Sunday Mornings

It was four thirty in the morning and he couldn't sleep, but what else was new?

James had laid in bed for hours hoping that his body would eventually give way to exhaustion but the longer he stared at the ceiling the more annoyed he got. So that was when he got up and crept across the hallway and into the bathroom where he had a twenty-minute shower which also did nothing. He gave up when he looked over at the clock and saw it was four in the morning, there would be no sleep for him tonight.

He quietly made his way downstairs and into the kitchen, where he filled a glass with two ounces of the first bottle he grabbed from the liquor cabinet and then he sat down on the bench on the back deck. The glass sat mostly untouched in his hand, resting on his lap, while he looked out at the backyard. The pool that he and Quinn had argued over stood out the most, in the end, it had been Quinn who had gotten her way and the smaller pool was put in.

Then there was the little shed behind it, that James had put in a year after the house had been built, mostly for the extra crap they never used but didn't have space for in the garage. It seemed redundant at the time, to build a space for what they didn't have room for in the rest of the house but now it was useful. James made trips out there every time Peyton outgrew something, it was filled with baby items he would likely never need again but couldn't bring himself to throw out.

The rest of the backyard was plain; just a big empty space with lots of grass and big trees for the dogs to run around and get some shade during the sunny days. It wasn't anything special by any means, in fact, James didn't consider a single square foot of the house special. There was one special room in the house and he hadn't been in it in months. Designing the house had been easy, even if he hadn't had Quinns help it would have been easy.

But the effort he had put into that room on the main floor, down the hall from the kitchen, tucked in behind the stairs was where the real special spot in the house was. James had spent months while Quinn was still living in Pittsburgh designing and building the room. Several of his teammates had even leant a helping hand when it came time to actually building and assembling things.

It had started out as a joke when James had told Quinn that he was going to make her a room in the new house where she could get ready all on her own so that they weren't tripping over each other all of the time. One he could remember her laughing at, thinking he was kidding.

It had taken an entire three week period to build the custom fit U-shaped desk that fit snugly from wall to wall, and all of the sets of drawers with dividers in them that sat underneath the desk. It had taken another two weeks to build the large lighted mirror that hung on one wall, and then another three days to assemble and decorate with his mother's help.

It had been a lengthy project for him, but he could even now still remember the look on Quinn's face when he had uncovered her eyes in the doorway of the room as their last stop on the new house tour.

James nearly jumped out of his skin when the patio door swung open beside him. Tina stepped out onto the deck with a small smile, and asked him, "Can I join you for a few minutes?"

He nodded his head and took a small drink from his glass as she sat down beside him, close enough to hear each other but not close enough to be uncomfortable. He asked her curiously, "What are you doing up?"

"I was thirsty, came down for some water and saw you out here." She told him, and when he nodded his head slowly she asked him, "What about you?"

"Couldn't sleep." There was no point in lying to her, he knew that.

James was a little surprised when Tina told him quietly, "It's very hard for me to be here."

"I know the feeling." Was all that came out of his mouth.

Tina smiled softly and she reached out to take one of his hands as she told him, "I say that because... I think selfishly I was hoping you would have cleaned all of her stuff out of the house by now."

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to, but I haven't been able to yet." James told her honestly, watching as she nodded her head in response.

Her response didn't say only physical, though, she told him, "I want to apologize for the way that things have been since..."

James knew that she couldn't finish her sentence, half the time he couldn't say it out loud either, so he spared her by telling her, "It's okay."

"It's hard for us, both of us but... Mark and Quinn... they were never very close, and that's really made things harder on him. And we know you don't really want us here but thank you for having us anyway."

James felt even guiltier now than he had ten minutes ago. He sighed and told Tina, "It's not that I don't want you here. I just... would have liked you here three months ago. I would have liked having my phone calls returned, I would have liked having you here when we brought Peyton home. I would have liked having you guys around period."

"Fair enough. I know that we could have done things better, differently. I'm just hoping that we can fix that going forward. I'd like to be in her life, and yours."

James smiled gently and he didn't see the need to sugar-coat his words when he told her, "I know that you guys probably blame me for a lot of stuff, I mean, I blame myself for a lot so I can only assume that you guys do. But I need you to know that if it hadn't been what Quinn wanted I would have tried to do things differently."

"You would have brought her back to Pittsburgh?" Tina asked him curiously.

He hesitated, it was enough of an answer for her, but he still told her, “Honestly… I don’t know. I think that I was really relieved when she said she wanted to stay here, with us. Selfishly, obviously, I wanted that. I like to think I would have taken you guys into consideration had she not made what she wanted clear to me but… I don’t know if I would have been able to then.”

“Have you thought about what you’re gonna do with her?” James wasn’t prepared for that question.

It had been months since Quinn’s death. Four months and a few days. One hundred and twenty-six days total had passed since her death and James could say that with certainty he hadn’t even thought of the box sitting in the basement behind a bunch of other crap he had no use for. It was still sealed, had never even been opened.

“Not really. I guess I’m still waiting for that moment where something finally seems right… and appropriate.” James told her honestly, and then he couldn’t help but joke, “She’s not exactly a ‘spread my ashes in the ocean’ kind of girl so honestly I’m all out of ideas.”

Tina chuckled, and James knew that she had noted the fact that he never seemed to use past tense when he talked about Quinn but he was thankful that she hadn’t voiced that. Instead, all she said to him was, “No she wasn’t.”

“How are you guys?” James wasn’t sure he had even asked them how they were doing, but then again he was sure they hadn’t asked him either.

“We’re okay. Spending a lot more time at home with Jess and Taya.” Funny, it took Quinn dying for you to realize it was important to spend time with your kids. He was surprised when she mentioned, “Sidney’s been at the house a lot.”

“Really?” James was thoroughly surprised. He didn’t even talk to Sid anymore, in fact, James thought that he was one of the ones that thought he was a colossal fuck up in Pittsburgh. Go figure, though, Saint Crosby visits with his dead girlfriend’s parents. Why the hell did that bother him so much?

Tina nodded, “He comes around once or twice a month. That uh… Russian friend of yours calls a lot to check in on the girls.”

“Geno?” James asked with his brow raised. Tina nodded her head and James stated, “They never told me that.”

“I think they’re nervous about how you might react.” Tina told him.

How I might react? What did that even mean?

As if she had sensed his confusion Tina explained to him, “They know you don’t keep in too close of contact with those guys anymore, and I think they were worried that… hearing that they’ve been around might bother you.”

James could read through the lines on that one with ease.

They were around in the ways James wasn’t.

He lifted his glass to his mouth, downed what was left and then got up off of the bench and as he was heading back inside the house he told Tina, a little harsher than he had planned, “Feel free to take whatever you want home with you. I have no fucking use for any of it.”

He let the patio door slam behind him as he headed inside and then upstairs to the comforts and confines of his own bedroom. He didn’t know why he got so angry like that, he didn’t even really have a right to but it was like lately everything pissed him off.

James was a lot more careful to make sure he didn’t slam the door behind him as he walked into his bedroom, the last thing he wanted to do was wake Peyton at this ungodly hour of the morning. Snoop and Nixon looked up at him from where they were laying, having crawled up onto his bed once he left and if he wasn’t so pissed off James would have smiled at the sight.

Instead, he opened the door again and ushered them both out of the room, he was sure that they were laying outside of his door but he just couldn’t handle them right now. He needed some time alone, just five seconds to himself.

Part of him wanted to break everything in sight, and that part seemed to win as his fingers wrapped around the glass candle stand on the dresser and it was in his hand for a total of maybe two seconds before it was being flung at the wall across from him.

When that did nothing to dissipate the rage hammering inside of his chest James yanked the two top drawers of the dresser open, one of them fell right out and onto the floor with a clamor and his eyes caught on the round little baby blue tinted bottle that up until now had always been covered by clothes.

He reached down and picked it up, carefully tossing it back and forth between his hands before he hurled it at the wall as well. It dented the wall but shattered and while the liquid dripped down to the floor James immediately regretted his decision.

It was almost as if his brain hadn’t thought of the fact that Quinn wore that perfume every single day, and he clearly hadn’t thought of the fact that perfume was a scent, and the minute the room started to fill up with it James wanted to puke. It was overbearing; the scent and the memories that came with it. What the hell had he done that for?

He pulled the door closed tightly behind him as he stepped out into the hall and over the dogs, and he walked down to the end of the hall, beyond the master bedroom and into Peyton’s nursery. She was still fast asleep as he stood over her crib and watched her for a few minutes, and then finally, James dropped into the plush, oversized chair next to her and leaned back into it.

When he woke up that morning it was to the sound of Peyton babbling away. It was seven, he had been able to sleep in half an hour longer than usual but two hours wasn’t nearly enough sleep to function on. He turned to face her, and she was standing in her crib with a big grin as she talked away to him. He asked her, “What are you doing?”

“Up.” She told him, holding her arms up for good measure.

So he heaved himself out of the chair next to her and nearly tripped over Nixon who was laying directly in front of her crib. He reached down and gave the dog a pet before he reached into the crib and picked Peyton up and out of it. He made his way downstairs, not surprised to find both Tina and Mark already awake and drinking coffee.

Their packed bags were by the door and James could have done a happy dance knowing they were finally leaving and he had survived their visit.

He put Peyton in the highchair by the table and as he went to get her some breakfast he said, “Morning.”

He was trying to be polite, and he wasn’t surprised when Tina didn’t say a word to him. It was Mark who spoke to him first, mimicking James’ earlier greeting, “Morning.”

James brought Peyton her breakfast and then he went back to the fridge to fill a glass with orange juice. That was when Tina finally spoke, she told James, “There was something Mark and I wanted to talk to you about.”

Here we go again.

What are you doing with Quinn’s ashes?

Are you going to do anything at all?

Why don’t you let us know these things?

He hoped he didn’t look or sound too annoyed when he asked, “What’s up?”

“We were talking last night and… we thought maybe we could take Peyton back to Pittsburgh with us. Just for a little while, maybe a few weeks.”

James thought he had misheard her so he asked, “I’m sorry?”

She put her mug of coffee down and turned to face him better as she explained, “We just thought it would be better… for both of you.”

“What does that mean?” There it was again; his heart hammering in his chest but this time James couldn’t tell if it was from anger or from panic.

Tina sighed and Mark jumped into the conversation, “You’re gone a lot, she spends most of her time with Riley, and as much as we love her she's not family. We just thought that it would be a good break for both of you.”

“A good break for the both of us? What are you trying to say Mark?” James asked him, brow lifted in curiosity. He was growing angrier and angrier by the second.

Mark didn’t try to spare his feelings or be nice about it when he spoke to James, “You can’t even take care of yourself right now James how in the hell are you supposed to take care of a baby the way she needs to be taken care of?”

“I’ve been doing fine for months.” James stated, his voice hard and void of any emotion.

“This is what you call fine? Blowing up at people and breaking everything in sight?” So they had been in his bedroom.

“You don’t get to come into my home, after being invisible for months, and try to make any kind of assumptions or judgments on how I live my life, least of all how I parent my child.” James told him, crossing his arms over his chest to keep himself from squaring up and clocking Mark in the face. That was what he really wanted to do, but he did have a little bit of self-control left in him.

“We just thought you needed a break. Maybe a few weeks where you get to focus on you would help you, James. We know how hard this is and we just thought it might help.” Tina told him softly, and James rolled his eyes in response.

It was like someone had blown his lid off; there was no stopping the anger from flooding within him.

“The hell you do. You don’t know a damn thing about how hard this has been. You know nothing about what’s been going on, what I’ve been dealing with and going through. I’ve been doing fine raising your grandchild, no thanks to either of you. She’s not going anywhere.” James told them, coming around the kitchen island to grab Peyton out of her high chair.

That was when Tina spoke softly, “James we didn’t mean anything-”

His voice was raised, but he was aware of the tiny pair of ears so close to him, so he did his best to keep his emotions intact and his voice from getting too loud as he told her, “I am her parent. She is my child. She’s not going anywhere.”

“Make the decision that’s best for her.” Mark told him, and James rolled his eyes.

“The decision that’s best for her is being here, with the family that actually fucking wanted her in their lives from the beginning, not the family who showed up months later and realized what they'd been missing.” James informed him, his voice lower and harsher than it had been before. He started toward the stairs and he told them, “You can see yourselves out.”

James tried not to stomp like an angry teenager up the stairs, and he used restraint to not slam the door to the nursery when he walked into it with Peyton. He sat down on the chair by her crib with her in his lap, and he was rubbing her back gently as she curled into his chest.

He spoke softly to her as he heard the front door close, “Nobody’s taking you anywhere. It’s just you and me kid.”