Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

Tuesday 30th March

10:am

I've just woken up. Vanessa left a note on the kitchen counter, even though I know she's gone to work. I guess I just have to wait around for Jay now...

11:am

Still no sign of him.

12:00am

He should be up by now!

12:15am

Where the heck is he?

12:30am

Clearly he isn't home. He's been sneaky, and left the house really early so I couldn't follow him. What does he have against me anyway? Am I not cool enough for him or something? Does my existing damage his reputation?
The door bell has just rung, I'll go see who it is...

12:35am

Ian is now waiting in the lounge whilst I get ready to go out. He figured that Jay had left me behind so he took it upon himself to come fetch me. I wish Jay was as nice to me as Ian is. I don't want to see the look on Jay's face when Ian brings me to him. I doubt he'll be ecstatic.
I will report on everything later, because I have to go...

4:30pm

I've had a strange day so far. (When will that ever change?)

Ian and I met up with the others but Jay wasn't there. When Ben noticed my confused look, he explained.

'Jay has a part-time job at a record store. He works Tuesday to Saturday mornings.'

That explained why he wasn't home, but he could have at least told me. It just proved how heavily he disliked me. I was still relieved that I didn't have to see him - I didn't want to put up with his daggers in my back all day.

Instead I had to put up with Riley. Don't get me wrong, Riley was really nice to me and always included me in conversation, but she was almost too nice. The kind of nice that happens when a girl likes you as more than a friend.

I tried to avoid her so it didn't look like I was leading her on. I don't want to resort to telling her outright that I'm gay, but it seems like it's heading towards that. I haven't told anyone (intentionally) about it yet and I don't want to start with someone I don't even know that well.

Unlike me, Ian seemed completely open to his homosexuality, which didn't surprise me considering his open, confident personality. It felt to me that if he was in my situation he wouldn't care about the staring and the snide comments at school or my family's reactions to my confession. He would get it all over with and come out of it smiling. I wish I could be that easygoing about it.

The morning was great because Ian, Riley, Aletta and Ben were all so nice to me, but I couldn't get rid of the anxiety settling in the pit of my stomach. Jay-related anxiety.

The anxiety filled my entire body when I saw him walking towards us. His eyes were molten with anger - I could see them searing into us whilst he walked. When he reached us Ben stood in front of me, confirming my thoughts that the anger was because of me.

Ian stood in front of Ben, forming a double barrier between me and Jay. Riley stood beside me protectively and Aletta approached Jay. It seemed they all knew how much he hated me.

'What is he doing here?' Jay practically spat at Ian whilst glaring at him. I felt bad for this - I didn't want to be the cause of Jay arguing with his friends. I stepped away from Riley and mumble something about leaving, but Ben shook his head, his silent order stopping me in my tracks.

'Simon is our friend too.' Ian said calmly. 'Why do you have such a problem with him?' his sudden question caught Jay off guard. He hesitated, unsure of what to say. I watched him, poised like a mouse waiting to run for its life from the cat, and he caught my eye momentarily. He didn't look angry this time, just... upset.

Then he turned and walked away. Nobody tried to stop him. Despite how he had acted towards me since the start of my visit, the look he gave me made my heart wrench. My mind had no suitable answer for why this reaction was invoked in me.

'Can I talk to you?' Ben asked and I didn't think the question was aimed at me until I looked up from the ground to see his face. I nodded and followed him a short distance until we were away from the others. Even Riley didn't follow me.

'Okay, you're probably wondering what the hell is up with Jay.' he started what seemed to be like a rehearsed speech in his solemn way. 'I've known him for my whole life and I know by now what makes him act this way.' He paused and I said nothing, just wanting to know what he'd say next.

'Whenever Jay likes someone in... a more than friendship way... he automatically rejects them despite himself. He tries to make them hate him so they will stay away from him. He does it to protect himself from starting a relationship.' Ben looked at me, waiting for me to say something. At first I was too shocked to react, but then I had questions.

'So you're saying that he likes me?'

'Yes.'

'So that's why he's acting like this?'

'Yes.'

'Ah.' When the questions ran out I had nothing else to say. I was still trying to process all the new information.

Jay liked me. In more than a friendly way.

Yet he acted like he hated me. Why was this?

Ben answered my last thought unintentionally.

'I think he acts like that because of the many times he saw his mother get together with someone who wasn't right for her and how she always ended up getting hurt. He didn't want the same to happen to him, so he started pushing away the people he felt attracted to. It isn't your fault at all, Simon.'

Even after confiding all that information in me, Ben didn't look fazed at all. I was beginning to think serenity was the only emotion that ever showed on his face.

'I think he took it worse this time because he's never been attracted to a guy before.' he added.

I nodded, things suddenly making sense to me. All the looks of anger and then those other looks he gave me when he looked torn.

Torn between being attracted to me and hating me for it.

As soon as I understood I felt sympathy for him. I didn't know what to do about it though and I still don't after much thought. I could tell him what I know about it, but he'll probably freak out and do something he'll regret. The only other options are to stay right away from him or to feign innocence and try to be friends.

Trying to be friends doesn't sound like the best thing I can do for Jay so I've decided to stay away from him as much as possible. I only have a week and a half and then I don't have to see him ever again if I don't want to.

This will be best for him and for me. For everyone.

Now I'm in my room again (which will be my main sanctuary from Jay) and I've just written Julian an e-mail.

I regret sending it because, when I read it over again after, I seemed quite distant. It was like there wasn't much emotion to the e-mail, though I hardly know how an electronic message can be emotional. I hope I haven't hurt Julian's feelings.

All I can do is await his answer, his e-mails being the only thing keeping me sane here.

I want to get to know Vanessa, and maybe even dad, but I can't stay here for longer than necessary. I'll stay away after this visit for Jay's sake - I've caused him nothing but trouble so far.

I'll be fine, I only have 10 days left...