Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

'Is there something you need to tell me?'...

I said nothing for a while and Julian was patient for my answer to his question, rocking me back and forth like the child I felt to be at that point - vulnerable and helpless.

Only when my breathing had evened out and the tears had long dried up did I tell him.

'I'm going to London to see my father for two weeks.'

'Oh.' was all Julian said after a few seconds. He knew how much I hated my father and how much I mustn't have wanted to go already. He didn't want to make a fuss, to make me miss home for those two weeks even more. I could see the conflicting emotions on his face as he hesitated to speak.

'I will miss you,' he said finally in a guarded voice, 'but I still want you to enjoy London, even though I'm guessing you don't want to see your father.'

His eyes told me a different story. They were screaming 'Get out of it! Stay with me!' but Julian was too selfless when it came to me. He never wanted to be selfish, even though what he wanted was exactly what I wanted too.

'I would stay with you, but I have to go. I'll miss you like hell, though.' I answered what he felt, not what he said. Julian smiled at me sadly. 'I'm just afraid that...' I trailed off, realizing what I was about to say sounded ridiculous even in my own head. Julian cupped my face with both hands.

'Tell me.'

I took a deep breath.

'I'm afraid that when gone you might realize how much better off you are without me and move on. I know I don't deserve you but... I still don't want to lose you.' Julian's eyes, inches away, studied my own for a while. I felt embarrassed about how stupid I must have seemed to him and looked at the ground.

Finally he spoke.

'Simon, you must know that I'd find it completely impossible to ever move on from you. I never moved on in all that time you never knew my feelings, so now would be completely unachievable.' He shook his head at me, bemused that I was afraid of that.

I can't help but feel that way though, even now. Julian is better looking and generally a better person than me. I'm still afraid of losing him to someone superior and more on his level and I don't think that will change very easily.

'It'll only be two weeks. I'll be waiting for you the whole time.' he promised and started kissing along my shoulder softly.

'And I'll be thinking of you the entire time, because there's no reason I want to be in London with my dad.' I said through gritted teeth. Just thinking about him sets me on edge.

'Simon, maybe you could try to get along with your father. He must want to see you if he invited you. Maybe he's changed.' Julian said but I shook my head vehemently.

'That doesn't cover up the fact that he left my mother without a penny to look after two children. I'll never forgive him for that!' I said angrily and Julian stroked my hair comfortingly.

'Well, just go for the experience of London then. There's plenty of stuff to do and you can just go out all day.' He said reassuringly. 'You'll get through this. It's only two weeks.'

'I know.' I said, feeling a lot calmer. 'It just seems like such a long time the day before it starts and I won't be able to see you for two weeks.'

'You're seeing me now.' Julian said happily and smiled at me. Then my mind reminded me of the other thing I was thinking about. Catching him off guard, I pushed Julian over and lay on top of him.

'That's true. So I was thinking... let's make the most of this.' I said, looking him straight in the eye.

'Wait, Simon... you mean...?' Julian said, looking confusedly at me.

I nodded. I thought that if we had sex then Julian would definitely wait for me. I didn't exactly feel ready for it myself, but I thought that it would show Julian how much I loved him. I bent forward and started kissing him, running my hands along his bare chest.

I would have gone further but Julian took my hands in his own and stopped kissing me. He looked at me in an understanding way, having worked out my ulterior motive.

'You don't have to do this, Simon. Not yet. Don't think that this will make me more likely to stay with you. I'd stay with you even if we didn't have sex for years. That's the truth.' he smiled at me but I couldn't smile back. I felt like an idiot and blushed. Then I rolled off of him and sunk to the floor, completely embarrassed.

'I'm sorry.' I said, mortified.

'Don't apologize; you'll start sounding like me.' Julian said good-naturedly and lay down beside me. He took my hand in his.

'All of that can wait. You go enjoy London.' he said. I just lay in silence, thinking about seeing my father again.

Then my eyes flicked down to my watch and I sighed. 9.50pm.

I sat up and picked up my T-shirt. Then I had an idea. I dropped my T-shirt, leaned over Julian and picked up his, which he had discarded on the floor before showering.

My movements made him open his eyes.

'What are you doing with my T-shirt?' he asked.

'I want to take something of yours for when I'm in London.' I answered and Julian raised an eyebrow at me quizzically. 'The smell of it will remind me of you.' I explained and his mouth formed a silent 'Oh.'

'Then I'll return the favor.' he agreed and took my T-shirt. He held it to his face and inhaled deeply. 'You're right. It smells just like you...' he dropped the T-shirt onto his lap, leant forward and kissed me.

This kiss was less desperate than the ones earlier, but it wasn't any less passionate. It was just softer and a lot sweeter. It made me sigh in a good way.

Then my eyes couldn't help but drift to my watch again. 9:53pm. My mum would go crazy if I didn't get home and pack for the trip. I didn't want to leave, but Julian noticed my reluctant glance to my watch.

'If you have to go, then go.' he said sadly. 'Just know that I'd wait for you if you were gone for two years, let alone two weeks.'

'Still... I wish I could have spent this time with you.' I said, cupping a hand around his face. We started kissing again and, like every time it happened, I felt like my lips were on fire. We broke apart after a few minutes and Julian kissed me on the forehead.

'You know my e-mail address and my mobile number. We can still talk to each-other at least.'

I kissed his jaw line and neck a few times, inhaling enough of his smell to last me two weeks.

'See you later then.' I said abruptly, fighting off my emotions, pulled on his dark blue T-shirt and stood up. Julian stood up too and we embraced one last time, clinging so hard that both of us could hardly breathe.

Then I turned around and walked out the door using my remaining scraps of willpower. How I wanted to turn back and kiss him again, but that meant I'd never get myself away from him. I said goodbye to his mother, stuffed my feet in my trainers and ran out the front door. I didn't stop running until I got home, which was about a three minute run away fortunately, and then I packed like a madman.

Now I'm sitting on my bed, facing my suitcase like it's my worst enemy.

What will my dad be like after two years? What will his girlfriend be like? And my stepbrother to be? (Yes, dad's engaged.)

I know he's eighteen but I can't place his name. Perhaps even if I don't get on with dad then I can befriend him instead. At least I might have someone to turn to on this awful sounding trip...