Sunday Mornings

10:48 PM.

December 31st.

New Year's Eve.

James wasn't sure where the year had gone on him. Honestly, to him, it felt like they had just brought Peyton home. Or maybe that they had just won the cup. It certainly didn't feel like it was already almost the new year. Their season had been rocky so far, not surprising, he was sure no one really expected them to do great things after such a long post-season. Sure, they wanted to go out there and win every game, but it just wasn't happening and had James not had so much on his mind and on his plate already he would have been frustrated with the way their season was going but, in the grand scheme of things, it really wasn't top of his list.

It seemed as if time had moved in hyper speed since the completion of last season. It seemed like it had been weeks, not almost a whole year. It seemed impossible that everything that had happened in that time had actually happened; Peyton, the cup, Quinn. That was what had struck him as the most odd, was with how incredibly long the dragging out of the last two months of her life had been, it seemed that after that everything had gone by in a blur.

James could honestly not even remember most of the days after her death, but he seemed to remember odd things he knew he probably should have forgotten. Like how Quinn only had one sock on, the other had been slipped off during her sleep, and how the clock on the wall across from them had stopped at exactly seven-fifteen, an hour before her death.

But then, like always, there were things that he remembered that he wished to God he could forget. Like the sound the heart rate monitor made when the doctor took it off, hours before she had passed, James was sure he would never forget that sound. Nor would he forget the short, sporadic breathing. Or how he had sat for a full hour by her bed after the doctor had taken every IV and machine out of her, and how, as cowardly as it was, he had let the doctor tell her parents and her sisters instead of him. He would never be able to forget the sound of her mother crying, which he could hear from the room down the hall, and if he was being honest, sometimes, when he couldn't sleep, that was all he could hear.

He would never forget the fact that Steven, when James had decided that he was ready to see everyone back home, even though, looking back on it now, he was most definitely not ready, hadn't left him alone for a second. Or that at the funeral, in the midst of all the pitying looks, and sadness, there was Steven, telling the dumbest stories that made everyone laugh, even James a time or two.

His phone had been going crazy all night, teammates and friends trying to get him to come out with them. Riley had offered the babysit, James had turned her down again. He just wasn't ready for that whole scene yet, he thought maybe he would never be. It all seemed to pointless, and a little ridiculous; to leave his child with a babysitter so that he could go out and party. Sure, it worked and was fine for some people, but right now, to him, it just didn't feel right.

He had put Peyton to bed hours ago, and he had ordered in for his own dinner, he hadn't been hungry when she had eaten and then by the time he had put her to bed he was too exhausted to make a second meal. So he ate in silence, and he had barely been finished when his phone had started to blow up with inquiries about his plans for the night. Mostly it was Ryan and Colin, but he had even received a message from a few old teammates, and Roman. Riley's had come closer to eight and unlike the rest of his teammates she accepted his decline for her offer and left it at that.

He had cleaned up dinner, and then he laid on the couch watching whatever World Junior's game was on the TV at the time, he hadn't even cared to see who was playing, it was all just background noise to him. A little bit of noise so that he didn't focus on how damn quiet the house was, and how very, very alone he was on one of his favorite days of the year.

When boredom struck him he pulled his phone out of his pocket again and opened up an old text conversation with Steven.

You're probably celebrating but I was wondering if you still wanted to grab dinner this month when you're here? I can't promise it won't be a kid-free evening, but it would be nice to hang out with someone who I don't see every day.

A response, to James' surprise, came less than five minutes later.

Just having a few guys over at the house, nothing major. I'm getting old now man, can't be partying until four in the morning anymore. Dinner sounds good, and I wouldn't be opposed to your kid being there, she is pretty cute.

James let out a laugh at that.

Yeah, I know, she really is. I'll let you get back to your night, see you in a few weeks.

His response made James sigh. Leave it to Steven to still be trying to take care of him, even through text.

Don't beat yourself up too much tonight.

And then another message from Steven came through, and this one made him laugh.

And try to get some sleep, I caught your game the other night and you look like shit. I can't be associated with that bro.

Asshole.

You love me. See you in a few days.

With that, James tossed his phone onto the coffee table, and he sighed when it beeped again. It was probably just Steven again, or maybe Ryan. He reached out to lift it up just enough to be able to see the screen and when he saw Roman's name pop up James' brow furrowed. He unlocked the phone and read the message.

I'm standing on your porch, looking like a weirdo. Please open your door.

So James got up and headed to the door, pulling it open to find that Roman was in fact, standing on his porch. The younger of the two smiled and explained himself, "I didn't want to ring the bell or knock, figured Peyton was probably asleep and that or the dogs would have woken her up if I had."

James nodded his head, "Yeah, thanks."

He stepped aside to let Roman in, and as Roman slipped out of his shoes he told James, "I won't stay long. I'll be out of your hair way before midnight. I just figured I'd stop by for a minute or two."

Again James nodded and as they made their way into the living room he asked him, "You want a drink or something?"

Roman shook his head, "No, thanks, though."

Once they were seated on the couch James looked around the living room and his cheeks flushed at the mess. Toys, both children's and dogs, were everywhere and it looked as if the place hadn't been cleaned in weeks. In reality, it hadn't. He shook the thought out of his head and he asked Roman, "You don't have plans tonight?"

Roman shrugged, "I actually have a bag of crap from the drugstore in my car to bring home to Bianca."

"She still sick?" James asked him curiously. She had come down with one hell of a cold just after Christmas, and Roman, while exhausted, had barely left the house.

He nodded his head, "Yeah, seems to be getting better but you know."

"Hopefully it does." He didn't really know what else to say.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, before Roman broke it with a question, "How are you doing? I keep meaning to stop by and stuff but life just gets busy and I'm sorry I haven't really been around."

James shrugged his shoulders, "It's fine man, you have two kids to worry about, really, you don't need to be worrying about me too."

"But how are you?" Roman asked him, pushing that question further despite James' attempt to veer around it. When James didn't answer right away Roman told him softly, "You don't need to lie to me or figure out how to sugar coat it. Trust me, I get what you're going through."

"I know."

"I know that I knew Sloane for a hell of a lot less time than you and Quinn were together but... I probably have a pretty good idea of what you're going through. It's not preachy, or pushy when people tell you that talking about it helps; it really does help." Roman told him honestly.

Frankly, James had a lot of questions for him, but he had never felt comfortable asking them. He knew that he wouldn't want to have to be reminded of it all of the time, so he just didn't ask, even now he told Roman, "I'm okay. Some days are better than others, but I'm figuring it out."

"It's the little things that you miss the most, or at least that's how it was for me." Roman offered up, to James' surprise. Most people, when he told them he was okay, left it at that. But he supposed that with Roman's experience in what he was going through he wasn't most people. James nodded his head in agreement and Roman continued, "Things you never even really noticed until they were gone."

James offered up, "I never realized how damn loud she was, I mean I knew she was loud but I never knew just how loud until the house was so quiet again."

Roman chuckled and nodded, and he told him, "Sloane used to sing in the shower, and I got so used to it that when she was gone, and there was no one to sing in the shower, it just felt really strange."

"I used to wake up in the middle of the night to an empty bed, and every time she'd be down in her room, whatever you want to call it. She would honestly wake up at three in the morning with some crazy desire to try out some new technique on her hair or something." James said, chuckling a little at the thought. He added, "I honestly don't know how she functioned with such little sleep every single day."

"It was writing for Sloane. I'd wake up in the morning and she would be in the living room asleep on the couch, with her laptop open and she had been there all night writing. At least until she got really pregnant, and then I'd wake up to her rearranging baby things at like four in the morning. Used to drive me crazy, but for a long time after her death I would have given anything to have that back." Roman told him, watching as James nodded his head slowly.

He knew that feeling.

Before James could say anything, not that he knew what to say in the first place, Roman spoke softly as he said, "You're never gonna forget the things you're afraid of forgetting. I need to tell you that, because I wish to God someone had told me that, it would have saved me so much grief."

"What do you mean?" James asked him, brow lifted in curiosity.

Roman went on to tell him, "Like the way her voice sounded, how she laughed, if she wrinkled her nose when she was thinking or the way it felt to be around her. You're afraid that you're going to forget those things, but I promise you, you never will."

"You sure about that? Because some days I can't remember those things." James admitted softly.

Roman nodded his head and assured him, "It took me a while to want to remember those things... but once I did... sometimes even now I can hear her clear as day."

James sat in silence for a moment, staring at his hands in his lap, before he admitted, almost ashamed to say, "Sometimes I really wish we hadn't adopted when we did. Sometimes I wish that it had taken just a few months longer, long enough that we would have found out about Quinn and the cancer coming back, long enough that we could have just decided it wasn't right. I really fucking hate saying that, I do, but I guess I never realized just how hard this was gonna be."

"I think every parent wishes, at some point or another, that they hadn't made that decision. I know I have. Sometimes I look at Spence, and Easton and I wonder what the hell I was thinking." As much as he had said it to make James feel better, James also knew that Roman meant it.

He nodded his head slowly and then he said, "I hate saying it because being a mom was all she ever wanted and I know that having that was the best part of her life so wishing sometimes that she hadn't had that experience just to make my life easier makes me feel like shit all the time."

"That doesn't make you a bad person, I hope you know that." He did, sort of.

"I love that kid, I really do, but God... every time I look at her..." He couldn't finish his sentence, he didn't even know how to put that into words. He hated to look at his own kid, no matter how much he loved her, because every time he looked at her he thought of Quinn, and every time he thought of Quinn he completely lost it. Life was easier not thinking about her that much.

"I had it easy. I hate saying that because it's pretty fucked up to say something like that but I did. I think of what you're going through and-I've always said it but I mean it even more now... if she had died, and he hadn't I really don't think I would have been able to do it. Honestly, I think I would have left him there for someone else. It's not right, and I hate saying it especially being a dad now and knowing how much I love those guys, but back then I wouldn't have been able to do it so I'm really sorry that you have to." James, in all the talks he and Roman had over the years, especially ones about Sloane, had never heard him say this and for some reason, knowing that Roman had felt that way James felt like a little bit of the weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. Maybe feeling this way was normal.

"Thank you." James told him, and when Roman turned to him with a raised eyebrow he explained, "I've spent months thinking there was something wrong with me. I have no idea why I thought I could just pick myself up and move on like nothing had happened, when something did happen, Quinn died and left me alone with a kid I'm still not sure I can even take care of the way that she needs but thank you for making me feel normal for once."

"All of this is normal, man, it's up and down and down even more and then up again and right back down, and it's gonna be like that for months, maybe even years. You are never gonna forget this, but at some point you have to accept that and try to live again." Roman told him, and James knew that deep down but he just wasn't there yet. Roman must have known that too, because he went on to tell him, "After Sloane died I stayed with Shea and Riley for a while, I couldn't be alone, and the first night I was there I couldn't sleep, which for me then wasn't a surprise, so I went downstairs and I must have woken Riley up because after a while of me pacing the floor she came downstairs and she sat on the floor with me while I completely lost it and she told me something that after about three weeks of the worst pain of my life changed everything."

"What was that?" He was desperate for anything at this point.

Roman told him, "That it's okay to be angry, and pissed off and as furious as you want."

James let out a breath of air, and he admitted, "I thought it was just me. The anger."

Roman shook his head, "I put literal holes in my walls destroying the nursery furniture. I think Jonesy referred to it as me going American Psycho in there. Anger is a part of it, it's a big part of it, and some people deal with it differently. For me, I took it out on myself, and for a while, whatever was around me."

"I took it out on her parents." James admitted quietly, embarrassed to even say so. But still, he continued, "I got so mad at them when they were here... I kicked them out. I kicked her parents out man. Who does that?"

"Someone who needs help, and I don't say that to be mean, and I don't mean go to a therapist, not that there's anything wrong with that because if it helps it helps. But I mean, let someone babysit and go out for dinner with the guys, hell even go out for dinner by yourself. You need some time away from her, just an hour or two a week even to try to deal with what's going on with you." This was the first time that made sense to him, Riley and his mother, even two of his brother's had brought it up so many times before and he never understood it until right now.

James nodded his head and said, "Yeah, you're probably right."

Roman glanced at his watch and asked, "It's almost midnight. Any big plans?"

James shrugged his shoulders, "Maybe I'll try to finally finish Beetlejuice."

"Beetlejuice?" Roman asked in amused curiosity.

James nodded his head, "It was Quinn's favorite movie, I've never been able to sit through the whole thing."

Roman let out a chuckle, and then he asked James, "What about resolutions? You actually gonna come up with any?"

James had only one. To figure his shit out so that he could be a better dad.

"Not yet, we'll see." James stated, and then he told Roman, "You should get back to Bianca, she's probably grumbling about needing her cough meds."

Roman let out a laugh and he told James, "Yeah, probably. Just think about what I said, and you know where to find me if you need anything."

So James walked him to the door and when Roman stepped outside he told him, "Thanks for stopping by."

He nodded, "No problem, don't be a stranger, really."

James closed the door and locked up behind himself before he gathered his phone from the coffee table and headed upstairs with the dogs hot on his heels. He took a peak in Peyton's room quickly to check on her before he headed down the hall to the guest room he had been calling his for months. He dropped onto the bed with the lights out and thought maybe he would just sleep through the New Year's celebrations this year.

Nixon was the first to jump up on the bed with him and he curled up at James' side, and then Snoop hopped up too, laying down at his legs. So James used one hand for each dog and pet them for as long as he could before he simply laid his hands out on them, they got the comfort of their human and he didn't have to keep petting them.

He had fallen asleep, at some point, though not heavily because when his phone beeped on the nightstand he woke up. There was a flood of Happy New Year texts from family and friends, but the only one he bothered opening was Riley's, because he was surprised she was still awake.

I just wanted to say happy new year, and that we love you and to call if you need anything.

For all the bad in his life right now James was starting to really realize just how much good he had as well.