway it just seemed to be the only thing that could hold Peyton's attention for more than half a minute at a time. His mother told him it was probably all of the colors. James didn't really care what it was, as long as he got half an hour of alone time because of it.

He heaved himself up off of the couch and headed to the door, pulling it open and squinting from the light outside. Pekka was standing on his porch, and he laughed at the look of James; messy hair, wrinkled clothes and a look on his face that quite literally said he just woke up and had no idea what's going on.

Pekka told him, "Thought you'd want lunch at some point today and Brooke's visiting Nolan so I'm all alone."

James stepped aside and let him in, and they both took seats on the couch as James told the goaltender, "I could definitely go for some food, just let me wake up first."

Pekka joked, "How can you fall asleep watching The Magic Schoolbus?"

"It was Bubble Guppies actually." James informed him.

Pekka nodded and then he asked James, trying to hold in a laugh, "Bubble Guppies?"

"Don't laugh man, it's literally the only thing she'll pay attention to. Do you know how much I can get done when this show is on?" James asked him, his cheeks flushing when Pekka chuckled, and for some reason, James felt the need to say, "I mean, I know you're not supposed to just put them in front of a TV but..."

Pekka shrugged, "Sometimes you have to, especially if you've got things you need to get done and your kid needs to be attached to you at all times."

Pekka nudged him and motioned to Peyton, who was pulling herself up into a standing position with the TV stand. James shrugged his shoulders but before he could say anything she dropped back down onto her butt. He was so sure she was going to start wailing at any minute, especially when she turned to look at him but to his surprise, she simply giggled. Maybe she was outgrowing this crying at the drop of a hat thing.

She crawled across the floor to them, and then she grabbed the couch cushion and pulled herself into a standing position and grinned up at James.

He told Pekka, "It's the most she'll do. She stands, falls onto her butt and calls it a day. I'm starting to get a little worried actually."

Pekka shrugged, "Brooke said Nolan didn't start walking until he was about her age."

James shrugged his shoulder and he reached out, ruffling what little hair Peyton had which made her look up at him and tilt her head. Pekka let out a laugh and the noise made Peyton look at him, and then she dropped down onto her butt and crawled over to him, holding her arms up for him.

Pekka sighed dramatically but leaned over and grabbed her, pulling her up onto his lap with ease. He looked down at her and asked, "Are you a handful?"

"No no." Peyton said, shaking her head for good measure.

"Are you sure?" He asked with a grin.

"No no no." She told him, mimicking his smile.

James let out a laugh and reached out, bumping his knuckles gently against her stomach. She looked over at him and held out her hands so he placed his hand in hers and Pekka raised his eyebrow when Peyton started chewing on his index finger.

"You people are so weird." Pekka muttered.

James laughed and told him, "What? It's not like it hurts, she's got like three teeth, well, for now, more are coming slowly."

"Ahh... Teething... kind of glad I don't have a baby and have to go through that." Pekka stated, and when James nodded his head he added, "Noah was awful. I don't say this often... but I felt bad for Shea then."

James let out another laugh, and he told her, "She hasn't been so bad. I mean... she did only get her first tooth like... four months ago and it's been really slow since but... I don't know she didn't cry much or anything. She just drools and chews on everything."

"Sounds disgusting." Pekka stated, laughing when James reached over and wiped Peyton's chin, which was dripping drool while she chewed on his finger.

He knew he was supposed to tell her no biting, his mother had been firm on that, but he just couldn't bring himself to yet. He knew she only chewed on things to ease the pain of new teeth, and he would rather it be one of his fingers as opposed to the remote or something of that nature.

He told Pekka, "She's strange."

"She's your kid." He joked, and they both laughed. After a moment or two Pekka cleared his throat and asked, "So... how about this lunch thing?"

James let out a chuckle and nodded, he reached out and grabbed Peyton off of Pekka's lap and stood up, she let out a squawk that made Pekka chuckle and she threw her arms out over Jame's shoulder for the tall goaltender. Pekka reached out and picked her up, lifting her high up over James' shoulder and onto his hip which was when James told him, "Oh, cool you can keep her."

Pekka laughed and asked him, "Driving you crazy?"

"What else is new?" James muttered as she shoved his feet into a pair of runners.

Pekka looked down at Peyton and asked her animatedly, "Are you driving your dad crazy? Are you doing that? Yeah? Good girl. That's right, you keep driving him crazy, yeah."

Peyton giggled away as Pekka slipped into his shoes and followed James out to the driveway where both their vehicles were parked. James told Pekka, "Don't encourage her man."

"I do what I want." Pekka retorted back, buckling Peyton into the car seat in the backseat of James' SUV before he hopped into the front seat. As James got into the driver's seat Pekka exclaimed, "To lunch sir."

James rolled his eyes, "You need professional help."

"Probably true, what normal person chooses to stand in front of a frozen piece of rubber night after night?" Pekka asked him, laughing when James shook his head with an amused smile on his face. After a few seconds of silence, Pekka asked James, "So how's it going, man?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "Alright... you know... working on it."

"Day by day?" Pekka asked and when James nodded he called him out, "I'm not a therapist or a post game reporter. You can talk to me, man."

"Nobody wants to talk about her." James stated, and when Pekka raised his eyes he went on a tangent or sorts, "Quinn. No one wants to talk about her, or about what happened..."

"No one knows what to say." Pekka told him softly.

James nodded his head, he knew that but then he went on to say, "The media thinks it's fair game but my own teammates skirt around the subject."

The first two weeks of the season even the media hadn't mentioned Quinn, but then it was like after a two week grace period his personal life was fair game all of a sudden and everyone wanted to talk about it. James had been polite enough, but after a while, he got tired of asking for privacy but he was too concerned with staying out of the media now to say anything. He usually kept it simple with his responses, he had gotten good at being elusive, and at skirting around answers to questions or simply ignoring them.

What he couldn't ignore anymore was what was going on in the locker room. He could sympathize with his teammates in not knowing what to say, or being worried that if they say something it might set him back a few steps again but James was growing tired of the disconnect.

Pekka spoke gently, but losing the 'walking on eggshells' vibe as he told James, "You're right, we are skirting around the subject and you're right, it's not okay. As much as I understand your frustration... it's only a month and a bit into the new season so maybe try to cut them some slack for a while longer? Things will go back to normal eventually, I think everyone's just worried about you."

"Worried about me?" James asked him, eyebrow raised as he circled the parking lot looking for an empty spot.

Pekka nodded and told him honestly, "You say you're fine, you act fine, you're joking around... but most of us see right through it. We know you're still struggling, you're still hurting and... I can't speak for the rest of the guys but I can speak for myself and I don't bring her up or what happened up because I don't want to be the one that breaks the dam so to speak."

James pulled into a parking space, put the vehicle in park and said, "I am fine."

"You're not and that's okay. Dude, no one expects you to flip a switch and be fine. You guys were together for a long time and you don't get over something like that quickly. You probably don't even get over it at all, but eventually you're gonna have to stop putting up this front that everything's fine because you're going to realize you're not fine and I can promise you, we might skirt around the subject but that will be a time when you'll have every guy in the locker room standing up for you. Believe in that."

James sighed and told him, "I didn't mean to... say you guys didn't care or something."

Pekka nodded, "I know you didn't, you'd never think that. I just wanted you to know that we're here and we have your back."

"I know you guys do." James told him as he pulled the keys from the ignition and got out of the vehicle.

James grabbed Peyton from the back, and he followed Pekka inside to a booth in the corner, where he sat Peyton on his lap and trapped her between him and the table with his arms on either side of her. She leaned her chest against the edge of the table and leaned to her right against James' arm and he watched as she reached out with her tiny arms and grabbed his hand and occupied herself with his large hand.

Once their orders were taken James turned to Pekka and told him, "It's just frustrating. People I don't even know want to talk to me about it but the people I see every day don't."

"Is it really that bad?" Pekka asked him, of course, he knew that obviously people were curious and of course the media would ask about it but he hadn't been aware that it was that bad.

James told him, "Every sports magazine you can think of has called my agent."

The influx on social media between comments, tweets, and messages when people started to find out about Quinn's diagnosis had made James put every account he had on private, and then after her death, he had actually gone through and disabled his Instagram and Twitter. He couldn't handle it anymore.

"Don't do ESPN man, they do terrible sob stories." Pekka told him with a grin and James let out a laugh.

"I'm not doing anything." James stated, and he took a drink of his water and then added, "At least not for a while. Probably not ever. My personal life is none of their business you know? I don't see the point in dragging this whole thing through that circus."

Pekka nodded his head and asked, "I get that, I do... but what if telling your story helps you? And, call me crazy, but what if it helps someone else?"

James sighed gently, he pushed a hand through his hair and told Pekka, "Bianca and Riley are organizing this charity thing at the salon next week."

Pekka nodded his head, "I know. The whole team's going to get hair cuts."

"Really?" James asked him in surprise. He shouldn't have been surprised, he hated that he was because if there was ever a group of guys that would go get their hair cut for charity in support of one of their teammates it would be his teammates.

"I think some coaches and other staff are doing it too." Pekka told him.

James instantly told him, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Pekka asked with a raised eyebrow.

"For what I went on about earlier." James stated, his cheeks flushed.

Pekka shrugged, "Don't worry about it. Are you going to that thing?"

"I don't know. I want to... but I don't know if I'm ready for that. I haven't been to the salon since... since Quinn. I just... don't know if I'm ready for that right now." James told him and Pekka nodded his head slowly.

"You should go."

"Maybe." James said softly, looking down at Peyton.

Peyton looked up at him and pushed her lips out, which made him laugh but lean down and kiss her quickly before she said, "Bye bye."

James and Pekka both laughed when she tried to get under James' arm to get out of her little trap and James eventually grabbed her and plunked her back onto her lap like she was before and he told her, "Oh no you don't."

"No no?" She asked him, and he smiled down at her.

James reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a chewing ring and he handed it to her. She immediately shoved it into her mouth and gnawed on the chewy material but the toy was tossed onto the table when their waitress brought their plates of food over.

James put both plates in front of them but slightly out of her reach and he spread a napkin on the table in front of her before he cut up the banana on her plate into little pieces and placed it down in front of her. He was sure he hadn't gotten more than two bites of his sandwich when Peyton asked him, "Nana... more?"

Pekka raised his eyebrow and James put a few more pieces of banana down for her and Pekka stated, "I do not understand baby talk."

James let out a laugh, he understood that. He didn't really understand it either. The only reason he what she meant was because banana was the only fruit she ate without question and frequently asked for more of. James ruffled Peyton's hair and then he tapped her hand gently with his fork when she reached for his plate, making the little girl giggle.

James told Pekka, "She's a motor mouth. Half the time I just smile and nod when she talks."

- - -

James had spent most of the afternoon outside; he and Peyton hung out in the backyard, they took the dogs for a walk and then when Peyton went down for her nap James went out to the backyard to mow the lawn. By the time dinner time had rolled around he was ready for bed, still, he fed Peyton and himself and then he read not one but two books with her before he put her to bed.

It was just after seven at night and James had no idea what he was going to do for another three hours. He couldn't go to bed now or he would be up by one, and Peyton was usually awake and ready to go for the day by six-thirty every morning so being up that long before she was even awake was not an option.

He tried to watch TV but nothing kept his attention, he took the dogs out in the backyard but they each did one lap before wanting back in.

So that was why he found himself sitting on the floor in front of the bed in his temporary bedroom with four photo album books in front of him and an unopened bottle of scotch was on the floor next to him, with the note from Quinn still taped to it.

He thought he would be okay looking through all the pictures, the first album had been mostly pictures of Peyton but then he flipped open the second book and on the very first page was a picture of he and Quinn years ago during the summer months in Whitby. James remembered that night; he had taken her for ice cream after a long day of being out on the boat, he was holding a cone in one hand with his other hand grabbing Quinn's denim shorts covered butt, and she was tucked into his side, looking up at him with a smile so wide even if he didn't already know it he would have known she was laughing.

James set the album down on the floor in front of him and he reached out and grabbed the bottle of Blue Label beside him, he grabbed onto the little tab sticking out of the tin wrapping on the lid of the bottle but he couldn't bring himself to pry it open. No matter how much he wanted a drink right now, he couldn't do it. Maybe it was because of the note on the body of the bottle, he wasn't sure but he set it back down beside him anyway.

He flipped the page in the photo album and smiled at a picture of Quinn and James and Noah at Riley and Shea's wedding, Noah was cuddled into Quinn's chest and James could remember thinking that night how much he wanted a family with Quinn. He could remember wanting to tell her that he wanted a baby with her so many times that day and even the day after. He should have said it.

The next page had a picture of Quinn and Steven two summer's ago, he was standing behind her with his arms around her chest, and Quinn was laughing and pulling away from him as he tried to lick her face. James couldn't help but laugh at that.

He laughed so hard that when he flipped the page and saw a picture of himself, Quinn and Peyton at the cup parade in Nashville he instantly stopped laughing, pushed the photo album out of his grasp and put his head in his hands, elbows on his knees and tried to force himself to calm down.

He was really, really getting tired of the constant up and down with his emotions lately.