Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

9.30pm

He's here.

In the house.

I can hear his voice, his self-conscious, barely audible mumbling.

I swear I can almost hear the metallic tmp tmp tmp of his headphones, but I must be imagining it.

My mother's overly chipper answers, trying desperately to make him feel at home.

Dad and Vanessa are in their room, moving their stuff in for the weekend.

Jay hasn't approached my room or me. Yet. It's not like I'm jumping at the chance to see him.

Dad and Vanessa came in earlier and I was actually pleased to see them.

It was quite strange, I wasn't so angry at my dad anymore.

I've realised that mum's got on with her life now, and dad's got on with his. I can't force them to get back together or anything, I can't get back all these years that I never bothered to contact my dad, never thought of him.

The naive anger stopped me from wanting to see him, even though deep down all I ever wanted was a father in my life.

I remember his efforts, all the birthday presents sent every year, all the phone calls, all the random letters.

I always threw the cards and letters away, I always hung up the phone.

Eventually he stopped trying and got on with his life. It's understandable, I didn't act like a son at all to him.

I've always known that Dad did send money to us, he did try and support us, but I never accepted him not being there. Abandoning my mother.

I remember all the times when I was a child, I was there to pass her the tissues to dry her tears, watching her crying and feeling completely helpless. I couldn't make her happy, she only wanted dad.

I guess I've always resented that.

But now mum's moved on to her new boyfriend, and I need to move on too, from my childhood resentment.

I'm not going to be completely open with my father at the moment (it's not like I'm going to tell him I'm gay this very weekend) but I'm going to try.

All this talk of Dad cannot distract me from the immediate problem I'm having to face right now, in the form of the guy staying in my house.

Sitting in my living room talking to my mother .

Mum's probably baffled as to why I'm not leaving my room. It's not like I can explain any of this to her - I'd rather die.I'm just going to stay in my room and write away.

I can hear her laugh, his quiet laugh resonating underneath. He can't be comfortable, can he? He can't have forgotten what happened. I sure haven't.

I wish I could just disappear right now, be swallowed up into the ground and my existence erased. But no matter how much I will it to happen, the ground stays where it is and my reflection still looms back at me in the mirror.

I'm just going to have to face this.

Or, rather, Jay is going to have to face me, because I'm not moving from this spot. Hopefully mum will come in too so I don't have to be alone with him. I still don't completely trust myself around him, unfortunately.

I'm actually eying the window and contemplating running away.

It would make things a heck of a lot simpler for me.

No.

For once in my life I've got to do something mature and constructive.

Oh god.

Footsteps.

Mum's voice, still chipper in a way that would make me laugh in any other situation.

The sound of my door handle turning...

11pm

I've locked myself up in the bathroom for now.

I don't usually write in the bathroom but, seeming as Jay is still in my room reading, I don't want to write in my room.

It's a matter of privacy.

Things haven't been disastrous so far, but neither have they been good.

Basically mum entered the room with a suitcase, presumably belonging to Jay, and I couldn't see anyone behind her.

Then Jay's face melted into view, from the darkly-lit hallway to my brightly-lit room.

He wasn't looking at me, he just focused on the ground, shyly.

'So,' my mother broke the awkward silence that had descended upon the room, 'I'll just leave your case at the end of your bed. Don't be afraid to unpack and make yourself at home.'

Jay didn't look afraid of unpacking, he looked afraid of anything that moved.

'Also, tell me or Simon if you need anything. I'll just leave you to pack...' she trailed off and smiled.

Utter horror gripped my insides. I was going to be left alone. With him. Alone.

Panic ensued.

'... Simon, can I have a word?' mum carried on and my mood got considerably better.

My mother can really be a god-send sometimes, when she isn't creating utter hell.

I practically jumped off my bed and hurried out of the room, mum frowning at my unusual burst of energy.

She closed the door slowly, leaving Jay to stand in the middle of my room, looking like he didn't want to touch anything in case it bit him.

She launched straight into a clearly practiced speech.

'Honey, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about this sooner, but I was planning for it originally to be a surprise. Your dad and I have been in touch about this for a few months now because we want you and Katie to keep in contact with your family and for you and Jay to get along well seeming as you're going to be related soon.'

She paused so it could all hit me. She and dad had been planning it all along. It seems that my dad cared more about me lately than he had let on.

'I just don't want you to be uncomfortable, even though this is all very new to you, and I want us to be a happy family again. Are you okay with this?'

It took a few seconds for me to answer, which I did with a solitary nod.

I couldn't exactly refuse my family, could I? And I did want to keep in touch with dad and Vanessa. It was just Jay that I didn't want to deal with.

'Also, I thought it would be nice for you and Jay to get to know each other and become friends. It'll be nice to have a brother, won't it?' she was deliberately asking questions now, wanting me to speak. I nodded again.

It would be nice to have a brother, but just not Jay. At least he'll only be a step-brother.

'Okay then, I'll leave you with Jay.' The words I dreaded hearing, but could do nothing about. It would seem suspicious if I avoided him now. I would just have to bear being around him for a few minutes and escape as soon as possible.

Mum walked down the hallway into the kitchen and then seemed to be miles away.

I felt trapped as soon as I closed my bedroom, trapped with him.

My room hadn't ever felt so small or claustrophobic.

Jay was sitting on his suitcase, not even daring to sit on his own bed.

He glanced up when I entered the room, but swiftly refocused his gaze on the floor again, a pink tinge to his alabaster skin.

He didn't look any different physically, but I could see in his eyes that he was drained. He looked like a crumpled shell of what he used to be.

The arrogance, the fiery anger, the passion was all gone.

He looked forlorn and limp, sitting in a slouch on his suitcase.

I pictured myself telling him not to be so sad, touching his arm, but then stopped myself.

Those were not good thoughts.

Instead I grabbed the nearest book off my shelf and sat on my bed, not facing him, opening at a random page.

I couldn't concentrate on reading, all the words danced around the page and I couldn't understand the language.

After reading the same line hundreds of times I gave up and closed the book, resting it on my bedside table. I looked at the cover and it read 'Wuthering Heights.'

I didn't even know I owned that book.

Now I was standing again, facing him.

He had not moved an inch since I had last looked at him.

'You can sit on the bed, you know.' The first words I said to him, my voice sounding calm and aloof.

Inside i was shaking with anticipation.

What was he going to do? Would he even respond to me?

'Thank you' he mumbled, standing up slowly and shuffling onto the bed.

He crossed his arms, signaling to me that he didn't even want me there. However, his dark brown eyes were watching me now with interest.

Aware that he was watching me, I reached under my pillow and snapped up my black, tattered diary with shaking hands. His gaze was still burning into me, I could feel it.

I didn't like the atmosphere of the room, I wanted to get out of there fast.

I made an excuse about taking a bath and I was free of him, closing the door quickly and dashing towards the bathroom.

That was over an hour ago. The bathroom is just next to my bedroom and I can hear him moving. Walking around. Coughing. Bed creaking as he sat on it.

I ran a bath to authenticate my lie, and now I'm watching the swirling mass of water move within the porcelain tub. So this what my life has got to. Hiding in my own bathroom from a guy I have no good reason to be afraid of.

I heard the sounds of Jay getting into bed a short while ago.

I'm so tired, I can't be bothered to hide anymore. I'm just going to clamber into bed and ignore the fact that he's there, though I know that won't work.

Good night, diary.

I'm going to leave you in the bathroom cabinet, there's no way I want Jay to read any of this.