Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?
19
Wednesday 31st March
6am
I can't sleep.
I can't stop thinking.
About Julian, Jay, Vanessa, Dad, Mum... everyone.
I can't stop worrying.
11am
At least waking up late means that Jay will have definitely left the house. I'm going to have a quiet day in today. I still have two books left to read...
3pm
It seems that my day wasn't meant to be quiet today.
Riley came over. She came in before I could invite her and made herself comfy. It didn't offend me seeming as she must have come over before as Jay's friend.
Her blonde hair was styled to perfection and her make-up expertly done, her clothes cute and flattering. If I was straight I think I would have been falling at her feet. The way she smiled at me, listened intently to every little thing I said, signaled she was indeed interested in me.
I didn't know what to do about it.
The moment came when I had to tell her when we were both sitting on the sofa. She shuffled over slightly so our arms were touching and confessed to me.
'I really like you, Simon.' she said simply, smiling her candy floss smile.
Then she leant in to kiss me. I turned away and she looked hurt, thinking that I was rejecting her because of her, not myself. I didn't want her to be hurt by me so I told her after taking a deep breath.
'I'm sorry Riley, I'm gay.' The words felt strange as they rolled off my tongue. My first intentional confession - to a girl I hardly knew.
At first she looked surprised and then she just smiled warmly again, no longer looking upset.
'Really? I feel so stupid for not noticing. Can we just be friends?'
I agreed and then we talked for a while longer. It turned out that, because Riley wasn't trying to impress me anymore, she let her guard down and we had a lot in common. She just left a few minutes earlier.
Jay could be home at any time so I better get back to my room. I haven't checked for a reply from Julian yet...
4pm
Jay is home. I can tell by the sound of his shoes scuffing against the carpet of the little hallway, separating the three bedrooms, as he walks. Also, the metallic sound of his speakers as he went past my door just now.
I'm reading my book as quietly as I can, turning each page as silently as possible, in the hopes that he won't hear me.
I did get a reply from Julian and I can remember every word.
Simon,
Are you okay? You sounded a bit distant in the last e-mail. It's probably my imagination, but just know that if anything has happened please talk to me about it. I'm here for you.
I do hope you are having a good time and tell me more about what happened in London in your next e-mail - I want to know!
Have you bought any cool stuff yet? Any souvenirs? (Not that I'm hinting, or anything...)
Only 9 days to go! (Yes, still counting...)
I love you.
Julian.
The e-mail made my mood increase dramatically, but I felt annoyed at myself for the e-mail I sent. Of course Julian would pick up on my being distant, he sees through everything when it comes to me - he knows me too well.
5.30pm
The door has just slammed, signifying that Jay has left the house. I'm going to take this chance to have a shower, because I didn't have one this morning...
7pm
I've just... no, I can't even write about it right now. It's still too raw...
Thursday 1st April
12am
Okay, I'm just going to write this down and get it over with.
I only realized after my shower that I'd left my change of clothes in my bedroom, so I walked out of the bathroom with just a towel around my waist to retrieve them. I entered my room but froze after shut the door behind me. My curtains were closed, covering the room in darkness.
Jay was sitting at the computer desk, but he was facing me.
I recognized my e-mail system up on the computer monitor and distinctly saw the word 'Julian' written on the screen. He had read my e-mails to and from Julian!
Did that mean...?
'I know about your secret Simon.' he said to me, his voice unnaturally calm. 'I know you're gay.'
He did know. He would tell everyone. Vanessa. My dad. My dad would reject me again, just like he rejected our family two years ago.
I was too upset to even speak, let alone deny what he said, and I didn't move as he got up and walked towards me. Warning signals were going off in my brain, but I didn't react to them. I was too caught up in knowing what he could now do to my life.
He moved so that I was trapped between him and the door. I was still frozen, out of fear and trepidation, so I still didn't react.
He began to kiss me softly. First my cheek, then my jawline, my neck, my shoulder...
My brain dully received this information, but I did nothing about it. I just stood there and let it happen.
After a few kisses he wrapped his arms around me, clinging to me like I was the solitary rock in an endless sea in which he was drowning. He kissed me properly and slipped his tongue into my mouth. He let out a small, stifled groan.
I felt years of rejection, of pushing people away, of distancing himself, all pushed into that kiss. His deep loneliness and self-hatred all surged through it and gave it power.
My brain screamed for me to stop him but my heart, my compassion didn't let me. The overwhelming emotion emanating from him into me made me feel sad for him. I didn't want him to be rejected the first time he acted on his feelings towards someone, to make him lose all trust in other people and in love.
I didn't want him to be alone anymore.
Whilst kissing me he turned me around and walked me back until my legs rested against the side of my bed. Then he pushed me back and I had hardly hit the duvet before he was on top of me.
He just looked at me for a moment with those eyes full of tentative love, and whispered into the dark.
'I love you.'
He then leant down and began to kiss my body again, each kiss a little bit harder than the last. I lay there, torn between letting him do this and stopping him.
'I love you, I love you, I love you.' he whispered over and over, as if admitting his feelings to all the people he'd rejected just to spite his own feelings. He then took off his T-shirt to reveal a pale torso almost as skinny as mine and leant down to kiss me.
His body felt cold and alien against mine, not warm and safe like Julian's. Fear began to creep back into my mind, slightly drowning out the war going on in my heart.
What was going to happen? Why wasn't I stopping him?
Then Jay's hand moved slowly down to my towel and dragged it off me. Naked and exposed, fear then woke up my body again. As usual, my first reaction was to cry. Silent tears began to stream down my face.
Jay's face, looming over mine, looked worried and confused. He was scared, just like me.
Then I managed to find my voice again, more useful than my body trapped between his legs.
'Please don't... please...' I begged, almost incoherently, for him to stop. However much I didn't want him to suffer the rejection, I couldn't sacrifice myself for his sake.
I'd rather die than cheat on Julian.
Jay gasped slightly, as if only just realizing his actions. Many different emotions flickered across his face, reflecting his own internal battle against his feelings. Sadness, self-hatred, guilt and, what I feared most, rejection.
He suddenly raised his hand and I closed my eyes, wincing in preparation for his strike. Instead, I felt his hand start to caress the contours of my face.
My forehead, my eye-lids, my nose, my mouth, my cheek...
I turned my face away, wanting him to stop despite how many shivers his warm touch sent down my spine.
His hand cringed away from my face, like my skin had burnt it, and he got off the bed hurriedly.
I only opened my eyes after I heard him practically run across the room and slam the door behind him. I curled up on the bed, naked and shivering.
I didn't move for a long time, silent tears still streaming down my face.
The thing that scared me the most, hurt me the most, was that part of me...
Didn't want him to stop.
6am
I can't sleep.
I can't stop thinking.
About Julian, Jay, Vanessa, Dad, Mum... everyone.
I can't stop worrying.
11am
At least waking up late means that Jay will have definitely left the house. I'm going to have a quiet day in today. I still have two books left to read...
3pm
It seems that my day wasn't meant to be quiet today.
Riley came over. She came in before I could invite her and made herself comfy. It didn't offend me seeming as she must have come over before as Jay's friend.
Her blonde hair was styled to perfection and her make-up expertly done, her clothes cute and flattering. If I was straight I think I would have been falling at her feet. The way she smiled at me, listened intently to every little thing I said, signaled she was indeed interested in me.
I didn't know what to do about it.
The moment came when I had to tell her when we were both sitting on the sofa. She shuffled over slightly so our arms were touching and confessed to me.
'I really like you, Simon.' she said simply, smiling her candy floss smile.
Then she leant in to kiss me. I turned away and she looked hurt, thinking that I was rejecting her because of her, not myself. I didn't want her to be hurt by me so I told her after taking a deep breath.
'I'm sorry Riley, I'm gay.' The words felt strange as they rolled off my tongue. My first intentional confession - to a girl I hardly knew.
At first she looked surprised and then she just smiled warmly again, no longer looking upset.
'Really? I feel so stupid for not noticing. Can we just be friends?'
I agreed and then we talked for a while longer. It turned out that, because Riley wasn't trying to impress me anymore, she let her guard down and we had a lot in common. She just left a few minutes earlier.
Jay could be home at any time so I better get back to my room. I haven't checked for a reply from Julian yet...
4pm
Jay is home. I can tell by the sound of his shoes scuffing against the carpet of the little hallway, separating the three bedrooms, as he walks. Also, the metallic sound of his speakers as he went past my door just now.
I'm reading my book as quietly as I can, turning each page as silently as possible, in the hopes that he won't hear me.
I did get a reply from Julian and I can remember every word.
Simon,
Are you okay? You sounded a bit distant in the last e-mail. It's probably my imagination, but just know that if anything has happened please talk to me about it. I'm here for you.
I do hope you are having a good time and tell me more about what happened in London in your next e-mail - I want to know!
Have you bought any cool stuff yet? Any souvenirs? (Not that I'm hinting, or anything...)
Only 9 days to go! (Yes, still counting...)
I love you.
Julian.
The e-mail made my mood increase dramatically, but I felt annoyed at myself for the e-mail I sent. Of course Julian would pick up on my being distant, he sees through everything when it comes to me - he knows me too well.
5.30pm
The door has just slammed, signifying that Jay has left the house. I'm going to take this chance to have a shower, because I didn't have one this morning...
7pm
I've just... no, I can't even write about it right now. It's still too raw...
Thursday 1st April
12am
Okay, I'm just going to write this down and get it over with.
I only realized after my shower that I'd left my change of clothes in my bedroom, so I walked out of the bathroom with just a towel around my waist to retrieve them. I entered my room but froze after shut the door behind me. My curtains were closed, covering the room in darkness.
Jay was sitting at the computer desk, but he was facing me.
I recognized my e-mail system up on the computer monitor and distinctly saw the word 'Julian' written on the screen. He had read my e-mails to and from Julian!
Did that mean...?
'I know about your secret Simon.' he said to me, his voice unnaturally calm. 'I know you're gay.'
He did know. He would tell everyone. Vanessa. My dad. My dad would reject me again, just like he rejected our family two years ago.
I was too upset to even speak, let alone deny what he said, and I didn't move as he got up and walked towards me. Warning signals were going off in my brain, but I didn't react to them. I was too caught up in knowing what he could now do to my life.
He moved so that I was trapped between him and the door. I was still frozen, out of fear and trepidation, so I still didn't react.
He began to kiss me softly. First my cheek, then my jawline, my neck, my shoulder...
My brain dully received this information, but I did nothing about it. I just stood there and let it happen.
After a few kisses he wrapped his arms around me, clinging to me like I was the solitary rock in an endless sea in which he was drowning. He kissed me properly and slipped his tongue into my mouth. He let out a small, stifled groan.
I felt years of rejection, of pushing people away, of distancing himself, all pushed into that kiss. His deep loneliness and self-hatred all surged through it and gave it power.
My brain screamed for me to stop him but my heart, my compassion didn't let me. The overwhelming emotion emanating from him into me made me feel sad for him. I didn't want him to be rejected the first time he acted on his feelings towards someone, to make him lose all trust in other people and in love.
I didn't want him to be alone anymore.
Whilst kissing me he turned me around and walked me back until my legs rested against the side of my bed. Then he pushed me back and I had hardly hit the duvet before he was on top of me.
He just looked at me for a moment with those eyes full of tentative love, and whispered into the dark.
'I love you.'
He then leant down and began to kiss my body again, each kiss a little bit harder than the last. I lay there, torn between letting him do this and stopping him.
'I love you, I love you, I love you.' he whispered over and over, as if admitting his feelings to all the people he'd rejected just to spite his own feelings. He then took off his T-shirt to reveal a pale torso almost as skinny as mine and leant down to kiss me.
His body felt cold and alien against mine, not warm and safe like Julian's. Fear began to creep back into my mind, slightly drowning out the war going on in my heart.
What was going to happen? Why wasn't I stopping him?
Then Jay's hand moved slowly down to my towel and dragged it off me. Naked and exposed, fear then woke up my body again. As usual, my first reaction was to cry. Silent tears began to stream down my face.
Jay's face, looming over mine, looked worried and confused. He was scared, just like me.
Then I managed to find my voice again, more useful than my body trapped between his legs.
'Please don't... please...' I begged, almost incoherently, for him to stop. However much I didn't want him to suffer the rejection, I couldn't sacrifice myself for his sake.
I'd rather die than cheat on Julian.
Jay gasped slightly, as if only just realizing his actions. Many different emotions flickered across his face, reflecting his own internal battle against his feelings. Sadness, self-hatred, guilt and, what I feared most, rejection.
He suddenly raised his hand and I closed my eyes, wincing in preparation for his strike. Instead, I felt his hand start to caress the contours of my face.
My forehead, my eye-lids, my nose, my mouth, my cheek...
I turned my face away, wanting him to stop despite how many shivers his warm touch sent down my spine.
His hand cringed away from my face, like my skin had burnt it, and he got off the bed hurriedly.
I only opened my eyes after I heard him practically run across the room and slam the door behind him. I curled up on the bed, naked and shivering.
I didn't move for a long time, silent tears still streaming down my face.
The thing that scared me the most, hurt me the most, was that part of me...
Didn't want him to stop.
♠ ♠ ♠
...