Sunday Mornings

It was almost three in the morning as per usual James couldn't sleep. He had tossed and turned for a few hours before he gave up and just rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling for a few more hours. When it became more and more prevalent that he wasn't getting any sleep James heaved himself up and out of bed, pulling a pair of sweat pants and a zip-up sweater onto himself before he headed down the hall.

He stuck his head into Peyton's room, just long enough to check on her and make sure she was still sleeping before he made his way downstairs. He thought about watching TV but nothing good was ever on at this time, and the last thing he wanted to do was watch some sappy Christmas movie that, given his current emotional state, would likely send him into a fit of sobs.

He hadn't been expecting their first Christmas without Quinn to be so easy. Sure, maybe it was easy just because he hadn't had time all day to stop and think about her really, his whole day had been spent with Peyton, and rushing around to get any last minute things done. As much as he knew that later that day when it was really Christmas, it would probably get a lot harder he was grateful it hadn't been as bad as he had thought it might be.

It was strange; the fact that while this was his first Christmas without Quinn it was also his first Christmas with Peyton. He had never imagined that what would have been their first Christmas as a family would turn into him by himself, and for some reason putting the two facts side by side resonated within him. For the first time in so many years he was without Quinn for a holiday, and even more than that, he was without her for the first holiday with Peyton.

He couldn't help but wonder if that was some kind of really cruel joke.

He wasn't sure why but he made his way into the kitchen and looked around, and his eyes fell on the grocery bag sitting on the counter next to the fridge. He had gone shopping yesterday morning and had bought way more than what they needed given the fact that they weren't even eating Christmas dinner at home but he was so used to holiday shopping with Quinn that he just grabbed everything he knew she used to.

He wondered if maybe she had kept that old cookbook that was practically falling apart or not.

So he headed into the pantry, digging through the piles of cookbooks and recipe sheets on the top shelf until he felt that familiar coil bound spine and pulled it out with a smile. He knew the recipe he was looking for was probably in the book Quinn had made for him and stuffed in with his suits but he hadn't been able to open that one yet so knowing it was in this one made his life way easier.

He flipped through the stained, ripped, and torn pages until he found the one he wanted.

Peanut Butter Blossoms.

They were his favorite, it wasn't hard to tell because right in the corner of the page in pink pen was Quinn's writing saying 'James approved.' He smiled at the sight, ran his thumb over her writing and then he picked up the folded up piece of paper sitting on the page next to his recipe and opened it, a laugh coming out of his mouth while he read.

'I figured, eventually, you'd come looking for this. Let me guess, it's probably Christmas and you probably can't sleep, like usual, so you thought hmm let's try making those cookies I really like. How's that? I know, I should have told you before, but I'm totally psychic.

I thought about this moment a lot; the first Christmas without me and as much as it hurts to know that I'm gonna miss out on Peyton's first Christmas I know there's so much more I'm gonna miss, but this; helping you out with these cookies is something I can do. You're not exactly a gourmet chef, so you probably need all the help that you can get.

So I thought I should probably 'dumb' down the recipe, at least give you a fighting chance.

If they turn out any good you should probably eat the whole batch, you need to gain some weight you skinny bastard. (chicken legs)

Love, Q.'

He read over her 'dumbed' down recipe with a smile and then he placed the paper down on top of the cookbook and he rested his forearms against the counter, bending down to put his forehead against it as well. He let out a sigh, took a moment to gather himself. Leave it to Quinn to somehow still be poking fun at him even from beyond.

He straightened up, ran a hand through his hair and then he pulled one of the cupboards open and gathered all of the dry and liquid measuring cups that he needed and then he placed them all in order in front of him before he grabbed the measuring spoons and all of the ingredients he needed from the fridge. Once everything was out and in front of him he went to work.

He was proud of himself for only having to restart the recipe once when he misread the amount of flour needed and he put almost double. He wasn't sure how he had even managed to do that, but he thought he could probably blame it on the lack of sleep he had been getting for the last few months.

Grabbing the cookie tray filled with his dough James put them in the oven, setting the timer on his phone before he looked at the mess in the kitchen with a sigh. Boy, he really did need help. While he waited for his cookies in the oven he started on the clean up, slowly putting things away in their rightful places or in the dishwasher. He knew the measuring spoons and cups were hand wash only but he tossed them in the dishwasher anyway, too lazy to really wash them.

When he was finished James dropped into a chair in the kitchen and he looked over at the backyard. They had gotten snow, not very much, certainly not as much as years before, but James thought it made the backyard look nice. Almost like a scene out of one of those Christmas movies he hated so much.

He wondered what they might be doing if Quinn was still around.

Sleeping for starters. He chuckled at himself.

But, like usual, Christmas Eve would have been spent in pyjamas from the minute Quinn walked in the door at noon from the salon. They would have baked, well, okay, she would have baked and James would have watched. He would steal chocolate chips or mini marshmallows whenever she was turned around, and he probably would have smeared a finger full of icing down her nose. Quinn would have made dinner; steak, potatoes and steamed vegetables, as always and then they would have curled up on the couch and watched whatever Christmas movie was on TV at the time.

Today all he had done was run around like a chicken with his head cut off. He got up with Peyton, bathing her before they started their day. They went out for breakfast, before going grocery shopping and then James had stopped by Shea and Riley's to drop off some groceries much to their displeasure, to help with tomorrow's dinner. After that they went home, Peyton had her nap and James may have snuck one in as well for himself, and then the afternoon had been spent finally decorating the tree.

He had been adamant with his parents that he wanted to do Christmas alone, as much as he knew they wanted to be there for he and Peyton he just wasn't sure he could handle that, he thought that maybe doing it alone would be better, that it would make it easier to get used to being alone at times like this. They would come and visit the day after, and stay for a few days. That he could handle.

He knew that with Quinn Christmas day would have been sleeping in until at least ten. They would have had breakfast, opened their gifts, called family and talked to them. They would have had a light lunch, a nap, and then they would have headed over to the Weber's for Christmas dinner.

This year wouldn't be much different, he wouldn't be able to sleep in but they would get up and have breakfast, and then James would sit on the floor and help Peyton open her gifts. He would call his parents, and his siblings, and Jess and Taya and talk to them for a while and then he thought maybe he would take Peyton outside in the backyard with the dogs for a bit. He wondered what he might make them for lunch, and how long their nap would be for that afternoon and then, as usual, they would make their way over to Riley and Shea's.

James just hoped he could keep his emotions under control all day.

He nearly jumped out of his chair when the alarm on his phone went off, he hit dismiss and then headed to the oven. He slipped on oven mitts and pulled the door open, reaching in to pull out his cookies. He grinned to himself when he set them on top of the cooktop to cool off and they looked perfect.

He busied himself for close to an hour making sure that all of the presents were accounted for and neatly wrapped and placed under the tree for the morning. He had gone a little overboard, but he figured it was her first Christmas and he was allowed to spoil her just this once. There were toys, and clothes and even a few books that he knew he would know by heart by next Christmas after reading them to her every night like he did. There were gifts from his family for Peyton, and for him, and his mother had even sent him a gift for himself from Peyton just like they used to do for each other from him and his siblings when they were little.

James went through the reusable bag of wrapped presents sitting on the chair by the front window to make sure they were all there as well. For Noah, Riley and Shea.

When everything was in order he went back into the kitchen to plop the Hershey kisses onto the center of each cookie and then he stepped back and took a good look at his handy work.

They didn't look quite as nice and festive as Quinn's did, she usually decorated the kisses, but they would do. Not bad for his first time baking them himself.

He picked one up and bit into it, and then he smiled and he looked up at the ceiling and stated, "Bet you thought I'd fail."

He ate a few and then he made his way upstairs, settling for a short nap. He got two hours of good sleep before Peyton's crying woke him up. He sighed, heaved himself back out of bed, ran his hand through his hair and headed down the hallway. It was repetitive actions.

"What's all the fuss about hmm?" He asked her when he walked into her room to find her standing up, holding onto the railing of her crib while she cried for him. She held her arms up for him and so he lifted her up and out of her crib and held her securely to him as he bounced up and down and rocked side to side. He kissed the top of her head as her crying slowed, and then came to a stop, and he asked her, "You wanna go open some presents? Or do we want breakfast first?"

She looked up at him, head slightly tilted, and said, "Nanas!"

"Breakfast it is." He stated with a chuckle, carrying her downstairs and plunking her into her highchair.

He made oatmeal for them both, lately, it seemed he just ate whatever she did because it was easiest. It had taken him weeks and many failed attempts to get the hang of making oatmeal properly, but she seemed to like it so he didn't mind having to perfect it. Especially since lately it seemed she fought him on almost every food out there.

As usual, he cut up little pieces of banana to put in hers, and he thought he might even try a little bowl of other fruits, mangos, and strawberries. He filled up a sippy cup with milk and went to sit in front of her. She ate what he fed her, and when she finished the bowl of fruit James grinned at her and told her, "I'm proud of you."

Peyton giggled and she reached up and poked his nose with her hand. He pretended to snap at her fingers and then he gave her the cup of milk and started on his own breakfast. When he was done she was sitting waiting for him patiently, something that surprised him and when his attention was turned to him she held her hands up and said, "Gone."

He smiled and picked her up, leaving their breakfast mess for later as he headed into the living room and he sat down on the floor with Peyton in his lap and pulled a few of the wrapped presents toward them. He told her, "Okay, one at a time, and I'll help."

She seemed content to just pat the boxes with her hands and giggle, which James found heart warming but he put his large hands over hers and helped her rip the wrapping paper open. They went through all of her gifts and made a pile of them, and then when they finished he watched Peyton crawl off of him and slowly she walked toward all of the new toys. She went to reach for the little plush puppy that James knew talked and had been a gift to drive him crazy from one of his brothers.

She paused, hands reached out and a few inches away and then she turned to him and he smiled and nodded so she picked it up and cuddled it close to her. She went back to him, crawled into his lap with her new toy, ignoring the rest of them which made him laugh.

He reached down and pressed the puppies bottom paw and he wiggled which made Peyton drop him and look up at James in alarm. He let out a laugh and he told her, "He's just like Snoop and Nix."

She shook her head, still looking at the now still plush puppy before she curled into him with a pout. James couldn't help but laugh again, and he pulled his phone out to take a picture to send to his brother. He tossed his phone onto the couch behind them and he scooped Peyton up into his arms and held her as tightly as he could against him, kissing her head softly and then he smiled when she turned to him and puckered her lips and when he gave her a kiss she slobbered all over him.

"Thanks, kid." He told her as he pulled his t-shirt up to wipe his face and she giggled.

- - -

Hours later James and Peyton were the first to arrive at Riley and Shea's, and when he walked into the house to hear Isla crying and Noah throwing a tantrum he wondered if they shouldn't have come early after all. Riley looked over from where she was standing in front of Noah by the house, holding onto his hands as he tried to pull them out of her grasp and she smiled gently, "Sorry, you just walked into a war zone."

James smiled, "I can see that."

He plopped Peyton onto the living room floor with a few toys and that was when Riley told him, "Shea is upstairs with cranky butt number one, feel free to raid the alcohol cabinet while I deal with cranky butt number two."

James chuckled and he did head into the kitchen, but only to fill a glass with water while Riley dealt with Noah. She had him calmed down before Shea had even started down the stairs with Isla, still crying. When he came around the corner with the fussy baby James joked, "It's like you've never held one of those."

Shea rolled his eyes but smiled and then he turned to Riley and told her, "I don't know, you're the miracle worker around here."

So they swapped kids, and James laughed when Isla instantly calmed down the moment she was in Riley's arms. Again Shea rolled his eyes and James told them, "I thought we'd come early to maybe help out or something."

Shea told him, "Yeah you can cook dinner."

James laughed, "You want to have no food by the time everyone arrives?"

Riley smiled gently and told him, "Actually, you could help set up an area for the kids."

James looked around and just now realized that the table by the door to the deck was missing, and there was a whole jumble of things that were clearly being moved from the living room over there. So he got to work bringing toys and pillows and whatever else was there so that when everyone arrived there was a place for all of the kids to hang out where they could still be seen.

When he had finished the doorbell rang and James went to get it, finding Pekka, Brooke, and Nolan on the other side. Pekka smiled at the sight of James and once Brooke and Nolan had headed inside he spoke softly to his teammate, "How are you doing?"

James shrugged, "Haven't had much time to really think about her today, I'm sure that will come later but so far I'm okay."

Pekka patted his shoulder gently and as they left the foyer and started toward the kitchen he told James, "I'm glad you're here, this will probably help."

James nodded his head and when Pekka and Shea disappeared outside with the dog James felt a little odd in the kitchen with Riley and Brooke. It must have shown because Brooke passed him a bottle of beer and then gave his forearm a squeeze with a soft smile and Riley asked him, "Think you could handle giving me a hand?"

James let out a chuckle and he nodded, taking a quick drink of his beer before he set it down on the counter above the dishwasher and went over to where Riley was standing by the sink. He took the knife from her and finished chopping all of the vegetables she had been doing before him, and with Brooke occupied building plates of baking to bring out from the storage room down the hall James asked Riley, "Did you guys have a good Christmas?"

"We did. Shea actually let me sleep in this time... until about seven." Riley stated with a smile.

James, as if sensing there was more, asked her, "Are you okay?"

She looked at him and sighed, admitting, "Today was a little hard, but I know it was way harder for you so I wasn't going to say anything."

James took a breath of air in and then he smiled and told her, "It was uh... not that bad actually. At least not as bad as I expected. I think... when I'm busy I don't really think about her so I know once we get home and Peyton's asleep I'll probably... it will probably be hard."

Riley couldn't stop herself from telling him, "Noah asked about her today."

James' brow raised, "He did?"

She nodded and told him, "He asked if aunt Quinn was coming because he wanted to show her his new books and if she would read him one because she reads stories the best."

James let out a laugh, surprising both of them, and he told Riley, "She is the best story reader... was."

Riley reached out and placed her hand on his forearm, squeezing it gently and she changed the subject with ease, "How's your family?"

"Good, they're good. I was the only one not home so it was easy to call and talk to everyone since they were all there." James told her, and then he asked her, "Yours?"

He hadn't even really realized until he said it that Riley didn't really have any family, but she smiled and didn't miss a beat when she told him, "They're good. Shea's dad and brother were supposed to be here but they had a huge storm there yesterday and they canceled all the flights out. So they're coming later in the week."

James nodded and told her, "Yeah my mom and dad are coming out tomorrow for a few days."

"You didn't want them to come for Christmas?" Riley asked him curiously.

He shrugged, "I did but I also didn't. I need to get used to being alone so I thought I should start now."

The doorbell rang before Riley had the chance to respond and James set the knife down, wiped his hands on the dishrag next to him and headed over to open the door. He was surprised to find Roman and his family as well as Kelly, Craig, and Carson. It must have shown because Craig grinned and joked, "I know, I'm surprised we're here on time too."

Kelly reached out and smacked him across the stomach with a smile and James stepped aside to let them all in. Kelly and Bianca went into the kitchen, and Craig, Spencer, Roman and Carson all headed outside to see what Shea and Pekka were doing.

James stepped back into his spot by the sink with full intent to start cutting up vegetables again when his eyes fell on Carson, standing on the back deck, leaning against the railing watching everyone else have fun. James turned around and looked at Brooke and asked her, "Would you mind finishing up?"

With Brooke taking over James slipped into his shoes and he headed outside. He leaned against the railing next to Carson, who looked over at him and asked, "What are you doing out here?"

"What are you?" James countered back with a smile. Carson shrugged and James asked him, "You don't want to go throw a ball around?"

Again he shrugged, "I'm no good at it. Craig tried to teach me but I just gave up and told him I didn't like it."

"He would have kept teaching you until you got it, you know." James told him and Carson nodded. So curiously James asked him, "Do you like it with them? Kelly and Craig?"

Carson looked up at him and nodded, "Yeah. They're the best foster parents I've had."

"Have you had lots?" He asked him curiously.

He shrugged his shoulders, "Six or seven I think."

That was nearly one a year.

When James didn't say anything right away Carson offered up freely, "My mom died when I was little, and some people don't like getting babies but most people don't like getting kids."

James reached over and ruffled his hair and he told him, "Well you lucked out with Kelly and Craig. Something tells me you'll be with them for a while."

"This is the longest I've stayed anywhere. I like it."

When he said this James pushed off of the railing and told him, "Alright, come on. I'm gonna teach you how to throw a ball."

"You don't have to." Carson told him.

James grinned at him from where he stood on the grass at the base of the deck and said, "I know, but it's either throwing a ball with you or go in there with all the women. You'd be doing me a solid kid."

So Carson laughed and headed down the steps of the deck and over to where everyone else was. They were playing a little game of flag football; everyone against Spencer and Nolan, with all of the big, strong hockey players pretending to be absolutely terrible. James and Carson took a spot closer to the deck where James showed Carson how to hold a football, and how to throw it and then they threw it back and forth for almost an hour.

Once they were both too cold and ready to head inside for some hot chocolate James went down the hall by the kitchen in search for Kelly. He found her in the storage room gathering drinks for everyone, and she smiled when she saw him and she said, "I saw you with Carson. How did you get him to do that?"

"Told him I didn't want to have to come back inside and hang out with you women." James joked and she laughed.

"Well, thank you. Craig's been trying to get him to give us an idea of the kind of things he likes so they can do those things more but he's just so quiet." Kelly told him and she was surprised when James immediately reached down and wrapped her into a tight hug. She patted his back gently, and waited until he pulled away from her with flushed cheeks to ask, "What was that for?"

"I just... I know this is gonna sound weird but thank you for what you guys are doing for him. I've been struggling with feeling so bad for Peyton having to grow up without Quinn but talking to him... it could be a lot worse, at least she still has me." James told her honestly, and when his eyes welled up with tears he chuckled at himself and tucked his face into the neckline of his shirt, wiping at his eyes behind the comfort of his t-shirt.

Kelly rubbed his bicep and she told him, "It's like we've always said; Peyton's gonna be just fine because she has you."

She left him alone to give him a few minutes, and James took a seat on one of the fold-down chairs that had previously been holding a large plate of assorted cookies and he put his head in his hands and sighed.

He hadn't been in there long, maybe ten minutes when a knock on the door disturbed him. He looked up to find Roman standing in the doorway with two bottles of beer in his hand. He extended one to James, and then to James' surprise he sat down in the other fold down chair a few feet away. He didn't say anything, they just both cracked open their beer bottles and drank in complete silence. He hadn't realized how much he needed the company of an adult without the pressure of words until now.

Finally, Craig called down the hall to them that everyone was sitting down for dinner so James ran a hand through his hair and followed Roman out to the kitchen. He took the empty spot between Riley and Spencer, and Pekka joked to the table, "I think the person who's drank the most thus far should give the speech."

Everyone turned to Shea, who laughed, and stated, "I got in trouble for mine last year. It's someone else's turn."

All eyes turned back to Pekka, who sighed dramatically and took a drink of his water before he cleared his throat, straightened his pretend tie and said, "Alright... There have been a lot of ups and downs this year, some moments were better than others, but I know I speak for everyone at this table when I say that we're all very lucky to have each other in ours lives. Being here together, spending time with each other and remembering those who aren't here is a Christmas well spent in my opinion."

Everyone held their glasses up to clink with each other and Riley had everyone in stitches when she told Pekka, "That's the nicest thing I've ever heard come out of your mouth."

James even found himself laughing. He was glad he had come.

He was getting closer to a normal life, baby steps and all but right now, baby steps didn't help with how much he missed Quinn, today of all days.