Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

Friday 2nd April

2pm

Nothing happening.

No books left.

Surfing the web for stuff to do.

Ignoring e-mails.

When can I go home again?

6.30pm

Had dinner with Vanessa and Dad who were both home early from work. Jay wasn't home and it made me feel relieved. I don't think I could handle seeing him right now. I see him in my mind too much anyway.

Vanessa asked me if anything was wrong and I just said that I was feeling ill.

Maybe I could fake feeling really awful and go home early?

Saturday 3rd April

3pm

I've only just woken up. I think my body has sensed that I don't want to be awake much right now, so it's eating up more time so I don't have to spend it being bored.

What a thoughtful body I have.

I'm re-reading books now, I'm that bored.

I still can't bring myself to check my e-mails. I don't want to think about Julian right now, let alone write to him. What would I say? I nearly got raped by my step-brother to be?

I don't think so.

Jay has completely ruined my chances of having a good trip. I'm too afraid to leave my room most of the time just in case I bump into him. I haven't had a shower since that time and I miss them.

I'll have one tomorrow.

Sunday 4th April

9am

Okay, I can't take it anymore. I feel so unclean, I really need a shower.

I'll be back to my sanctuary soon...

10.30am

Why didn't I realize it was a Sunday? Why didn't I realize that Jay wasn't working today?

I saw him and at the worst possible time.

It wasn't my fault that he didn't lock the bathroom door.

The tables turned and I saw him in just a towel.

I can't say that my body didn't enjoy it, even though my mind was screaming at me to run away.

We just stood, staring at each other, for about half a minute. Then Jay opened his mouth to speak but I cut over him, mumbling an apology. Then I practically ran out of the door, leaving him speechless. The image of his helpless face was imprinted into my mind.

I waited until I was sure he was in his room before making a dash for the bathroom.

I'm such an idiot!

But I can't help but wonder... what was he going to say?

'I'm sorry'?

'It was all a misunderstanding'?

'I... love you'?

This just made me remember what he told me that night, 'I love you.' The way he repeated it over and over, each time uttering those simple words to me.

Whether he meant it or not, my reaction to even the memory is pretty violent.

2pm

Is avoiding him really the best thing to do?

He wanted to say something to me, so maybe I should hear him out. I hope he rejects me, just like he rejected all the others. I can't take it anymore.

I don't know what I would do if he told me he wanted me. That's what makes me scared, whether I'd hold back or not.

Either way, avoiding him is just cowardly (says the coward doing all the avoiding, I know. I've just had a change of heart.)

I will talk it out with him, that's the only way...

2.30pm

I talked to him.

I knocked on his bedroom door before entering and heard a quiet 'come in.'

Jay's room was a dark, mysterious paradise. The black curtains shunned the bright day outside, leaving the room to the mercy of the dim lamp on his bedside table. His bed was a very modern, monochrome double with a silver frame and black duvet. His wardrobe, desk and bedside table were all a dark mahogany color and most of one wall was taken up by a big flat-screen T.V. Opposite the T.V. there was a black, leather sofa which Jay himself was sitting on

He was looking at me, staring at me with those brown eyes.

I saw myself in the full-length mirror opposite to where I was standing at the doorway. I looked awestruck and intimidated. I rearranged my features to look calm(ish) and cleared my throat.

'You were going to say something... back then.' I began, nearly whispering the words.

Jay nodded to show he knew what I meant. His stare was unnerving and distracting. I looked at the ground to avoid his gaze. 'So...um...' I trailed off, feeling increasingly stupid with each passing moment.

'You want to hear what I was going to say?' Jay interjected quietly, the softness of his voice making me jump. I managed to nod.

'Why don't you sit down first?' he asked and I looked around the room. There were two places to sit: on the sofa next to him or his bed. I was comfortable with neither.

Jay noticed my hesitation so he got up. 'It's okay, I'll move.' he said, sitting down on the bed, behind the sofa. I sat on the sofa, aware and anxious of the fact that Jay was sitting close behind me. I didn't like not being able to see him. It made me feel vulnerable.

'Firstly I was going to apologize.' he began in a quiet voice. I wasn't used to this calm, low voice of his - I was used to him shouting, sounding frustrated.

Or whispering 'I love you' into my ear...

'For how I've acted towards you and... what happened then.' he cleared his throat, not wishing to elaborate on "what happened then." He didn't need to because I knew perfectly well what he meant. I said nothing but shuffled uncomfortably. He carried on.

'I also want to say that, even though what I did was wrong, I still meant everything I said and how I acted. I wasn't messing around with you - I truly feel this way about you, Simon.'

His words made my heart pound and my palms sweaty. How I wished he was messing me around. It would have made things a lot easier. Then I could have just forgotten about him and moved on. To know that his 'I love you's were true made it harder to get them out of my heart. It would be near impossible to forget him now.

'You may not feel the same way, Simon, but I don't want to give up on my feelings. I refuse to give up on you.' I hadn't realized he had gotten up until his hand was resting on my shoulder. I didn't freeze this time. I jumped up and turned around to face him, fear evident on my face. The fear dissipated when I saw his expression.

He looked hurt.

'You're... afraid of me?' he half-whispered. I shook my head, wanting him to understand my situation. I wasn't afraid of him, I was afraid of myself, of my reaction to a simple touch of his, of what I might do.

'Then why do shy away from me?' he wasn't convinced. I felt determined to convince him that I wasn't afraid of him.

'Let's sit down.' I mumbled and sat on the sofa. Jay sat the other side, leaving as much space between us as possible. He moved slowly and fluidly, afraid of scaring me away again. 'See? I'm not afraid of you.' I said more confidently. It was true - on the contrary I was resisting the urge to throw myself at him.

I managed to resist by chanting Julian's name in my head. Julian, Julian, Julian.

'Okay then.' he said cautiously.

Seconds passed in an awkward silence. Then both of us started to speak at the same time but ended up each pausing for the other to speak, staring at each other. I couldn't look away from him, from his beautiful face.

Once again, resisting him was making me die slowly inside.

'Simon...' Jay trailed off, his eyes shimmering. He leaned towards me and this time I didn't shy away.

I kissed him before he could kiss me.