Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

Thursday 8th April

11am

His presence tumbling through my mind, clinging on to every crevice, refusing to let me clear my conscience of him.

His arrogant beauty full on, unwanted yet wanted too much.

My own mind confuses me.

Everything was going so well with Julian and then Jay had to stick a foot in it and mess everything up.

Jay?

Who am I kidding? He didn't do anything.

I spoke his name of free will and free will alone. Although it would be so easy to blame him, I refuse to. The only person to blame here is myself.

One mistake, one small utterance, was enough to ruin everything.

Something so cliche, calling out somebody else's name. Something so cliche that it hurts all the more when it happens to you.

Obviously I haven't made my decision at all.

My feelings for Jay were just hiding away in some distant unused corner of my mind, ready to resurface as soon as I let my guard down. Lulling me into a false sense of security, like a predator, silent and unmoving until it was ready to strike.

It has already struck, and I feel powerless against it.

I wonder if Julian will want me back after this. I wouldn't want myself back after doing something so loathesome. I really don't deserve him, that was the only thing he was wrong about.

But, dependent as I am on him, I'm just going to have to wait to see if he'll take me back. I don't care if I have to kneel down and beg, I don't want him to leave me. I don't want to be without him. I would be losing a boyfriend and a best friend if he did.

But I won't approach him myself, I'm too scared to. If he doesn't want me anymore... I don't want to find out now. I wouldn't be prepared for it, not at all.

I will wait for him as long as it takes, for the chance that he'll still want me.

Meanwhile, I may as well attempt some of the homework that has been laying dejectedly on my desk ever since the holidays started.

2pm

I completely give up.

Science projects do not interest me in the slightest, and I can't write anything down because I'm shaking so much.

I can't do anything for thinking about Julian.

I guess I'm just going to have to distract myself with much simpler, more mind numbing methods.

To the television!

3pm

I've just realised that I've been staring at the screen in a daze and not actually watching anything.

I only realised that when my sister walked in the room and asked me why I was watching a Barbie movie.

She then insisted on watching it with me and now I'm probably going to have mental scarring for life.

3.30pm

My sister has just asked me if I wanted to play Barbies with her .

I need to get out of this house.

4.15pm

At the beach, in the usual spot.

My spot is next to a small, grassy bank which is overgrown and completely hides me from everyone.

I usually just look out into the sea and think or write.

I keep on imagining Julian's hand resting on my shoulder, keep on hearing the low growl of his bike coming closer.

Yet he never comes.

I don't think I've ever felt so alone.

I never really noticed how much he cared about me, how much he did for me, until now.

I miss him.

I guess that the proper thing would be to go to his house and apologize, but I don't even want to face up to him right now.

I don't want him to reject me.

I don't want to be alone.

I'd rather wait for him to come to me.

At least this gives me some time to delude myself into thinking he still wants me.

7pm

I had said to myself to wait for him, didn't I?

I wish I listened to myself.

I'm sitting on Julian's doorstep, bathed in the dim glow of his porch light.

Nobody's home, so I'm waiting for him.

I stayed at the beach for a while, but left when I saw a couple walking along the beach hand in hand.

The girl was talking animatedly to the silent guy, who had a bemused yet loving smile on his face. She was almost dragging him along, her eagerness of conversation shining through her eyes and making her feet dance across the sand. I could see the love clearly in their faces and body language.

The ache caused inside of me, from seeing this, was too much.

I want that.

I want to be able to walk along the beach hand in hand with Julian, even though most people wouldn't want to see it.

Even though me and Julian might not even be together anymore.

So here I am, slumped pathetically on his doorstep.

Oh, the pathetic fallacy.

It's drizzling.

I feel very pathetic, sitting here.

I should probably close the diary, the page edges are curling and the ink is slowly beginning to run like tears down the page.

8.30pm

The rain has stopped, but I'm still here, soaked to the skin and shivering.

The cold isn't properly hitting me, I feel numb to it all, as if in a drunken haze.

I remember the first time I got drunk.

Julian and I were 13 and we'd raided Julian's step-dad's spirits cupboard.

We wanted to know what it was like, wanted to experiment.

We filled about a quarter of two glasses with something strong, I recall it being vodka, and then topped it up with lemonade.

Then we crept up to Julian's room and drank it all.

I liked the feeling of drunkenness, everything slightly blurred, yet all the senses more acute.

I was watching myself from the sidelines of my mind, seeing myself do things but not quite feeling them.

I remember the taste of the drink, sweet with a bitter twang, and the slight burning on the throat.

Closing your eyes and feeling the world spinning.

All sense ebbing out, feeling sleepy and relaxed.

I remember, before drifting off to sleep, Julian's face over mine, his eyes blurred and shimmering.

'Light-weight' I heard him chuckle before I was lost to the world.

Everything after that was a complete blur, seconds of half-consciousness merged within each other and muddled.

I remember waking at one point to a flood of light at Julian's door, part of it obscured by the silhouette of a man.

Julian's step dad.

Then the light fading behind the closed door, and hoarse heavy breathing.

Julian's gasps beside me.

A cry, weeping.

Then unconsciousness again...

The cry still rings in my ears, and troubles me to this day.

But I haven't dared ask Julian about it.

His step-dad left last year.

It's always been a touchy subject, and I don't want to bring it up.

I wouldn't know what to say anyway.

It's getting late now, Julian's probably out somewhere for the night.

I may as well go home...

11pm

It seems that once you stop looking for someone, you find them.

I found Julian just as I was about to leave...