Sunday Mornings

With special permission from the team, James had boarded a plane to Pittsburgh the night before the team was set to take off for the very same city. He had done so with Peyton in tow for her very first time on an airplane, and he had been grateful that once she seemed to get used to the plane she mostly slept curled up against his chest.

Jess was waiting for them when they arrived and James had never been so grateful to be able to hand Peyton off to someone else for a few minutes. They didn't speak much at all in the time they walked to the car, got everyone into it and were pulling out into traffic. It wasn't until they were already well away from the airport that Jess turned to glance at James for a moment before she looked back at the road in front of her and she noted aloud, "You don't look so good."

He shrugged his shoulders and glanced back at Peyton in the backseat, and he asked Jess curiously, "Where did you get the car seat, anyway?"

"A friend of mine still had hers so she's being so kind as to let me borrow it for while you're here." Jess told him, and as he nodded his head she pointed out, "You're avoiding the elephant in the room, you know."

"I know." James said, nodding his head again. For a moment he didn't say anything more than that, but then he promised her, "When we get home."

"I'm holding you to that." Jess told him with a smile.

So for the rest of the ride back to Jess and Taya's James leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes and he tried to imagine that he was anywhere, doing anything but this.

They arrived at the house much too soon for his liking, and when Jess put the car in park in the driveway James got out and went to grab their bags. She had Peyton out of the car seat and on her hip before he could even make it to the backseat door, and then James looked over at the house and suddenly it was like his legs didn't work anymore.

He felt glued to his spot as he looked up at the two-story house, it's dark siding and stained glass front doors and he wondered if the inside of the house looked the same as it had the last time he had been here.

Jess glanced at him, a few feet up the driveway from him already and she asked, "You coming in, or are you gonna sleep out here?"

He wanted to laugh because that would make things normal but he didn't. All he did was slowly let his eyes drift from the house to Jess, who was watching him in amusement, and his cheeks flushed as he told her, "I guess I never realized how surreal being here would be."

She smiled softly, "I know."

He slowly started forward and up the driveway with the three bags he had packed slung over his shoulder or dragging on the concrete driveway behind him. Jess pushed the front door open and let them in, and James slipped out of his shoes and then he set the bags down on the floor next to him and he looked around.

He couldn't remember the last time he had actually been inside this house. Years probably.

Every time he was in Pittsburgh for games he took Jess and Taya out for dinner if time permitted it, but it was always at a restaurant.

Quinn would visit every so often during the season or the off-season but whatever James saw of Taya and Jess outside of road trips during the season was in Nashville.

It didn't look any different than he remembered, well, aside from Taya sitting at the kitchen table with textbooks spread out in front of her and a pen between her front teeth. James couldn't help but smile and joke, "Look at you... all smart and shit."

Taya looked up at him in surprise, and then she grinned and dropped her pen as she jumped up from her chair, rounded the table and threw her arms around him. He was a little surprised by the sudden gesture, but he hugged her back gently, and then she pulled away from him and said, "I didn't know you were coming! I mean, I knew you'd be here tomorrow for the game, but not tonight!"

Jess laughed at her sister and James told her, "Last minute visit."

"Well, I'm glad. It's nice to see you." Taya told him, and then she turned her attention to Peyton in Jess' arms and reached out to take her, "And you, oh my little sweet face hello. Come on, I need a study break anyway."

James took a seat at the table and pretended to be interested in Taya's notes and books as if gender studies could hold his interest for more than a second while Taya disappeared with Peyton and Jess put the kettle on the cook-top. That was when she turned to look at him and she asked him, "What's going on?"

"Hmm?" James asked her, looking up and over at her.

She knew him well enough by now to tell him, "Cut the bullshit, James."

So he sighed, ran both hands through his hair and then he asked her, "Would you take her? For a little bit?"

"Peyton?" Jess asked him in surprise and when he nodded, his eyes downcast to his hands in his lap she turned the burner off on the cook-top and sat down in the chair next to his. She asked him, "What's going on?"

"I'm just... I need a break. I can't do this anymore, it's too hard and I just... I need a break." He told her with a shrug of his shoulders. He still wouldn't look anywhere but at his hands in his lap, even as he told her, "Just like... a couple weeks. Two maybe."

"Of course we will." Jess told him.

This time he did look up at her, a mixture of surprise and relief showing on his face, and he asked her, "Really?"

She nodded her head, "You're family James and if you need help you know we're here. So yeah, we'll take her for a couple of weeks for you, if it's what you really want."

"It is." He told her confidently, and then he repeated to her what he had been telling himself for days, "I don't like the idea of shipping her off, even to family, and all but... I need some time to myself, I need to figure some things out because right now I'm not the parent she needs and I can't be that parent unless I can have some time alone to figure all of this out. I'm not helping either of us by continuing like this."

So Jess reached out and took her hands in his and she told him softly, but firmly, "So you figure it out, we'll be fine here for a while, and then when you're ready just let us know. Just make sure that you really take the time to work on yourself, and to deal with your Quinn stuff that you won't deal with."

"What does that mean?" He wasn't angry or upset, he was just curious about her words.

Jess explained to him, "You haven't dealt with her death yet, we both know it. I think if you finally do, you'll find that things will get better, things will start to fall back into place for you, and you'll feel better."

"Honestly, I really don't want to have to deal with it." James admitted, he hadn't really told anyone that yet. He didn't talk about Quinn much to anyone, maybe Riley or Roman on occasion but he preferred to not have to talk about her. Sure, the way everyone skirted around the subject drove him crazy because they were teammates, they were like brothers, but at the same time the longer it went on, with the way he was beginning to feel, James was glad no one talked about her.

"I know you don't and I don't blame you... but you have to. She's gone, and she's not coming back, as harsh as that sounds it's true. And the last thing she would have ever wanted in a million years was for you to do what you're doing to yourself now." Jess told him, her voice soft and gentle but James also got that 'do what you're told' mom like tone from it as well. She went on to tell him, "This whole thing is hard enough for you... please don't make it harder on yourself."

He nodded his head and he told her, "Really, just give me two weeks Jess."

She nodded her head, "Two weeks and then I'm flying to Nashville and bringing her home, so you better be ready."

She was surprised when he pulled his hands from hers and wrapped his arms around her to pull her into a tight hug, but she wrapped her own arms around him, hands on his back and he told her, "Thank you."

"This is what family is for. You've been strong enough and dealt with enough for so long that it's time to let someone else help out."

- - - -

They had won, though not by much, and none of his teammates had asked him about him traveling out early, and for the first time in months, James felt like things were going to be okay. He joked around a little in the locker room after the game, and then he headed out to meet up with Evgeni for a few minutes before he would be due to head to the hotel with the rest of the team. He hadn't seen him since the funeral, which if James was being honest he didn't remember much of, at least not to know who had all shown up. He hadn't even known that Sidney had come, not until Jess mentioned it a few days later.

Not surprisingly, Sidney was standing with Evgeni waiting for James when he headed into the tunnel between the two locker rooms, speak of the devil and all that.

"Hey man, how's it going?" James shrugged his shoulders in a non-verbal response to Sidney's greeting.

He hadn't quite grasped the answer to that question yet so all he said was, "Alright, you?"

Sidney shrugged as well, telling him, "Yeah, same here."

James couldn't help but laugh, a real, genuine laugh when Evgeni threw him into the least manliest of hugs possible. Still, James hugged him back and even gave him a pat on the back as hey parted and he said, "Nice to see you too Geno."

"How's baby Neal?" It was never Peyton, always baby Neal or mini Nealer.

James smiled and said, "Good, she's good."

So, like the typical proud dad, James pulled his phone out and they spent the next fifteen minutes scrolling through baby pictures. They hadn't even realized how long they had been doing that until Shea left the locker room and James knew that was his cue to go.

"Alright, I gotta get going. It was nice to see you guys." James stated as he slipped his phone back into the pocket of his suit.

"Don't be a stranger." He was already halfway out the door when Evgeni called that out to him so he simply turned enough to smile and wave.

Truthfully, he felt a little guilty that their visit was so short, especially after everything that had happened over the last few months, from the funeral to the unreturned text messages and the months of radio silence. But James could have gotten together with them last night, or earlier that day if he had really wanted to.

He felt guilty, sure, but that visit was as long as he figured he could probably handle right now.

James didn't say much of anything the whole way back to the hotel, but when Shea nudged his arm in the lobby he asked, "Yeah?"

"You hungry?" He asked, motioning his head to the right toward the hotel restaurant.

He wasn't really, but he told him, "Yeah, I could eat."

So they got a table and ordered a light meal and then once their waitress left with their menus Shea asked him, "So, how are Jess and Taya?"

"They're good, Taya's got a mid-term or something next week so I didn't really see much of her." James told him honestly, a little bit confused by the small talk.

Shea nodded his head slowly and then he asked James, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah... why?" James asked him, brow lifted slightly.

Shea shrugged his shoulders and tried to play it off, "You just seem a little different lately and... Riley's been a little worried about you is all."

James smiled, and hoped it didn't sound too fake or foreign when he told him, "Tell her she doesn't need to worry about me, she has more import things to worry about."

Shea smiled as well, and James knew he had seen right through it, but he was surprised when Shea didn't comment on that but rather he said, "Yeah, being pregnant again has turned her into a worrier. She never was one before, that was always me."

"You two must just love that about each other now." James joked and Shea chuckled and nodded his head.

After a moment or two of silence, Shea asked him, "You know that if you need anything or you want to talk or anything we're here right?"

James nodded, "I know, and if I ever need to you'll be the first to know... well... maybe behind Riley because she's very in tune with that kind of stuff and somehow she just knows."

"The woman has a sixth sense."

- - - -

When James arrived home from Pittsburgh he realized just how quiet the house was without Peyton's giggle or her babbling or even her crying to fill the place up and he found, as crazy as it made him, he missed that. There was only so much noise Snoop and Nixon could make. He felt a little like he was going stir crazy.

He had cleaned, seriously, and then when that didn't keep him busy for long enough he took the dogs for an hour long walk, and again when that didn't do much for him he paced the floors of the first floor of the house trying to think of other things that he could do.

He had expected leaving Peyton with Jess and Taya in Pittsburgh to be easier than this.

He hadn't expected to miss her so much it almost hurt.

He hadn't expected to want to get right back on a plane to go get her and bring her home.

He hadn't expected to not know what to do with himself when he didn't have her to occupy his time.

What had he done before he was a parent?

Well, the answer to that wasn't exactly therapeutic either. What had he done before he was a parent? He hung out with Quinn. Most of his time was spent with her, either at home, out and about or at the salon. It occurred to him that he really didn't have much of a life outside of the team and his family.

He thought maybe he would take the Ferrari out for a spin, he hadn't been out in that in a long time so he headed to the garage. He didn't quite get as far as getting in the car, or even close, because the minute he noticed the corner of the wooden arm of a swing uncovered in the back of the garage he froze in his spot.

He had completely forgotten about that.

So he approached it slowly, almost as if he was afraid it would disappear if he moved too quickly, and then he closed his hand around a bunch of the drop cloth he had laid over it months ago and he pulled it off. The porch swing looked exactly the way he had left it; mostly done aside from one arm at the left end and the chain to anchor it to the front porch.

It was supposed to be a mothers day gift to Quinn, one he had been working on for months whenever she was at work and he was at home. The project had been put aside, and up until now, completely forgotten about when Quinn had finally told him that she was sick again. James hadn't even thought of it once up until now.

He stared at it for a long time, taking in each little imperfection in the dark, stained wood, and then his eyes lingered on the little section in the middle of the top piece of wood on the back of the swing that he had someone laser engrave, as if they were dorky teenagers, 'JN + QJ' onto the wood.

James knelt down and ran his fingers over it before he straightened up and looked around the garage. His eyes fell on the axe tucked safely away on a shelf much, much taller than Peyton could reach and he wrapped his fingers around it tightly.

He swung it at the wooden porch swing before he could convince himself otherwise.