Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

11pm

It seems that once you stop looking for someone, you find them.

I found Julian just as I was about to leave...

In fact, not only did I find him, I crashed into him as I was hurrying away, eyes too busy shifting from right to left to notice what was right in front of me.

Julian obviously hadn't noticed me in the dark, so the collision occurred.

'Woah-'

'Sorry-'

'Julian, I-'

'Simon? What-'

After all those exclamations both of us fell silent, for the first time around each other feeling awkward and embarrassed.

Well, I felt awkward and embarrassed at least, but for me that's no sudden change.

For Julian, it was unnatural to the point of impossible.

Then, seeming as for once Julian was lost for words, I spoke first.

'Julian, I'm sorry for what I did.' I forced out the words, making myself do the right thing and not what my selfish self wanted.

He would reject me, I was sure of it.

He still didn't say anything, and the tension between us could have been cut through with a knife.

Then I carried on talking.

'What I did was wrong, and I completely understand if you don't want to see me anymore. I wouldn't want to see me anymore for something like that. That's why I understand, and I'll understand if you tell me that-'

'I still want you.' Julian interrupted me, indicating that he had been holding himself back until then. I stopped waffling and looked up at him. He still wanted me.

Relief flooded through me and I breathed out in an audible sigh of happiness.

'So... we're still...?' I let the sentence hang, not knowing what we were in the first place.

'Together? Of course.' Julian replied and put one arm on the small of my back.

Together. The perfect word.

We were still together, Julian and I.

Then he kissed me and my body was on fire.

However, the fire was put out as quickly as it was ignited, and he let go of me.

The kiss had none of the power that I usually felt behind it.

Something was wrong.

Julian's heart wasn't in it.

Perhaps he was just being guarded, still hurt after what happened.

I don't blame him for that, but it still hurt.

I left soon after that, realizing that it was late and nobody knew where I was.

Our exchange of words felt perfect, yet deep down I knew something was wrong.

Julian was still upset with me, and there wasn't anything I could do about it in the short-term.

He'd lost trust in me, and I'd just have to gain that back over time.

I walked home slowly, feeling accepted in the darkness, nobody able to see me.

At least Julian still wants me, that's what matters most.

But something still feels wrong.

We used to be so strong, but now everything feels fragile and precarious.

I'm still afraid of losing him...

I've always been afraid of that deep down, but now the feeling's more prominent, more chocking.

I'm just going to have to prove to him that I love him and not Jay.

That he's the only one that I want.

Good night, Diary...

Thursday 10th April

10am

Ready for a day with the manga crew?

I'm sure as hell not.

At least we're going to go to the cinema, so for the majority of it there won't be conversation.

Whenever they all talk, I get completely lost.

It's like a different language, what they talk about, a secret code to which I had no translation.

I can't even remember the movie we're going to see.

I only remembered half an hour ago that I had to be at the cinema by 11.30

Seeming as mum's still in bed for some reason (this isn't a regular occurrence) I'm going to have to run to the bus stop and pray for the right bus to come along.

11am - On the bus.

For once in my life I've been lucky and hopefully I'll be at the cinema on time.

There aren't many people on the bus to the cinema on a Thursday morning.

Shocking, that.

There's me, two old ladies having an in depth conversation about grouting, a surly looking boy sitting on the back of the bus whose music I could hear from the front of the bus, and two young women both with buggies, both carrying two noisy babies.

This is the kind of situation that makes me heavily regret breaking my MP3 player a few months ago.

11.15am

Julian will be at the cinema.

I wonder what that will be like, me and Julian around the manga crew.

They must know already, mustn't they?

Trust me, they're gay obsessed. They will probably sniff out the homosexuality.

I'm just going to do what I usually do, and stay completely silent.

Although, who knows, I could have another conversation with Chloe about books.

That seems like such a long time ago, our conversation.

I haven't seen any of them since school, actually.

11.25am

To the cinema we go...

4pm

As far as cinema trips go, this one wasn't that bad.

I saw Clara first, so I was able to converse for about five minutes before the rest of the manga crew found us.

Then I shut-up.

From the outside everything looked normal, but I couldn't help but feel their eyes burning into my back.

Of course they'd heard the rumours, of course they knew.

Julian turned up last, and my heart skipped three beats when I saw him.

I just wanted to grab and kiss him, but couldn't.

There were too many things stopping me.

To do that in public was unthinkable.

To do that in front of other people... I just couldn't do that.

I simply smiled at him, and he returned the smile, but only for a few seconds before being bombarded with hugs and question from the more confident members of the manga crew, (namely Jade and Jess)

Then Jess grabbed his arm and pulled him into the cinema.

It was obvious that they didn't know about Julian.

I couldn't help the feeling of ugly jealousy that bubbled up inside of me.

She had Julian's arm!

Also, there was nothing I could do about it.

Clara and Jade had walked off, deep in conversation about the new season of something, so Chloe and I were the only people left outside of the cinema.

When I turned around to look at her, she was already looking at me with a slight smile on her face. Then, with my gaze, she dropped hers to the ground and blushed.

'Shall we go in?' I asked and she nodded, so we walked in together.

Chloe is truly a strange girl, so shy and discreet.

Her hair wasn't up in a pony tail today, so it fell down to her shoulders in strawberry-blonde curls and framed her pale face. She looked pretty, not in a conventional way, but pretty none the less.

The movie was better than the Barbie movie, but only marginally.

A stereotypical boy-meets-girl American romantic comedy.

I just switched off and thought about other things for the most of it.

This resulted in me, like usual, not having anything to talk about post-movie because there was a group discussion on the plot-line and characters.

Then we went to a cafe and the baffling conversations about manga commenced.

Even Julian struggled to say anything.

In the end Chloe, Julian and I had a conversation about one of the only books we had all read, namely Lord of the Rings (Julian isn't big on reading, but he's obsessed with this book, so the conversation was quite animated)

Every so often I saw Jess, who was still obsessed with Julian, giving Chloe jealous glances for talking to him.

I couldn't help but think it isn't Chloe you should be glaring at... and smiling to myself.

Throughout the day all there was between Julian and I were glances, but I swear Chloe could see them all.

She didn't do or say anything about it, though.

She must be an observant person, spending so much of her time watching and not participating in things.

Forever on the side-lines, observing the situation.

Jess hung onto Julian as per usual, and I couldn't stop feeling the petty jealousy crawling inside me.

I will just have to get used to that.

Until Julian's out, that is.

I wonder... when will he confess to the world?

He's lucky, getting a chance to do it himself.

Although, if it wasn't spread around, nobody would probably ever know that I was gay for a long long time. I'm too shy to say it to the world myself.

So the cinema trip ended without a hitch, and I waited for the bus.

Turns out Chloe had to wait at the same stop as me.

We started discussing things, starting of course on books, but then other things.

Suddenly she was less shy than usual, and I could feel her opinions and personality through her words, not just her shyness.

She was opening up to me, and I felt privileged.

For a split-second, when I turned my head to look at her, I saw a confident girl without a care in the world, laughing and smiling.

Then she noticed that I was looking, and that girl was locked away, hidden behind a blushing, shy armor.

Why did she hide it?

Before conversation could resume, my bus came and I said goodbye.

I smiled at her and even touched her shoulder before I went, and that one touch made her shy away as if in fear.

On the outside I acted like nothing had happened, but I had noticed that reaction of fear.

Fear of one simple touch.

She wasn't like that with everyone.

I had seen Clara hug her before, Jess had put her arm around Chloe before.

It was just... men.

She was afraid of guys, but why?

So here I am, at home, writing.

Hoping Julian would ring me or randomly appear at my house.

Just seeing him but not being able to even touch him is a cruelty.

I just hope he will let me touch him again, with the passion he once had.

I feel like things might not ever be the same...