Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

Friday 25th March

4.30pm

No more school!
No more popular kids!
No more Cathy!
No more hell!

It's not like I'm pleased by this or anything.

Finally I can just relax and be with the people I actually want to be with. Like Clara.

And Julian.

I've been worried though - how will I spend time with him this holiday?

Usually we just laze around each-other's houses or go to places like the beach or the park but...

Now everything has changed. Whenever we're together, there will be a whole new meaning to it. I don't think we'll be able to relax as friends anymore.

Would we go on... Dates? That would be strange. It wouldn't seem new when we went out together, seeming as we've known each-other for four years now. There would be nothing new to find out about each-other, because we know it all already. But still... things will be different now.

Has everything changed between us now?

My mum has just called me from downstairs. She's home earlier than usual, I wonder what's up...

6.00pm

There's no point thinking about spending the holiday with Julian now.

I'm going to London. For two weeks. To visit my dad. Tomorrow!

Mum described it as a 'nice surprise' for me, but I don't see anything nice about it. I planned never to see my dad again until she dropped this bombshell.

She explained that we're having a conservatory built at the back of the house and, because the house will be swarming with builders, Mum and Katie are going to stay with Aunt Fiona and because there isn't enough room I'm conveniently going to visit my dad.

'I can stay at Julian's house! He won't mind!' I protested, but Mum wasn't having any of it.

'Simon, I've already booked you a seat on the train and your Dad is looking forward to seeing you. You can't deny him a visit after two years!'

Oh yes I can. That bastard hasn't given a crap about me for two years so I think I should return the gesture.

However, it seems inevitable now that I'm getting on the train to London tomorrow morning. It'll be a long ride, but at least I'll have time to prepare myself for the horrors of dad and his new happy family.

Now I'm going to Julian's house to break the news to him. This is probably the last time I'll see him for a while.

I could hardly last a day without him. What will two weeks be like?

10.00pm

When Julian's mum answered the door, she didn't look surprised to see me waiting the other side. He and I have made random visits to each-other over the years more times than I can count.

'Come in Simon, love.' She said warmly to me. 'Ju's just in the shower.' Then she disappeared back into the lounge where the television was on, blaring out some quiz show.

I climbed the wooden stairs in my socks, my trainers abandoned by the front door, and knocked on the dark blue door at the end of the landing.

'Come in.' Julian's voice called out.

I opened the door and was met with the fresh smells of shower gel mingled with shampoo. Then I saw Julian, who was on one leg trying to stuff a sock on his foot. Then he turned around to greet his visitor. I think he presumed it was his mother and not me.

Did I forget to mention that he was completely shirtless?

Unlike when I accidentally saw Cathy, my reaction to this was pretty crazy.

At first he was surprised to see me and then a warm smile lit up his face.

'Simon...' he said and walked towards me. I watched his torso move as he moved, lean but not quite muscular, and complete perfection to me.

He put one hand on the small of my back before closing his bedroom door, which sent shivers up my spine. Then he enveloped me in a hug, the smell of his freshly washed body and shampooed hair nearly knocking me out.

It's strange how, even though I've seen him shirtless before, I only realized how perfect looking Julian was just then.

I thought about how I wouldn't be able to see him for two weeks. I wouldn't be able to smell his familiar smell, feel his body reassuringly against mine, feel his long hair tickle my exposed skin.

I started kissing him. Each kiss was short and full force because I couldn't kiss one part of him for too long before moving on.

His cheek, his jaw line, his shoulders, his chest, his stomach...

I knew that his groans in response were that of pleasure and not pain.

He knelt down after a while, to be at the same height as me. He kissed me on the lips, a kiss of desperate passion, and I didn't hesitate to kiss him back.

Julian pushed me to the ground and began to lift up the bottom hem of my T-shirt. Part of me suddenly felt self-conscious because of my awkward body being next to his, but the rest of me felt too caught up in the moment to give a damn.

He took it off without hesitation and then started kissing me again. The feeling of his skin against mine was the best in the world. I ran my hands through his hair and along his back, pulling him towards me as close as he could go.

The thought of not being near him leapt unbidden into my mind. The thought of not seeing him, of losing him to somebody else who deserved him...

I hate my emotions. I was crying. Again.

I've done so much damn crying lately. I think some thing's really wrong with me.

Julian noticed this and stopped kissing me. He lifted himself up, knelt with his knees either side of mine and lifted me so that I sat up. He wrapped his arms around me carefully and kissed me on the forehead softly.

He was treating me like a china doll, so fragile that one wrong movement and I could break.

'What's wrong?' He asked quietly. 'Is there something you need to tell me?'