Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

Friday 11th April

9am

I’m only awake this early because of my mother waking me up.

I’m only properly awake because of what she told me.

Jay is coming back into my life.

Dad and Vanessa too, but I don’t mind them being there.

It’s just him.

They’re coming over for the weekend, so Dad can see his two kids and we can have some kind of big reconciliation, apart from the fact that I don’t want to be reconciled with Jay, no doubt about that.

I left everything so awkward, so unfinished, hoping to leave it that way.

I honestly thought I’d never have to see him again. It seems that fate has other plans for me.

I wish that mum had just let me sleep so I could find out in my own good time.
However, she had to go out, and felt the need to tell me now.

I’m glad she decided in the end not to keep it a surprise - I don’t think I could take that, seeing him out of the blue.

At least now I can prepare myself, I can sort out my thoughts somewhat.

I just still can’t believe I heard those words from my mother’s mouth, time slowed down from when she said his name, reminded me of his existence in the real world and not just in my memories.

‘Simon, I just thought I’d tell you, I organised it with your dad and his girlfriend a few days ago that they should come over and visit this weekend! I was going to keep it a surprise, but then I figured you’d want to sort everything out for Jay.’

When I didn’t answer, simply staring up at my ceiling in some kind of mind paralysis, she carried on.

‘I hope you don’t mind, but Jay will have to stay in your room in the spare bed. It’s only for a weekend, it’ll be nice to catch up with your soon to be step-brother, right? I just thought that it was about time we all got together and Katie misses her father.’

I still didn’t say anything, having lost the will to think past ingesting the words being flung my way.

‘Simon?’ She opened the door slightly and poked her head through it. ‘Are you even listening to me?’ the annoyance was creeping into her voice.

‘Yes.’ I answered monotonously.

‘Okay then. I’m off, see you later maybe.’ She closed the door slowly and I heard her footsteps dying away.

Minutes later I heard the car engine dying away, down the road and out of my almost vacant mind.

I’m still lying in bed.

All I can think about is Jay and how I’m going to see him again.

This is all happening too quickly.

Julian and I have only just made up over something about him, this can’t happen now.

Not now.

In a year or two, maybe, but not now.

I need to forget him first, let my feelings for him die and not just fester at the back of my mind like they are.

The world outside is going on unawares of my mental struggle, wind caressing my windowpane and the birds’ chirping muffled slightly through the glass.

I’m going to force myself to get up and see Julian.

The only thing I can bring myself to do is see him.

Everything feels okay when he’s there.

8pm

I literally spent the whole day with Julian, yet during all that time I couldn’t even form the words in my mind to tell him about Jay’s sudden return into my life.

He even asked at one point if anything was wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him, to disappoint him, to worry him.

I just kept on ignoring my conscience, telling me to say what was going on.

I acted like nothing was happening, that everything was okay, for his sake.

The wound from our last disagreement was still fresh, and I wanted to give it time to heal.

I can tell everything isn't quite okay yet, because we're not as close as usual. Most of the time we were more like friends, except the passion, as always, was evidently there.

Julian was just being careful, I understood that.

It still hurt, but I understood. I had hurt him too.

However, there was one kiss, just before I left.

I kissed him this time, cautiously and slowly.

I was so relieved and so happy when he kissed me back.

The fire was still there, with both of us.

We both still needed each other, still wanted each other.

I know that we can pull though this, that I can pull through this for Julian. I know that nothing can tear us apart.

I'm still feeling bad about not telling him about Jay though.

I just don't want to mess things up again by mentioning him.

I’ll just have to avoid Julian for this weekend and try to deal with Jay on my own.

I’ll avoid him too, I’ll spend the days outside on my own.

He can’t possibly find me if I’m on home ground, whereas in London I didn’t know where to go.

I’ll hardly see him.

He’ll hardly remember who I am by the time he gets back, he’ll be unaware of my existence.

I’ll make sure of that.

They’ll be here in a few hours, having taken the late boat.

It’s just the Saturday, Sunday and Monday, I can survive that fine.

It’s only Jay, I can survive this.