Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

I don't know who was more shocked - me or Jay.

Our lips stayed together for a few moments, neither of us moving. Jay was about to react, to return the kiss, to trap me in it, when I managed to break away. My mind finally caught up with what my body was doing.

What the hell was it doing anyway?

I should die a slow, painful death for what I've just done. One including a screwdriver and a giant blender so it's even more excruciating.

I feel really annoyed at myself now. Well, most of me does. That little part of me that wants to be with Jay is now doing a victory dance and drinking champagne.

After I broke away I got up and exited the room at a speed I didn't even know I was capable of. Jay just sat there, not moving.

I have to get away from here.

From him.

I have to see Julian again, see him in the flesh, inhale his sweet smell, remind myself just how much I love him.

I have to get away from here.

8pm

I told Vanessa that I felt really ill and that I wanted to go home. I wasn't even letting myself hope for a positive answer, because of my pathetic acting skills, but obviously Vanessa took pity on me for some reason. Just like the secretary at school did that time.

Maybe I do look ill, even though all I am is sick in the head.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning. Then I can try to forget that this whole thing happened.

Monday 5th April

7am

I have to get up this early for the train. I can barely even open my eyes.

It's a good thing I packed all my things last night because otherwise I would probably leave most of my stuff behind and come home with random things from the apartment instead.

I'm seeing Julian in a few hours! My whole body is yearning for his.

I'm going to knock on his door with my suitcase in hand because I plan to go straight to his house once I get back. Vanessa is kindly providing me with taxi money, seeming as if I told my mum I was going home early she wouldn't let me. Vanessa is just too nice for words, I wish I didn't have to leave her like this.

I don't want to leave dad either, even though I've hardly seen him so far. I feel dissapointed that I'm missing a chance of forming a bond, even if only a fragile one, with him.

However, the desire to see Julian overpowers all my misgivings about leaving. Also, the desire to get some distance between Jay and myself also helps.

I need to go now. I will write more on the train...

9.30am

I'm crying on the train. Everybody who can see me is staring, but I don't care anymore. There's no emotion on my face except for the tears flowing down it.

Jay was at the train station, waiting for me.

Vanessa wasn't with me at this point because we said goodbye just outside of the station. Vanessa needed to get to work.

He was sitting on one of the benches right opposite where my train was waiting. Either Vanessa told him I was leaving, or he overheard our conversation. At the time I wasn't really thinking how he knew I was leaving.

He spotted me walking to the train, my head deliberately facing away from him, and I heard him call out my name. I walked as quickly as my heavy suitcase would allow me but soon he was by my side.

He grabbed my arm, causing me to drop my suitcase. The loud crashing noise it made on the floor made everyone stop and look at us.

'Please Simon, don't leave. We can make this work.' he begged, still gripping my arm tightly. I shook my head.

'It can't work Jay. Julian-'

'I don't care about Julian! Nobody can love you as much as I do!' his words were said quietly but had a lot of force behind them. 'Stay with me and I'll show you how much I love you...' he trailed off, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. I had never been able to imagine Jay crying until then, seeing the evidence for myself.

Only then did I notice that I was crying too.

Jay turned my face towards his, forcing me to look at his breath-taking face full on. 'Please stay with me. I need you.' He whispered so only I could hear his words, one tear escaping from his eyes.

At that moment it felt like the turning point to me. I had to make a choice:

Julian or Jay.

I could either push Jay away and get on the train or give in to temptation and stay with Jay, missing my train.

I prised Jay's hands away from my face, focusing on the ground.

Then I walked away.

I had made my choice.