Sunday Mornings
You're gonna have to leave me now I know
July 5th
"James?" Quinn's voice was quiet, barely a whisper, but James was sitting close enough to hear her.
He looked over at her, brow slightly raised and asked, "Hmm?"
"If she ever asks how we met, promise you won't leave anything out?" Quinn asked him, and his brow lifted again.
"You want me to tell her that we hated each other?" James asked her, a hint of amusement in his voice as he spoke.
Nodding her head slowly Quinn smiled gently, and she reached out to run her hand through his hair as she told him, "It's a good way to teach her not to judge a book by its cover. If I had... we wouldn't be here."
James wondered if that maybe wasn't such a bad thing.
"I'll tell her." He promised, his voice soft.
"And you'll make sure that she doesn't grow up without siblings?" When she asked this James' head snapped up toward her, eyes slightly wide in surprise. She smiled gently, smoothed the hair at the side of his head out and told him, "Promise me you'll have at least one other baby."
"Quinn." He warned, his voice firm but she wasn't deaf, she could hear the sadness in it.
She shook her head and smiled when she reminded him, "We always said she was never gonna be an only child."
"How can you ask me that right now?" He asked her, watching her intently with his blue-green eyes.
"Because I need to know that you're gonna move on and get on with your life when I'm gone. I need to know that you're not gonna dig yourself into a hole you can't get out of. James I want you to move on, I want you to be happy and I know that happiness isn't just you and Peyton for the rest of your lives." Quinn told him honestly, and she reached out to wipe his cheeks with her hand as a few errant tears slid down them.
"I don't think I can." James told her, and when she shook her head he added honestly, "I don't know that I'll ever know how to live without you, and now you're asking me to be with someone else? To replace you?"
"Not replace. Forgive me for sounding a little arrogant but there is no replacing me." Quinn said with a small laugh, and James couldn't stop one from coming out of his own mouth, though it was more the sound of half a laugh and half of a sob. Quinn placed her hand on the side of his neck, rubbing his skin with her thumb gently as she told him softly, "I'm just asking you to move on, for yourself because you don't deserve to be alone all your life and for Peyton because she deserves a real family."
He was silent for a minute or two and then he couldn't help it, he let a laugh bubble from his throat and out of his mouth and Quinn's brow raised. James looked up at her, smiling widely, and he tried not to laugh again as he told her, "I was just thinking about... do you remember a couple years ago.. back in Pittsburgh when we were doing that big Thanksgiving dinner at our place? The guys on the team, your sisters, your parents were all coming."
Quinn nodded and spoke softly, "And you kept telling me you knew what you were doing with the turkey and I was dumb and trusted you."
"And I burnt it black." James said with a laugh, and Quinn watched him with a smile as he continued, "So I thought, burnt turkey is just like burnt toast, just scrape the black off and you're good as new, but we ended up having to cut the whole outside off and pretend it never happened."
Quinn smiled and said, "No one ever knew, just so you know."
"That was a great Thanksgiving." James mused out loud and Quinn smiled and nodded her head in agreement. He told Quinn, his voice quiet and soft, "You know, just me and Pey wouldn't be so bad."
"And what, you guys are gonna spend every holiday with Riley and Shea and their kids?" Quinn asked him with a small, amused smile on her face.
He shrugged, "What's wrong with that?"
"Everything is wrong with that. You guys deserve a family to spend holidays with, your own family. James, don't get me wrong, I'm selfishly a little flattered that you don't want that after me but you need it. I know you well enough by now, and I know that some day you're gonna meet someone and you're gonna feel all these things and I don't want you to ever feel guilty for it." Quinn told him, her voice firm but soft.
"You're something else you know." James told her, trying to change the subject before he completely lost it on her. A part of him could understand where she was coming from, because for Quinn, now it was trying to tie up loose ends and make sure everything was in place and going to be okay before she left for good but for James, the one being left behind, he didn't want to have to think about these things. He knew at some point he would have to, and he would deal with it then, but now he just wanted to forget all of this was happening.
Quinn smiled and told him, "Just trying to look out for my guy."
"Well stop it for now, okay? You can do that later." James told her, and then he grinned and told her, "And try to refrain from pulling a Patrick Swayze and knocking things over in the house okay?"
She laughed, "I'll try. No promises though."
James looked over at her, and asked her curiously, "How do you do it?"
"Do what?" She asked him in confusion, brow lifted and everything.
He sighed, shoved both hands through his hair to push it out of his face and he clarified what he meant, "Just...I'm practically falling apart here and you... you're the one that's... and you're joking and... and just... you're so laid back about it all. How do you do it? Help me out here because I feel like I'm drowning."
"Well for starters, being the one that leaves rather than the one that's left behind makes it a little easier." Quinn said, a joking tone in her voice to match her smile. James smiled gently at her words, and she continued, a soft expression on her voice to match the gentleness of her voice, masking the sadness as well as she could for him, "It's not easy James. It might look it, but it's not. I just know that I don't want to spend my time upset, or angry because it doesn't change anything."
"How can you not be? I'm angry all of the time." James asked her, trying his best to blink away the new onset of tears that were filling his eyes. That was the last thing Quinn needed right now. They both knew that this whole thing would be over soon, for Quinn at least, and James didn't want to do anything that would make her last few days sad but he couldn't help but ask her these questions because she was right, he needed to know how to move forward when she was gone.
"Because I have faith, something you might need to work on." Quinn said, letting out a quiet laugh after and James smiled gently.
"I don't think I can. Have faith that is. How can I have faith when it's not doing anything for us? We aren't getting a miracle so what's the point?" This wasn't the first time Quinn had heard him talk like this, but it still surprised her. Quinn had, when they first met and were getting to know each other, been incredibly surprised to find out that James had attended a catholic school growing up. And as their relationship went on she had always thought he had an odd relationship with faith, like he was raised with it but couldn't quite figure out how to fit it into his adult life. Now was clearly no exception.
"Because that's not how it works babe. You know that." He nodded his head slowly when she said this, and Quinn reached out, taking his hand in hers and giving it a squeeze before she continued to tell him, "If you're gonna faith for the miracles to happen then you also have to have faith when they don't."
James wasn't sure he liked that answer so much. But, then again, he wasn't sure he liked almost any answer he got when it came to this situation. How could he possibly have faith at a time like this? How could he believe in something bigger than him when it wasn't helping them? Quinn was right, this was the hand they had been dealt and they couldn't change it but like hell James was going to believe in some kind of God now, and damn anyone who faulted him for it.
Quinn surprised him by telling him, "You should go get a coffee, maybe some fresh air. You look like hell."
He cracked a smile only because he knew she wanted him to. He looked over at her and shook his head, "I'm good."
"James, it's fine. Go, I'll be okay." Quinn told him, and it was like she was trying to, in less words, tell him that she knew he needed a moment, a few minutes, to himself. He wondered if he was making her upset, with all his questions, and maybe she thought that he needed some time to pull himself together.
So he got up, and he leaned over, kissing her softly before he promised, "I'll be back in a few minutes. Five tops."
She nodded, "I'll be here."
He smiled gently and as he approached the door he turned to look at her and he told her, "I love you."
Quinn looked over at him and smiled, "I love you more."
"If you say so." James said with a smile as he headed out of the hospital room.
He took the stairs, they were less crowded, and bypassed the cafeteria to go outside. He rounded the corner, away from all of the doctors and nurses huddled together with cigarettes between their fingers. Medical professionals and smoking, he never understood it and for some reason it made him angry now. If they only had an idea of what that shit could do, of what it did to people and their families.
As he rounded the corner and leaned back against the wall behind him James put his hands on his knees and heaved out a deep breath. His eyes filled with tears as his fingers gripped his knees tightly, and eventually he knelt down and squeezed his eyes shut tightly, bringing his hand to his mouth, curling his fingers to make a fist before he bit down tightly against the side of his closed fist.
He wondered how hard he would have to bite to break the skin and how close he was to that. It was easier like this; a tiny bit of pain to concentrate on, it distracted him from what was really going on his his head.
Every part of him was angry. He was angry with life, he was angry with the God he wasn't even sure he still believed in and he was angry with Quinn.
He knew he shouldn't have been angry with her, and really, he knew he wasn't angry with her but rather he was angry at her. But then he wondered if that even made any sense, if there was even a difference. He was so fucking angry that she got to leave after this was all done, and he had to stay behind and deal with everything. He was the one who had to call family and friends, he was the one who had to plan a funeral, he was the one who had to decide black or white casket, or if he should just cremate her, he was the one who had to raise Peyton as if he had any kind of clue how to. James was the one who had to wake up every morning and go on without her and he was angry over it. Selfishly he thought Quinn had it easy.
It should have been him.
Quinn was a better person than he was. She was kinder, she was more polite, she had a bigger heart, she was more optimistic, she was so much more selfless, and she always found a reason to be happy, even now. She was so much better than him, he could never even hope to be half as good of a person as Quinn was so he struggled with why this was happening to her of all people.
He would give anything, literally anything, to take her place. He wondered if it was because he thought that she deserved it more, or people didn't deserve to live in a world without her, or because selfishly he wasn't sure that he could physically live without her.
He was angry that there were people out there who didn't deserve life and yet it was Quinn that was dying. Quinn who he was sure had never done a bad thing in her life, Quinn who, ironically, used to do cancer benefit days at the salon, Quinn who had spent months dealing with this on her own because she was afraid of being a distraction to him and his career.
He couldn't help but wonder what kind of a God would allow something like this to happen, and how in the hell Quinn could have such a blind faith in him.
"James?" Quinn's voice was quiet, barely a whisper, but James was sitting close enough to hear her.
He looked over at her, brow slightly raised and asked, "Hmm?"
"If she ever asks how we met, promise you won't leave anything out?" Quinn asked him, and his brow lifted again.
"You want me to tell her that we hated each other?" James asked her, a hint of amusement in his voice as he spoke.
Nodding her head slowly Quinn smiled gently, and she reached out to run her hand through his hair as she told him, "It's a good way to teach her not to judge a book by its cover. If I had... we wouldn't be here."
James wondered if that maybe wasn't such a bad thing.
"I'll tell her." He promised, his voice soft.
"And you'll make sure that she doesn't grow up without siblings?" When she asked this James' head snapped up toward her, eyes slightly wide in surprise. She smiled gently, smoothed the hair at the side of his head out and told him, "Promise me you'll have at least one other baby."
"Quinn." He warned, his voice firm but she wasn't deaf, she could hear the sadness in it.
She shook her head and smiled when she reminded him, "We always said she was never gonna be an only child."
"How can you ask me that right now?" He asked her, watching her intently with his blue-green eyes.
"Because I need to know that you're gonna move on and get on with your life when I'm gone. I need to know that you're not gonna dig yourself into a hole you can't get out of. James I want you to move on, I want you to be happy and I know that happiness isn't just you and Peyton for the rest of your lives." Quinn told him honestly, and she reached out to wipe his cheeks with her hand as a few errant tears slid down them.
"I don't think I can." James told her, and when she shook her head he added honestly, "I don't know that I'll ever know how to live without you, and now you're asking me to be with someone else? To replace you?"
"Not replace. Forgive me for sounding a little arrogant but there is no replacing me." Quinn said with a small laugh, and James couldn't stop one from coming out of his own mouth, though it was more the sound of half a laugh and half of a sob. Quinn placed her hand on the side of his neck, rubbing his skin with her thumb gently as she told him softly, "I'm just asking you to move on, for yourself because you don't deserve to be alone all your life and for Peyton because she deserves a real family."
He was silent for a minute or two and then he couldn't help it, he let a laugh bubble from his throat and out of his mouth and Quinn's brow raised. James looked up at her, smiling widely, and he tried not to laugh again as he told her, "I was just thinking about... do you remember a couple years ago.. back in Pittsburgh when we were doing that big Thanksgiving dinner at our place? The guys on the team, your sisters, your parents were all coming."
Quinn nodded and spoke softly, "And you kept telling me you knew what you were doing with the turkey and I was dumb and trusted you."
"And I burnt it black." James said with a laugh, and Quinn watched him with a smile as he continued, "So I thought, burnt turkey is just like burnt toast, just scrape the black off and you're good as new, but we ended up having to cut the whole outside off and pretend it never happened."
Quinn smiled and said, "No one ever knew, just so you know."
"That was a great Thanksgiving." James mused out loud and Quinn smiled and nodded her head in agreement. He told Quinn, his voice quiet and soft, "You know, just me and Pey wouldn't be so bad."
"And what, you guys are gonna spend every holiday with Riley and Shea and their kids?" Quinn asked him with a small, amused smile on her face.
He shrugged, "What's wrong with that?"
"Everything is wrong with that. You guys deserve a family to spend holidays with, your own family. James, don't get me wrong, I'm selfishly a little flattered that you don't want that after me but you need it. I know you well enough by now, and I know that some day you're gonna meet someone and you're gonna feel all these things and I don't want you to ever feel guilty for it." Quinn told him, her voice firm but soft.
"You're something else you know." James told her, trying to change the subject before he completely lost it on her. A part of him could understand where she was coming from, because for Quinn, now it was trying to tie up loose ends and make sure everything was in place and going to be okay before she left for good but for James, the one being left behind, he didn't want to have to think about these things. He knew at some point he would have to, and he would deal with it then, but now he just wanted to forget all of this was happening.
Quinn smiled and told him, "Just trying to look out for my guy."
"Well stop it for now, okay? You can do that later." James told her, and then he grinned and told her, "And try to refrain from pulling a Patrick Swayze and knocking things over in the house okay?"
She laughed, "I'll try. No promises though."
James looked over at her, and asked her curiously, "How do you do it?"
"Do what?" She asked him in confusion, brow lifted and everything.
He sighed, shoved both hands through his hair to push it out of his face and he clarified what he meant, "Just...I'm practically falling apart here and you... you're the one that's... and you're joking and... and just... you're so laid back about it all. How do you do it? Help me out here because I feel like I'm drowning."
"Well for starters, being the one that leaves rather than the one that's left behind makes it a little easier." Quinn said, a joking tone in her voice to match her smile. James smiled gently at her words, and she continued, a soft expression on her voice to match the gentleness of her voice, masking the sadness as well as she could for him, "It's not easy James. It might look it, but it's not. I just know that I don't want to spend my time upset, or angry because it doesn't change anything."
"How can you not be? I'm angry all of the time." James asked her, trying his best to blink away the new onset of tears that were filling his eyes. That was the last thing Quinn needed right now. They both knew that this whole thing would be over soon, for Quinn at least, and James didn't want to do anything that would make her last few days sad but he couldn't help but ask her these questions because she was right, he needed to know how to move forward when she was gone.
"Because I have faith, something you might need to work on." Quinn said, letting out a quiet laugh after and James smiled gently.
"I don't think I can. Have faith that is. How can I have faith when it's not doing anything for us? We aren't getting a miracle so what's the point?" This wasn't the first time Quinn had heard him talk like this, but it still surprised her. Quinn had, when they first met and were getting to know each other, been incredibly surprised to find out that James had attended a catholic school growing up. And as their relationship went on she had always thought he had an odd relationship with faith, like he was raised with it but couldn't quite figure out how to fit it into his adult life. Now was clearly no exception.
"Because that's not how it works babe. You know that." He nodded his head slowly when she said this, and Quinn reached out, taking his hand in hers and giving it a squeeze before she continued to tell him, "If you're gonna faith for the miracles to happen then you also have to have faith when they don't."
James wasn't sure he liked that answer so much. But, then again, he wasn't sure he liked almost any answer he got when it came to this situation. How could he possibly have faith at a time like this? How could he believe in something bigger than him when it wasn't helping them? Quinn was right, this was the hand they had been dealt and they couldn't change it but like hell James was going to believe in some kind of God now, and damn anyone who faulted him for it.
Quinn surprised him by telling him, "You should go get a coffee, maybe some fresh air. You look like hell."
He cracked a smile only because he knew she wanted him to. He looked over at her and shook his head, "I'm good."
"James, it's fine. Go, I'll be okay." Quinn told him, and it was like she was trying to, in less words, tell him that she knew he needed a moment, a few minutes, to himself. He wondered if he was making her upset, with all his questions, and maybe she thought that he needed some time to pull himself together.
So he got up, and he leaned over, kissing her softly before he promised, "I'll be back in a few minutes. Five tops."
She nodded, "I'll be here."
He smiled gently and as he approached the door he turned to look at her and he told her, "I love you."
Quinn looked over at him and smiled, "I love you more."
"If you say so." James said with a smile as he headed out of the hospital room.
He took the stairs, they were less crowded, and bypassed the cafeteria to go outside. He rounded the corner, away from all of the doctors and nurses huddled together with cigarettes between their fingers. Medical professionals and smoking, he never understood it and for some reason it made him angry now. If they only had an idea of what that shit could do, of what it did to people and their families.
As he rounded the corner and leaned back against the wall behind him James put his hands on his knees and heaved out a deep breath. His eyes filled with tears as his fingers gripped his knees tightly, and eventually he knelt down and squeezed his eyes shut tightly, bringing his hand to his mouth, curling his fingers to make a fist before he bit down tightly against the side of his closed fist.
He wondered how hard he would have to bite to break the skin and how close he was to that. It was easier like this; a tiny bit of pain to concentrate on, it distracted him from what was really going on his his head.
Every part of him was angry. He was angry with life, he was angry with the God he wasn't even sure he still believed in and he was angry with Quinn.
He knew he shouldn't have been angry with her, and really, he knew he wasn't angry with her but rather he was angry at her. But then he wondered if that even made any sense, if there was even a difference. He was so fucking angry that she got to leave after this was all done, and he had to stay behind and deal with everything. He was the one who had to call family and friends, he was the one who had to plan a funeral, he was the one who had to decide black or white casket, or if he should just cremate her, he was the one who had to raise Peyton as if he had any kind of clue how to. James was the one who had to wake up every morning and go on without her and he was angry over it. Selfishly he thought Quinn had it easy.
It should have been him.
Quinn was a better person than he was. She was kinder, she was more polite, she had a bigger heart, she was more optimistic, she was so much more selfless, and she always found a reason to be happy, even now. She was so much better than him, he could never even hope to be half as good of a person as Quinn was so he struggled with why this was happening to her of all people.
He would give anything, literally anything, to take her place. He wondered if it was because he thought that she deserved it more, or people didn't deserve to live in a world without her, or because selfishly he wasn't sure that he could physically live without her.
He was angry that there were people out there who didn't deserve life and yet it was Quinn that was dying. Quinn who he was sure had never done a bad thing in her life, Quinn who, ironically, used to do cancer benefit days at the salon, Quinn who had spent months dealing with this on her own because she was afraid of being a distraction to him and his career.
He couldn't help but wonder what kind of a God would allow something like this to happen, and how in the hell Quinn could have such a blind faith in him.
♠ ♠ ♠
Title: You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go by Bob DylanI have such a love hate relationship with this story. I love the story itself and where it's going and I love writing this kind of hyper emotional content but like... dang it hurts my heart to write.
These flashbacks are not going to be in any kind of order, and definitely not in chronological order. Sorry if it's confusing, but I personally prefer it that way because then you never know what you're gonna get :)
If there's anything y'all want to see (for either the present story or in the flashbacks) please let me know and I'll try to throw it in for you.
Throw a comment in the comment section and maybe I'll post the next chapter tomorrow *wink wink nudge nudge*