Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

1pm

Just phoned Julian and forced him to come over in a while.

Although, to be honest, he didn't need much forcing.

2.30pm

I'm staying in my room until Julian arrives because mum is being an utter fool.

It's sickening.

She's singing constantly, which only happens when she's happy.

She's also cleaning, which is another rare thing.

Also, she keeps on asking me what she should wear and my opinion on things.

So what, now that I'm gay I've gained fashion knowledge?

I don't understand my mother.

3pm

Julian's here!

10pm

Oh good god.

I've done many embarassing things in my life time, but this one just takes the biscuit.

Julian came over and we were just playing video games most of the time, just like when we were friends.

Then we ate some strange pasta-like meal I had made and after that things were more like we are now, and not just friendly.

I was loading up the dish washer when Julian came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my stomach. I jumped but he didn't let go and instead started to kiss my neck.

It took all of my self restraint to push him off.

'My sister or my mother could walk in and catch us, you know.' I said, embarrassed and a bit angry at the same time. I really didn't want them to know how things were with Julian.

My mum would freak.

My sister wouldn't understand.

She's only young.

I wasn't ready to deal with that.

'Okay,' he replied, 'let's compromise and go up to your room.'

Sex crossed my mind and I could feel myself blushing. Julian noticed this and smiled.

'You don't need to be embarrassed around me.' he said quietly and took my hand, leading me like I was a blind man to my room.

I noticed the time was 6.15pm and that mum's boyfriend was arriving at 6.30.

At the time I was too turned on to care.

Once the door to my room was closed Julian enfolded me in his arms and looked at me for the longest time, eye to eye.

At first I waited for him to kiss me, but he didn't make a move. He seemed to be deep in thought.

So, for the first time, I kissed him instead.

He kissed me back, all thoughts seemed to have been forgotten.

I wasn't thinking either, just feeling him there.

I slipped my hands around his neck and my tongue into his mouth.

I might have still been blushing, but at that point I didn't even care anymore.

After a few minutes of standing there, getting lost in that kiss, Julian lifted up both of my legs so that they were around his waist, and he walked me over to the bed.

He carried on kissing me the whole way.

Then he lay me down on the bed gently, so I was sitting, and then stopped. He was looking at me again, as if on the verge of saying something important.

'Simon...' he began and this time I wasn't impatient.

I wanted to hear what he had to say.

He knelt down on the floor between my legs so that I was looking down at him.

All sounds drowned out except for that of his voice.

I'd never seen such a serious look on his face.

'Simon, I love you' he said and smiled at me.

I should have said it back, I should have done something, but instead I did nothing.

You want to know why?

Because he was there. In my head.

Those words that Julian had said so softly, so meaningfully, only reminded me of when he told me the same words, but full of passion, confusion and hatred.

Jay.

After a few seconds passed of my silence, Julian went into worry mode, but this time instead of with actions he used words.

'But, it's okay if you don't want to say it back because, that was sudden, and early and maybe I shouldn't have said that...' he bit his lip and looked at the ground. He was dissapointed and regretting it, I could see.

I leant forward and tilted up his face to meet mine in a kiss.

I did want to say I loved him, but it wouldn't have felt right if I did.

Also, when I pictured Jay it put me off saying it.

It was too soon after rejecting Jay to say I loved anyone.

Especially Julian, he means too much to me to say I love him falsely.

I will have to wait until I don't think about Jay anymore so I'll really mean it.

The kiss probably would have led onto other things except for when I heard an embarrassed cough at my door.

I jerked my eyes open and pulled away in shock, as if Julian was electrocuting me.

Julian turned around all too slowly and also pulled away, although not as desperately.

My mother was standing in the doorway with some man.

He looked young at first glance, his brown hair thick and tousled and his eyes vibrant, but at a closer look you could see the hints of age. The crow's feet crinkling his eyes in an affectionate way. His skin not as smooth as it should have been.

Who the heck is he? I thought, but then it clicked.

It was my mother's boyfriend.

I had most possibly made the worst impression ever known.

'Simon...' my mother said emptily, regaining the power of speech, 'this is Rick.'

'Hi.' the man smiled and gave a small, embarrassed wave of his hand. He didn't seem to shocked by the situation even though he had just walked in on two guys doing stuff two guys really shouldn't be doing.

'Erm...' my mother tried to grasp the right words, her brain fogged by the shock, 'We'll just be downstairs. Come down... when you're ready.' Her cheeks were tinged pink, she was mortified by what had just happened. She was probably worrying about what Rick thought of me, of Julian.

Rick didn't seem too bothered as he was ushered out of the doorway by mum.

The door closed hurriedly, leaving me and Julian alone again.

Neither of us spoke for a long time.

Julian was looking anxiously at me, it registered somewhere in my mind that I must have looked just as mortified as my mother.

I was mortified.

I felt like crawling into a small space and dying.

With the opening of that door the outside world was able to look in onto my sickness.

Of something I didn't want it to see.

It felt like everyone, everything knew with the opening of that door that I was gay.

I felt exposed and vulnerable.

'Simon... it'll be okay.' Julian whispered. 'They were going to find out eventually. The shock will wear off.'

I could see him hesitating, not knowing whether to even touch me.

I didn't want to be touched by anyone.

I stood up and walked away, out of my room.

I chose the smallest room in the house, the bathroom, and locked myself inside.

Sitting on the side of the bath, I let myself cry.

Crying seemed like an involuntary action to everything for me.

I don't know why it effected me so much, two people knowing that I was with Julian.

I was already out of the closet with my mum.

Why did it bother me so much?

Because I'm not completely comfortable with this myself.

Being gay.

It isn't what I would have chosen.

Liking girls would have made things so much easier.

Not so much secrecy, so much doubt.

Even though my mother, my friends and pretty much the whole school know about my being gay, I don't want their suspicions to be so easily confirmed.

I want a say in this.

Even though it's already out of control.

Everything is going so quickly, I've hardly had time to get used to the idea myself.

Locked in the bathroom, I thought over everything. About my sexuality, about my family, about Julian.

Tell a lie about everything.

I didn't want to think about Jay.

After that, the tears dried up and I calmed down.

I noticed the clock on the bathroom wall. I'd been in there for twenty minutes.

I opened the door slowly to see Julian leaning on the wall opposite.

He had waited for me.

'You didn't have to wait...' I started but Julian shook his head.

'I wanted to wait.'

He stroked one hand across my shoulder, such a small gesture with so much behind it.

He did nothing else, just content with one touch.

I sighed.

'Am I ever going to get used to this?' I asked thin air.

'It gets easier.' Julian supplied, and I suppose he must have gotten used to it.

It must have been harder for him, being in love with his best friend.

The words made me feel weird when I thought them.

He had chosen me of all people.

I felt like the luckiest person in the world.

Julian loved me.

'We can't keep your mother waiting, you know.' Julian gestured to the door to the kitchen. 'Don't you want to talk to her boyfriend?'

I felt a sense of dread, but then I remembered Julian's warm touch on my shoulder.

I took a deep breath.

'Okay.' I said and walked forward, to the door.

Julian was right behind me.