Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

23

10am

The tears have dried up but I'm still far from calm.

What if I've made the wrong decision? What am I going to tell Julian? How will he react? Will Jay accept my decision or not? What is Jay to me? What is Julian to me?

I just need to see Julian again, to be in his arms.

Then I'll be able to think clearly, my mind unclouded by the overwhelming, obsessive, illogical thoughts induced when I'm around Jay.

I think I've done the right thing. I hope I've done the right thing.

With Jay everything happened so fast I didn't even have time to think rationally about it. I need to be with Julian to sort out the differing thoughts in my head.

I know it's selfish but I need to give my relationship with Julian one more chance. I know I don't deserve him for what I did, but I'm too selfish to do the right thing and let him go.

I love him too much.

With Jay, I didn't want to risk it. I've only known him for a few days and I hardly know anything about him. Now that I think about it rationally, I know that I don't love Jay.

My feelings for him weren't love, they were infatuation with a bit of compassion and pity thrown into the mix. I was flattered by his feelings and I got overwhelmed.

Then I did a terrible thing by giving into temptation and giving him the slightest indication that I loved him back by not rejecting him straightaway. I should have said no at the start. It would have been less cruel than leading him on like I did. Now I've managed to cheat on Julian and wound Jay's fragile heart even further.

I'm a monster in human skin.

Jay didn't really love me either, now that I think about it. He was just lonely and desperate, after years of pushing people away, to find somebody to lose himself in and release all those feelings that he had locked away. I was just there at the time. He could have become infatuated with anyone, it just happened to be me.

I can't kid myself into thinking that he loved me. I can't kid myself that a relationship between us would work.This isn't some fantasy story where the impossible becomes possible. Fantasies don't come true in real life - eventually the foundations would crumble from under our feet and we'd both end up falling into harsh reality. It just wouldn't work.

I have to stay in reality.

I know that, despite what I felt for Jay, I love Julian. Julian has also made it clear that he loves me. Our relationship has a chance and I'm not going to risk losing him. He makes me feel safe, whereas I feel anything but safe around Jay.

I was infatuated with Jay but I love Julian. I can't let a love like that go to waste. If Julian gives me a chance, I want to stay with him.

Jay is a fantasy but Julian is my reality.

I think I've made the right choice.

I think...

9pm

I'm home. Mum didn't look shocked when she saw me, just a bit pissed off. Obviously she had been tipped off that I was coming home.

As soon as the taxi dropped me off I was banging on Julian's door.

The door opened and I prayed that it would be Julian.

It was.

As soon as he saw me his face lit up and he launched himself at me, making me think he was about to tackle me. Instead he hugged me so tightly that I was lifted off the ground.

'Whoa, whoa... Julian... I can't breathe...' I gasped and Julian loosened his grip but wouldn't let me go.

'Simon! I was so worried! You didn't e-mail back and I thought... I thought...' he trailed off and looked at me. Then he kissed me without hesitation and my heart skipped five beats.

I really wanted to kiss him back but my conscience, reminding me of what I had to tell him, held me back.

I held his face in both hands and pulled away. He frowned, confused. I took a deep breath, trying to find the right words.

'Julian, I need to talk about something.' I said, not being able to stop the sad note from creeping into my voice. I could be ruining our whole relationship, but I had to tell him. Julian's eyes widened and he looked serious.

'Let's go into my room.' he said, taking my hand. His hand was warm and made me feel more calm until we were in his room and he let go.

I didn't speak at first but looked around Julian's room instead. Nothing had changed.

His sea blue walls and cream carpet. The small T.V. on his old desk with games consoles attached. His single bed, also blue, with the mattress that moulded around you when you sat on it. The acoustic guitar sitting on its stand. The band posters, the chest of drawers. A picture of him, Clara and I taken on the beach last summer on his bedside table.

Then I looked at Julian, who was already looking at me in anticipation. I took another deep breath.

'I'm sorry.' was the first thing to slip out of my mouth. Then I told him everything. How Jay first acted towards me, what Ben told me, how Jay changed, what he did, how I kissed him, what happened at the station, my feelings, everything. Julian just stood there silently, taking in every word as I said it. Then he sat on the bed and patted the space next to it. I sat down nervously, not taking my eyes off his face.

'I'm sorry.' I said again, knowing that my apologies wouldn't change anything.

He thought for what felt like hours and eventually he spoke.

'I'm not mad at you for what happened.' he said slowly and quietly. 'I understand that you got caught up in the moment and that it's hard to reject someone.' I couldn't stay quiet anymore.

'If you don't want to stay with me, then I'll completely understand.' I said hurriedly, the words almost tripping over eachother. 'I know that I don't deserve you and I think you'd be better off-'

Julian was kissing me again, with even more passion that the kiss before. This time I kissed him back, not letting myself break away. He broke away after a few minutes.

'You more than deserve me, Simon, I'm already yours. There's no way that I could leave you because it would be impossible. I love you and that will not change.' He said those words whilst looking right into my eyes so I knew they were true.

Julian still wanted me. He still loved me.

Everything was going to be alright.

'I love you too.' I said back to him, knowing that was exactly how I felt. No doubts, no uncertainty. I loved him and he loved me.

Julian was smiling like a cheshire cat at my words.

'That's the first time you've told me.' he said, still grinning, and I realised that it was. That made me smile too and we both laughed, even though it wasn't even funny, we were just so happy.

I made the right choice.
♠ ♠ ♠
Although this seems like an ending, it is not!!

I had to write that chapter out so many times before getting it right, my hands hurt :P