Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

10.30pm

The rest of the night went without a hitch.

As I entered the room, Julian close behind me, my mother stopped talking to Rick and looked at me, apprehension hidden badly on her face, but then Rick picked up the conversation again, acting as if there was nothing to be embarrassed about.

Either he was the thickest-skinned person I have ever met, or he knows a lot about easing tension.

Either way, I was thankful he was himself, and not some homophobic, nerdy accountant that I had a picture of in my head.

Throughout dinner I mostly stayed quiet, unless Rick asked me a direct question.

Mum was quieter than usual, still looking slightly apprehensive even though she could see clearly that Rick was fine with me and Julian.

Mostly Julian and Rick talked animatedly, so there were no awkward silences.

On the plus side, at least the food was nice.

When the flow of conversation moved on to family, I found out why Rick was so neutral to the whole gay situation.

'Well, my parents live in southern Spain now, and have since their retirement, but I still have a brother in England, Jeff. He lives in Devon with his partner, Andy.'

His brother was gay... obviously this wasn't a shock to him anymore.

The more I found out about Rick, the more I liked him and respected him.

He was divorced, but he still supported his family and saw his children.

He wasn't homophobic at all.

He was nothing like my father.

To think I made such a huge deal out of nothing like that.

Twenty minutes in the bathroom?

What is wrong with me?

When Rick left, he patted me on the shoulder, showing that he wasn't afraid of me or angry at me at all.

My mum gave a long sigh when he left, as if letting out a breath she had been holding all evening.

Julian smiled at me.

Rick had definitely passed my test, whatever it was.

Julian left soon afterwards and at the door... to top off the accepting atmosphere of the night...

He kissed me on the cheek.

In front of my mother.

That is why I'm hiding in my room right now.

Mum was speechless even after he left, and I used that as my cue to get out of her way.

She isn't against this (I hope), but I don't think she can take that much in one night...

I'm sure she'll be fine in the morning.

A week or so ago I would have been mad at Julian for doing that.

Now I'm too happy for what he's done for me tonight. Making me realise that this isn't a disease...

It's a part of me.

Wednesday 7th April

6am

Life is on the up.

Don't ask me why I'm awake at this time.

I feel like I've just jinxed myself with the first line in this entry...

11.30am

Now this is a more sociable time for me.

Don't really know what I'm doing today...

I might just turn up at Julian's house unexpectedly.

Doorbell?

What fresh hell?

3pm

The fresh hell was Clara.

I haven't seen her in such a long time!

Or what feels like a long time...

As soon as I opened the door she gave me a bone-crushing hug, all honey-hair and pale skin leaping towards me in a graceful blur.

Mostly we just chatted, Clara about her holiday in Greece, and mine about London.

On my part there wasn't really much to tell, because as soon as I thought about London an image of Jay covered my mind and I couldn't reach under and get the words I needed.

Clara's story about Greece was far more interesting.

Clara can make everything sound interesting, whereas I just mumble and stutter most of the time.

Maybe I should give up the pen and let Clara take over my diary instead, like a personal secretary.

Thinking about all the entries about Jay in here, maybe not...

Everything that nearly happened with him feels like events from a different version of my life, and I don't want to drag that into the life I'm comfortably living now.

In other words, I'm not talking about it anymore.

I've told Julian, so that should be enough.

I don't want to have to talk about the situation with Jay anymore.

I just need to forget that it ever happened.

Now, seeming as there's nothing I'd rather do, I'm going over to Julian's house.

He won't mind if I invite myself in, seeming as it's been the normal thing for years...

3.15pm

Sitting on Julian's bed, studying myself in the mirror opposite.

I've changed a lot since London, that's for sure.

My hair's not styled anymore, but I had it cut in a certain way that suits me better.

It's still as straight as it ever was, but now it flicks across my forehead and looks a lot less unkempt than it used to.

My eyes, still green shockingly, are less paranoid looking and I can focus them on my reflection without wanting to look away.

I guess I'm not as skeptical about myself as I used to be.

My clothes are different now.

I'm wearing a dark purple t-shirt and black jeans.

They suit me a lot more than my old clothes did.

Perhaps it's the clothes, perhaps it's just the way I wear them now.

Getting bored of looking at myself, my eyes flicker across the room.

They rest on Julian's black acoustic guitar, reflecting the soft lights of his bedroom ceiling.

I remember him trying, and failing, to teach me a simple riff.

Just goes to show how little rhythm I have.

I should probably put away my diary now... I can hear Julian thudding up the stairs.

7pm

I'm home much earlier than I expected to be.

Why do I have to screw up everything as soon as life's going well?

(So I did jinx myself.)

I decided to try and learn the guitar riff again, wanting to prove to myself that I had the least bit of musical talent.

Julian was teaching me, placing each finger on the right fret.

Soon my mind wondered, my eyes focusing on his face and forgetting that i was even holding the guitar.

'Woah... you've got to hold the guitar, Simon...'

I was kissing him.

The guitar did drop to the floor, a mish-mash sound of wood hitting carpet and strings reverberating.

I really don't have any control around Julian.

Funny to think that we used to be just friends, it sure doesn't feel like it now.

So the situation shifted again, from innocent friends to lovers.

I can't really remember what was happening, my mind was filled with lust and longing.

Hot breath.

Lips, face, neck.

Eyes closed.

I muttered things, not listening to myself...

Then suddenly Julian's warm presence was gone, stolen away and replaced by the, seemingly cold in comparison, thin air of the room.

I opened my eyes, confused and still longing for him.

He was frowning at me, clearly hurt.

Then I thought back... to what I had said...

'Jay.'

Jay?

I said his name!

I had told myself not to think about him anymore and then I said his name!

I opened my mouth to say something, but no words came out.

There was nothing I could say to take back the word I had already uttered.

'Jay.'

Julian didn't say anything either, he simply picked up the guitar on the floor and started strumming something I didn't recognize.

Neither of us said anything, just listening to the strumming pattern over and over...

Eventually I got up and headed slowly towards the door.

He didn't stop me.

I shut the door behind me and sloped down the stairs and walked slowly all the way home, as if wading through water.

It hadn't quite sunken in, what I had just said.

'Jay.'

Jay.

Whispering in my ear.

Jay.

His face above mine, eyes staring into mine.

Jay.

Why can't I just forget him?