Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

Wednesday 17th March

4pm

Just arrived home from school. I just remembered that I invited Julian and Clara around today.

Julian and Clara are my two best friends, and my only friends.

I've known Clara practically all my life and she was the one to brush the dirt off me when Cathy threw it at me. The two were, and still are, complete opposites. Cathy is tanned, sporty and confident whereas Clara is pale, loves to read manga and quite shy.

Don't get me wrong, Clara isn't ugly. I've always liked the way her honey coloured hair cascades down her back in thick waves and she has pretty green eyes behind her glasses that look deep enough to hold her wisdom, which she is never short of.

Clara is also kind, and always helped me out with homework, which I was always desperately struggling with. She wants to be a manga artist when she's older (a mangaka, she calls it) and she certainly has the talent to be one.

Julian is very different from Clara. He is outspoken and, even though he isn't smart in the academic sense, he knows a lot about life (or so he says) and always has good advice. He is handsome (tall, long curly blonde hair and captivating dark blue eyes) and has a lot of girls after him, but has never paid much attention to this (I don't know why, seeming as he is obsessed with talking about sex and other stuff that would require a girlfriend.)

I hear them arriving now, so I better stop writing for now.

8pm

Something very strange just happened.

Clara explained that she could only stay until seven because her uncle had come over from Germany (Clara's half German) and wanted to see the whole family during the last evening he was staying in England.

After she left Julian was acting weirdly. I panicked and all I could think about was our conversation at break. Did he think I was gay? Didn't he want to be friends anymore? Julian didn't seem like the kind of guy to be homophobic, though even I don't think I'm gay.

At first conversation wasn't needed, seeming as we were both devouring a pizza I had just got out of the oven. However, after it was eaten, all there was left was an awkward silence.

Julian was obviously uncomfortable, or on edge, because he was fidgeting. I have known Julian for five years now, right from the beginning of Year 7, and whenever he's feeling uncomfortable, he fidgets uncontrollably. Foot tapping, wrapping his fingers on the nearest surface, messing up his long hair with his hands, I can tell when he's nervous.

'What's wrong?' I asked, just to break the silence.

'Nothing.' he replied monotonously, which was unusual for someone so energetic and outspoken. His hand was still drumming on the table in front of the sofa we were both sitting on. The constant sound was annoying me.

I pressed down on his hands with mine. Just so he would shut up.

Then came the very strange part.

He grabbed hold of my hands and then flung himself towards me and embraced me.

By embrace, I don't mean friendly, harmless hug. I mean full strength, holding on for dear life, passionate embrace. Just like in the old romance movies.

Even I, clueless as I am, can tell the difference.

'What are you-' I began, but my question was muffled because suddenly, in a blur of movement, he pressed his lips against mine and my brain gave up trying to think what was going on.

This wasn't right at all. Julian was my best friend, but not even the closest of friends do THAT.

I struggled to push myself away, partly because I was weak compared to Julian, but partly because my body was reacting so wildly I almost forgot how to push away. A small part of me wanted to kiss him back. Soon he realized that I was not comfortable with this, and he pulled away. Then I remembered how to breathe and air gushed into my lungs.

'Wh-what the...?' I gasped in-between breaths and Julian looked away awkwardly.

'I thought... you were...' he began, but sighed, not knowing what to say.

'Gay you mean?' I finished for him. 'When did I admit this?' I felt angry, angry that he would assume that I was gay. I hadn't even confirmed it or denied it in my own mind yet.

'I... I'm sorry.' he said, almost sheepishly. 'I was so happy after you told me about Cathy that... i didn't think properly.'

Happy? Now that I think about it, why would he have been happy? Did he like me in that way?

'Julian...' now was the time for me to feel awkward, but I had to ask. I had to know. 'Are you gay?'

'Yes.' he answered without much of any emotion in his voice. He had obviously come to terms with it. I hadn't come to terms with anything at all. I was shocked. Julian was the last person I'd expect to be gay, but then all the strange things about him suddenly had a reason. He didn't go out with girls because he was gay. He talked about sex, but never particularly about having sex with a girl. All because he was gay!

'I'm sorry.' Julian said again. 'I'll leave. I'll never do that again.'

I was too shocked to react when he walked away. My mind wasn't functioning right.

Then the closing of the front door behind him woke up my brain and now my head is in my hands, trying to things over. I don't want to see Julian right now, or anyone really, because suddenly I feel like my own uncertainties are clicking into place.

I've never really bothered about girls or anything. I never feel the need to impress them, I never think about having sex with them.

Don't get me wrong, I've thought a lot about sex. I'm a sixteen year old boy, it would be worrying if I hadn't. I just never thought about who with, where or when. I just thought about the feeling of being loved and loving back. Two halves making a whole. Not who would be the other half.

Now I was thinking.... what if I subconsciously knew the other half would be a guy? Have i been gay all my life? Am I gay now? Have I never been gay and never will be?

Perhaps I'm just bi-curious...

11.45pm

How am I going to face Julian at school tomorrow?

Somehow I don't think Cathy is 1st on my 'Who to avoid' list at school anymore.