Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

Thursday 1st April

1pm

So far I've stayed in my room all day.

Jay left a few hours ago, but I don't want to venture out to check. The last time I thought he'd gone turned into a disaster.

If only I'd remembered my clothes it probably wouldn't have happened. If only I'd stopped him earlier so it didn't get that far.

But there's no use just thinking 'If only...' all the time.

Why didn't I stop him as soon as he approached me? Something made me hold back.

That little part of me that wanted to hold back, to let him do what he wanted with me.

I detest that part of me. That selfish, lusting, ugly little part of me. I can't believe I didn't reject him right away. It would have hurt him a hell of a lot less than rejecting him after he'd kissed me, touched me...

I'm just selfish. Insensitive. Despicable.

What will this mean for me and Julian? I don't deserve him for what I've done. I can't lie to him, though, otherwise whenever I would be with him it wouldn't feel right. I'd feel tainted by that lie.

I'll have to tell him and see how he reacts. I think it would be best if he got rid of me, forgot about me completely. If he still wants me though, I don't think I could break it myself.

Whatever I do about it, I'll always feel tainted by what I did, what I didn't do, and what I felt.

But I don't want to leave Julian, I need him too much.

I'm too selfish, too selfish!

Selfish, selfish, selfish bastard!

I disgust myself. Why would anyone want to be with me?

I can't even begin to comprehend what will happen with Jay. I have to stay away from him, that's for sure. I can't let him start anything again, I don't trust myself to say no anymore after what happened last night.

I can still remember the feel of his lips against my skin, the image of his pale, perfect face looming above mine with darkness surrounding it. The memories still send shivers down my spine.

I think I have feelings for Jay.

Is it possible to have feelings for more than one person?

If so, I think I've managed it.

How could a guy I've only known for a few days completely sweep me away like this? Why can't I just love Julian? Why do I always have to make things complicated for myself?

Oh, great. The door bell is ringing. Hopefully they'll go away after a while. I don't want to answer the door right now.

1.10pm

Still ringing...

1.20pm

They're persistent, aren't they?

2.30pm

I finally answered the door at 1.25pm. It was Ben.

He was obviously worried about me, due to the sheer amount of doorbell ringing. I let him in even though I didn't want to talk to anyone and he asked me if anything had happened between me and Jay.

When I asked why he was asking this he said 'Jay has been acting very strangely today. He won't talk to anyone and he looks very upset.'

Ben looked genuinely worried about his friend, so I told him briefly about what happened. I missed out most of the details, I found it hard enough to write them down here.

Ben simply sat and nodded as I told him, his deep, serious eyes focused on the ground.

'That would explain it.' was all he said after I finished my account of what happened. He said nothing for a few minutes, thinking. I sat awkwardly, shuffling my feet on the carpet. I wanted him to speak, to break the silence. Finally he spoke.

'Well, I know how Jay feels about you, but... how do you feel about him?' I jerked my head up at his question, accidently meeting his intense gaze. He wasn't being nosy, he just wanted to sort everything out.

That was Ben. Peace keeper, problem solver. The one with his feet firm on the ground, keeping a steady hold on all his friends who were floating away.

I still didn't want to answer his question, though. It felt like if I put my feelings into words I could never take them back. It would be official and I did not want that. I said nothing, even though my thoughts were taunting me with the answer.

I liked him more than I thought was even possible.

And it was killing me.

Ben simply nodded.

'If you don't want to answer, that's okay. I think I should be leaving anyway...' he got up and I made no move to stop him. I think he sensed that I wanted to be alone with my thoughts.

Do I want to be alone with my thoughts anymore?

I'm scared of what I might think.

After Ben left I evacuated to my room again. I didn't go near the bed. It smelt of him.

Everything did. I remembered the way he smelt so clearly - like lime shower-gel, but with his own faint scent beneath it.

Oh great, I'm thinking about him again. I really shouldn't be left with my thoughts.

I wish I was with Julian. With him everything is so simple. To love and be loved.

Not all this insanity.

Problem is, part of me likes the insanity that Jay causes whenever I see him, think about him.

I hate that part of me.