Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

17

Monday 28th March

5pm

I had a bit of an awkward day today, if there ever was such an understatement.

I was all set this morning to go out with Vanessa again, happy at the prospect of covering more streets and attractions of London. However, this didn't happen.

Stupidly, I didn't think that Vanessa had work, and so did dad. That meant I was left with Jay for the day. Vanessa told me before she left and, despite myself, I felt my heart sink. I wanted to give Jay a chance to be friends, but my gut feeling was that Jay wouldn't give me the same chance.

It was 9am when Vanessa left. I heard Jay stir at 12pm and get up. I had been reading patiently whilst waiting and also read a reply from Julian to my e-mail.

Dear Simon,

You really don't need to miss me - have fun in London instead!

And remember that I'll be waiting for you here so there's no need to worry about me.

I'm so glad you're enjoying the city. I hardly remember it, seeming as I visited when I was only seven! Found some decent shops yet? You might as well take advantage of all the great clothes and stuff there. The London Eye sounds awesome.

One day we'll have to visit London together.

How are things with your dad? Vanessa sounds nice, but what's Jay like? You didn't mention him much in the e-mail. Are you getting along well?

I know I said there's no point missing me earlier, but I'm being a hypocrite because I miss you terribly. It's like when you left you took a part of me with you and it's aching constantly. If that makes any sense at all.

I'm just being selfish though, it's only two weeks.

I'll see you in 12 days! (Yes, I'm counting down the days)

I love you, Simon.

Julian xxxxx


You would have thought that hearing from Julian would have made me feel better, but it made me miss him even more. When he wrote 'I love you' it made my heart beat violently, like it was trying to burst through my ribcage.

I haven't written an e-mail back yet, so I will do after this entry. Talking of which, back to explaining my day.

I felt too shy to go out of my room and see Jay, so I just listened for him instead. I heard the shower running, the sound of a fork scraping against a plate, even the metallic noise of his MP3 player as he walked past my room.

Eventually all went quiet and curiosity got the better of me and I opened my door quietly but quickly. I craned my head to the left as I walked so I didn't notice that who I was searching for was standing right in front of me.

I crashed into him and gasped in surprise. I mumbled an apology, stepping back quickly and looked at his face. It was a mask of frozen horror. Then, after a few seconds, his head jolted away and he stared at the floor.

'Sorry.' I apologized. 'I didn't see you there...' my voice trailed off because I was so puzzled by his reaction. Then I felt the atmosphere, thick enough to cut with a knife, and started mumbling again.

'Erm... Vanessa told me that I'd be with you today so, um, I was wondering, um, what we were going to... do.' I flicked my gaze to his face, which was still staring at the floor now in anger. I didn't know what I did to make him angry, just like those other times he got angry at me.

Then, almost in a blur, he walked away and towards the door. He was walking like a robot, arms and legs like steel under his hoodie and skinny jeans. He grabbed a black messenger bag, flung it over his shoulder and opened the door. I walked quickly to catch up with him.

He looked back, glowered at me, and then walked out the door. I found it hard to keep up with his long, purposeful strides. Obviously he didn't want me to follow, but I wasn't going to stay in the house all day. I decided that he didn't have a right to be so angry at me for no reason, so I was going to keep on following him.

We got outside the apartment building and Jay turned to me. He looked livid. I bit my lip, waiting for something to happen. I felt so uncomfortable, scared even, and I didn't even know why. Why was he acting like this?

'Don't follow me. Don't bother me. Leave me alone.' he spat out each short instruction and turned away. Stupid person I am, I felt my eyes welling up with tears for the thousandth time. I fought them back, though, not wanting him to see me cry.

One tear slipped down my cheek when he turned around, probably to check if I was even there. I didn't know why he hadn't walked away. Something was keeping him standing there, but I didn't know what.

I looked at him, feeling angry and embarrassed at the same time, and I saw that he looked... torn? But I didn't know what he was torn between.

He hesitated, opened his mouth but then closed it. He frowned, but now in confusion.

He was just about to speak when someone interrupted us...

'Jay! Who's the cute guy?!' the voice was male, but quite high and feminine in sound. Camp is the word. I turned around, wiping the tear off my face, to see a guy who looked around my age wearing square framed black glasses, tight black trousers, loafers and a pale pink shirt.

He looked flamboyant, not just in clothes but in personality. Even the way he walked was extroverted. His smile was naturally confident and he exuded self-surity. He smiled at me and suddenly the heavy atmosphere around me and Jay lifted slightly.

He was like the safety ring being thrown over the side of the ship

He walked up to Jay and leant one elbow on his shoulder. Jay has wiped away all anger and confusion from his expression, to leave one of indifference.

'Hey Ian.' he said in an aloof way. Ian turned to me, realization dawning on his face.

'You're Simon, right?' he asked and I nodded.

'Well, I'm Jay's friend, have been for years, and the rest of our little group are over here...' he grabbed my hand and strode away to where three other people were standing.

There were two girls and a boy. The boy, standing between the girls, was the tallest in the group, even taller than me, and he had dark blue, pensive eyes and a serious face. His hair was a straight, chestnut brown and it fell to his shoulders except for where his fringe was. The way he towered over everyone and looked over them, like a ruler would for his people, gave him a natural air of authority and I felt in awe of him.

One of the girls had dyed blonde, straight hair (I could tell because the hair underneath was dark) and she was wearing dark, bold eye make-up which made her bright blue eyes stand out dramatically. Her face was heart shaped and she had curvy, pink lips. One word summed her up: Cute.

The other girl was the complete opposite. Dark curls framed her oval, coffee-skinned face and her eyes were such a dark brown they were nearly black. She had full, brown lips and an intense look about her. The two girls could not be more different.

Each smiled at me. The blonde girl even gave me a little wave.

'This is Riley.' Blonde girl. 'This is Ben.' Tall guy. 'This is Alette.' Intense girl. Ian listed off their names. Each nodded at their name so I knew who they were.

I felt nervous that they'd react to me like Jay did (Ian seemed too friendly to react like that to anyone) but they talked to me and asked me questions without feigning interest. In the end I was invited to spend the day with the group, much to Jay's displeasure.

What was the cause of all his displeasure anyway?

We walked around Camden and it was nice not to feel intimidated by all the other groups of people, seeming as I was now in a group myself.

The girls, keen to 'give me a make-over' ended up taking me clothes shopping and I got kitted out in all the latest stuff. I was now one of the guys who wore cool hoodies and skinny jeans. At first I felt stupid, but when I saw myself in the mirror, I couldn't help but feel surprised.

I actually looked cool. Alette and Ian had picked my clothes out and I was now wearing a black T-shirt with what looked like neon paint splats all over it, a pair of dark blue skinny jeans, a pair of checkered slip on shoes and a dark grey and black hoodie.

Also, Riley had styled my hair, which for once didn't look like a complete mess. It looked like a stylish mess instead.

The girls and Ian were very pleased with my new clothes and even Ben gave a solemn nod of approval. I looked like I fitted in now, seeming as Ben and Jay were wearing similar clothing. (Ian, like in everything, was set apart from everyone else.)

Jay was still glowering at me most of the time, but I saw his look of surprise at my new clothes. I think he looked impressed, but I couldn't tell. You never can really decipher his moods.

Then we went to a little modern cafe, with rock music blaring out of the speakers, for a drink and a conversation. Apart from Jay everyone was friendly to me and I felt accepted by Jay's friends, if not Jay himself.

Riley was especially friendly towards me. This is probably just my imagination, but I thought she was flirting with me. I'm not used to attention from girls, so I didn't know how to react to this. Not that I was at all interested, which still makes me feel a bit ashamed. I just tried to ignore all her looks, shrugged her arm off mine the best I could.

Why don't I like girls anymore?

Everything would be more simple if I did. Then everything wouldn't be so secretive, so complicated, so filled with doubt. Sometimes I wish I wasn't attracted to guys. It seems so unnatural, not to mention the fact that most people don't accept it. I don't think I'll ever be accepted for who I am.

After the cafe I walked home with Jay. This was the most awkward part of the day. I didn't know whether Jay was going to shout at me or complete blank me.

He chose the latter, walking quickly and silently all the way home. I followed anxiously, wishing that I knew my own way home. Finally we reached the apartment building and I felt relieved to see it. Soon I wouldn't have to be near the volatile Jay anymore.

Jay practically ran up the stairs but I chose to walk. I didn't need to follow him anymore, so there wasn't any point. I stopped midway on a flight of stairs when I saw Jay waiting at the top of it.

'I told you to stay away from me, but it seems that you didn't grasp that. So I'll tell you again: keep away from my life and my friends or I'll have to do something about it.' it sounded like a genuine threat and made me shudder. Jay saw this shudder and smirked.

'That's more like it.' he said, satisfied, and walked away. I stood there for a few minutes before resuming a slow walk.

Then I shut myself in my room and got my diary out.

What's made him like that towards me? Because I was his step-father's real son? He didn't seem too close to my father, so I didn't really accept this. I think it must be something I've done - although I have no idea what.

Well, there's no way I'm asking him. I enjoy living too much.
♠ ♠ ♠
Wow, that was a long one.

Sorry I haven't updated for a while :(

I've had a new story idea and am tempted to start writing it, but am worried that I won't have as much time for this story. What do you think I should do? Just leave me a comment.

The new story is another slash and involves a kidnapping! Tell me what you think please.