Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

4.30pm

I got interrupted from my last entry because, even though I hadn't heard anyone approaching me, suddenly someone took me by the waist and spun me around. My diary fell out of my hands and onto the ground, making a small thud.

For a split second I thought it was one of the popular kids, ready to punch me.

Only when I felt someone wrap their arms around me and whisper my name did I open my eyes and feel Julian's hair tickle the skin on my neck.

At first I just let him embrace me, wanted to wrap my arms around him and somehow stop time so we could always stay like that, but then I remembered how he had treated me all day. How little support he had given me, how distant he had been acting.

Then I slid my arms up between us and pushed him away. Julian must have known what I was feeling because he didn't look surprised, just sad.

'What's been with you lately?' suddenly I was shouting and I couldn't stop. 'You've been so distant towards me, as if you felt nothing for me at all! Have you decided that you don't want this anymore? That you don't want me anymore?'

The words tumbled out and then, when I had nothing more to say, I felt tears in the corners of my eyes. I hate the way I always cry when I'm angry, sad or under pressure. I was never good at hiding emotion.

Julian was staring at me, right into my eyes, and I felt embarrassed at crying. I dropped my gaze to the ground.

'I'm sorry.' Julian said, stepped forward once, hesitated, and stepped back. He was afraid that I would push him away again. Afraid of the rejection, just like I was.

'I stayed away so that I wouldn't cause you any more trouble.' he carried on in a quiet voice. 'I didn't want to hurt you any further, I didn't want to make you hate me for what I've caused you.'

'I don't want to lose you.' Those words made anger bubble up inside of me.

'Why the hell do you think that?' I said through gritted teeth, my voice low. 'Why do you think that just because some idiots at school are treating me like scum this will make me not want you anymore? I already told you, this isn't your fault!'

I was shouting again.

'You know what? You could never lose me, because...!'

I ran towards him, not wanting to talk anymore. Words couldn't express what I was feeling. I just wanted to be close to him again, to show him that he could never lose me because I wouldn't let him. No matter what the consequences.

I clung to him, pulling my arms around his back as far as they would go, and cried into his shoulder, my sobs muffled by our closeness. He hugged me back and rocked me, like I was a small child. I felt like a child, lost and lonely.

Funny how Julian's way of not trying to lose me causes me to think that I'm losing him.

'Simon, I'm...' he paused, as if reprimanding himself for nearly saying sorry, 'I'm not going to leave you. I just thought that staying away from you would be the best thing for you but I found out that I can't. Now that I've showed you how I feel, I can't suppress it anymore. It's impossible for me to stop feeling this way, impossible for me not to be near you.'

'I feel the same way.' I said quietly, my voice having lost the will to make proper sound.

'I'll never do that again. I can't do that again.' He said, reassuring himself as much as me, and he kissed me on the forehead.

'I love you, Simon.'

11.30pm

Can't sleep. Can't think straight. Can't breathe.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you, Simon.

Guess what?

I love you too.

Really, I do.