Sometimes

Off white and covered in lace.

I guess that’s how you would describe the dress that was staring back at me from inside my small closet. ¾ quarter sleeves and a veil that didn’t even reach my neck accompanied it. The girl at the bridal store told me that it was age appropriate but it’s not everyday when a 30 something year old gets married again, for the third time that is. Everything was all set for tomorrow’s nuptials. The cake was to be finished tonight and sent over by the bakery tomorrow morning and the bridal party were to be at the salon by 11 that afternoon. Everything was falling into place but I just couldn’t shake a feeling I couldn’t explain. Every time I thought about the wedding and as it came closer, I couldn’t help but go into a panic. I don’t know whether it was pre-wedding jitters or just me being weird, but something felt wrong. I loved Nicholas but it was as if we were almost the same person. When I first met Nick, I thought that I had met the man of my dreams. We liked the same things and had the same interest. We never managed to argue about anything, always content with each other.

All those feelings were fine at first, but it started to get old. There were points in our relationship where I just felt like ending it but I wasn’t even sure if that’s what I wanted. I knew that Nick was the total opposite of Harry and that’s why I started dating him. I was in my 30s and it was time to grow up; no more partying and fooling around. I needed someone that was sturdy and far away from the headlines and flash bulbs. It was nice to be with someone that wasn’t on the paparazzi’s radar. I was able to walk out the door and get a coffee or breakfast, and not be ridiculed about what I was wearing or what I ordered to eat. Also, I wasn’t finding myself on the covers of magazines with headlines that were so out of left field. One other fact about Nick, I didn’t have to worry about A-List celebrities and reality show models flaunting themselves in front of him on a daily basis. That was a nice feeling.

I loved Nick with all my heart but he didn’t make me burn like Harry did. Nicholas made me warm, warm and that’s about it. I don’t want to sound crazy or anything but I missed getting into arguments over stupid things. Harry and I argued about anything and everything. He would leave food out on the counter and it would make my blood boil. I would leave the bathroom a mess and he would be pissed about it for hours. It was little things like that that would set us both off.Maybe that’s just how our relationship worked; I mean we were together for almost six years.

I often wonder what he’s up to nowadays. I rarely kept up with the national news, let alone the celebrity gossip. Once you’re apart of it, it’s not as appealing as it once was. I heard from mutual friends that he’s still in the business but tends to keep to himself. He would make appearances every now and then, but nothing like when we were together. When we first started dating, we would be out every weekend. Staying out until the early hours of the morning and then dragging ourselves back to his place to catch a few hours of sleep. The worse was when he was on tour or doing press; those morning were not very kind to us. As our relationship grew deeper and into parts of our marriage, Harry stayed in more and more. He was a homebody, choosing to watch a movie or read a book, rather than go out to the club or to a party someone was throwing. I wasn’t to keen on that motive at first but I grew tired of being asked where he was or why he wasn’t with me. We were getting older and the party scene was changing. It wasn’t like we were teenagers or in our early 20s anymore. I started to grow tired of the party scene as well. I was tired of just being Harry Style’s wife. I wanted to get myself out there and not for being someone’s wife. I wanted to be known for my own thing and that’s what I started to do. I wasn’t too keen on being famous for nothing like some people in Hollywood. I guess you could say that’s where our relationship started to crumble.
“Maggie, sweetheart, it’s time to go.” I looked up from the dress and towards the door. “The limo just arrived.” My mother’s voice flooded from the other side of the door. I quickly removed myself from the bed and began to gather my purse and phone. I took one last glance in the mirror before walking out the bedroom door. My mother thought that it would be appropriate to stay at her house after the rehearsal dinner. She told me that it was bad luck to be with Nick the night before the wedding. I kind of wish she would have told me that the night before I married Harry.

The limo ride was silent and long as we reached Saturday night city traffic. I watched from the darken windows as couples and friends made their way into the nightclubs and restaurants; all of them having the time of their lives at that point. I couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous of them. The only time Nick and I went out was either for dinner with his boss or on special occasions. We mostly stayed home and ate dinner at our perfectly set table. We never ordered out or just sporadically decided at 10:30 at night that we wanted Chinese or Pizza. Every meal had to be healthy and organic, no gluten or processed items allowed. It was almost like I lived in an episode of Leave it to Beaver.

“Maggie?” My mom’s voice stopped me from continuation of over-thinking. “Sweetheart, are you alright?” She asked genuinely. All I could do was nod and smile. “I’m fine mom.” I assured her. “Just a little tired that’s all.” She accepted my answer and continued to play with her phone. I knew that she was happy that I was marrying Nick. She absolutely adored him in every way. He was your typical All-American guy, no past history and no tabloid stories. He was perfect in her eyes and that’s all that mattered. I returned my gaze back to the streets passing by until we reached the location of the rehearsal party. Instead of having a tradition dinner, Nick and his family decided to have a small get together with our closest family and friends. The waiters and waitresses passed around trays of finger foods as we chit-chatted with one another. I wasn’t really a fan of the party, wanting more of a sit-down dinner type of vibe. I decided to go with it though.

About an hour into the party, the sound of a knife hitting a glass silenced the room. Everyone, including myself, turned to see Nick holding the two objects, earning everyone’s attention at that point. “Hey guys-” He started. “First off, I would just like to thank each and every one of you all for attending the gathering tonight. It really means alot to Margaret and I that you all care so much about us as a couple.” I couldn’t help but cringe slightly at the use of my full name. “When I first met Maggie, I literally thought my heart had stopped beating. She was walking across the parking lot of a grocery store. She had a list in one hand and her phone in the other.” I could feel the guest glaring at me with smiles on their faces as Nick continued to talk. “She was wearing a pair of overalls, which I thought was very brave of her seeing as it was 2024. Her hair was falling perfectly in her face as she pushed the cart into the store. I was done shopping but I knew I needed to go back into that store and find her before I let her get away.” The sound of awes filled the room as Nick walked over and took my hand in his. I looked around at the people around us, giving them all a small smile as my cheeks began to heat up. “I’m not a rockstar or have millions of dollars sitting in a mansion, but I promise to make you the happiest girl on this planet. I promise to be with you forever and always, never leaving your side no matter what. One last thing-” I watched as he knelt down as if he was about to propose again. “I promise to be the husband you’ve always deserved.”

My face began to heat up even more at his closing statement. While the people around us clapped and cheered as Nick got up and placed a kiss on my cheek, I stayed still and tried my best to smile through the anger. Everyone at this party more than likely knew of my past, I mean everyone around the world knew. The thing that pissed me off was that he had no right to say something like that. Harry was a great husband. He was loving, kind, caring, and amazing in every sense of the word. Nick knew of my feelings towards my relationship with Harry but he was playing it off as if Harry was the evil one. We weren’t even married yet and I could already tell that there was no way Nick could top him. Even if i’m destined to be with Nick the rest of my life, there are things that he could never accomplish that Harry already had.

I quickly excused myself from the party, making my way towards the bathroom in a heated mess. I didn’t know if I wanted to cry or scream at the top of my lungs. It was as if everything was starting to crumble down on top of me. The wedding, my past, Harry- All of it was starting to break me down. The crazy thing is, I hadn’t thought about Harry this much in the past year or so. Like I said, I would occasionally think about him here and there, but everything about this wedding was bringing the memories back at full force. It was as if I couldn’t get away from them.

I pushed open the bathroom door, rushing over to the sink for a bit of leverage. My heart felt as if it was about to beat out of my chest as my reflection showed what a sweaty mess I had become. Maybe if I got some fresh air, that would help me calm down. Just like I had come in, I barged back out the door and allowed the elevator to bring me down to the main lobby. The room was eerily quiet seeing as it was after eight on a Friday night. I managed to make my way out into the cold Connecticut weather, mistakenly forgetting my coat and gloves at the party. I had no idea where I walking to but I allowed my feet to carry me. I walked past people giving me strange looks since I was only wearing a short cocktail dress and carrying my heels in my hands. I must have looked like true mess but I didn’t care. I was on the edge of a major breakdown and the heels were only getting in my way.

I must have walked 30 blocks until I found myself stopped on the sidewalk. I watched as everyone went along with the Friday evening, not paying any attention to the crazy person stalking the streets of Stamford. They all looked so happy and full of life while mine seemed to be slipping through my fingers. A sane person would think that i’m crazy for leaving the party over what Nick had said but it was bound to happen.

“Maggie May?” A voice sounded. I quickly turned around to see who had spoke but all I saw were random pedestrians. “Maggie May.” The voice sounded yet again. I began to whip my head in every direction, trying my hardest to see who was saying that name. The voice was becoming louder and louder as the earth began to spin. I tried my best to stay balanced but there was no hope. A loud and continuous high pitched noise was the last thing I heard before I hit the hard earth below me.