Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

Saturday 12th April

9am

Neither of us slept last night.

I spent the whole night listening to his careful breathing, just knowing that he was listening to mine. I was afraid to move too quickly, to signal that I was still awake. He was also unnaturally still.

All that could be heard was the slow, dragging ticks of my bedside clock, and the soft snores of who I presumed was Dad next door.

I was facing the wall next to the bed, afraid to face him in case I discovered his eyes boring into my head. I counted my heartbeats, listening to my blood pump slowly around my sleep-deprived body.

It was the longest night of my life, listening to him breathe into the surrounding darkness.

After a while I heard Jay's breathing slow, and I felt the atmosphere of the room relax. Perhaps it was just my own tiredness, perhaps he was asleep. I took the risk and turned over slowly, soundlessly, until I was facing him.

His eyes were closed, his lips slightly parted as he slept.

The sight of him still took my breath away.

For the first time I saw him unguarded by emotion, innocent and relaxed. The walls he had carefully constructed around himself had loosened and crashed down, revealing Jay to what he really was, someone vulnerable, something breakable.

Something I had broken before, and that I had the perverse knowledge of knowing how to break again. Something I didn't want to break again.

I stayed awake, waiting for the tell-tale signs of bird song and the light of the morning.

Jay woke and got up strangely early, showing that he didn't like sleeping in the same room any more than I did.

I lurked in my room as I heard him next door, helping himself to a shower.

I heard him leave before anyone else did, about an hour ago.

The rest of the house is only beginning to surface, nobody else knows that Jay has gone. I'll just say that I didn't know either, but for now I'm going to catch up on some sleep...

1pm

I slept a lot later than I expected to. Now everyone is out the house, mum left me a note on the kitchen counter.

"Simon,
Your dad and Vanessa have taken Katie out for the day and I'm out until mid-afternoon. Keep Jay occupied - show him some of the countryside! Also, make sure you both eat something today.
Mum xxx"

Little did she know I didn't have Jay here to keep occupied, so that also took feeding him off my list of things to do.

I'm going to go out myself, although I have no idea where.

I think I'm overdue for a visit to the book shop - all my books have been read and re-read and I have book vouchers, waiting to be used, on my bookshelf.

Then later I'm going to conveniently go out and see Julian and make no effort to cover up where I'm going.

In fact, I'll tell Jay I'm going to go see Julian, just to let the message sink in. I don't want him thinking he has a chance anymore, lead him up to another disappointment.

But for now I'm just going to see if the bookstore can keep me entertained for an hour or two.

4pm

I managed to find a couple of books, and now I'm at the beach, watching the tide ebb down the sand.

There's nobody else here, nobody else strange enough to while away their day sitting on a beach in the wind and rain.

It's not pouring, just drizzling, but still.

I just don't want to go home because he might be there. Then I'd have to acknowledge him, look at him, even talk to him.

I'll head over to Julian's and see if I can have some shelter from the wind and rain.

4.30pm

Great, I've only remembered that Julian is out playing football today just as I was about to knock on his door.

It doesn't look like any body's in.

Now I officially have nowhere to go - I feel like I'm homeless.

5pm

I'm sick of walking around aimlessly, I'm soaked to the skin and these books aren't exactly light weight paperbacks.

I'm going home.

5.20pm

Jay isn't home yet.

Nobody's home yet.

However, mum has left another handy note.

''Simon and Jay,
I've just gone to the shop to get dinner for us three tonight - Katie's being taken out for dinner. Back in a few xxx"

Obviously she thinks that Jay is with me. Any guesses as to how angry she'll be once she finds out he's not with me? Anyone?

I'm annoyed at him myself, getting me in trouble by running off like that.

Perhaps he's found somebody else to occupy his time with.

Well I hope he has.

Then he won't bother me anymore.

I might as well watch TV until mum comes home and then explain how Jay has decided to escape to the wilderness of Cornwall.

5.40pm

So here's the latest update: I am wedged into one side of the sofa, diary practically against my nose, Jay sitting the other side of the sofa awkwardly, balanced on the edge of it.

Mum's in the kitchen, crashing around with pots and pans.

I'm fiercely concentrating on the diary paper, not letting my eyes wonder over to Jay.

He's soaking wet, just like I was earlier, but making no attempt to dry himself.

He's just sitting there and shivering like a forlorn puppy.

Dark sleeves pulled over his hands, fingers clasped around his MP3 player. He's staring at the small, metallic object, as if he can see the music pulsating through it into the atmosphere.

Navy blue headphones snaking up to his ears, hidden behind his damp, dark hair. Pale skin, deep eyes unfocused and vacant.

Okay, so I've broken the rule of not looking at him a little bit.

But I'm sticking to the rule forever now, seeming as his vacant eyes just filled with consciousness and connected with mine.

I still find it hard to breathe when he does that.

I want to go and hide in my room, but that would be like admitting defeat. This is my house, I should be comfortable here. If he's uncomfortable he can leave, but I'm not leaving the room for his sake.

To leave would be admitting a problem.

A problem I don't know the reason of. I shouldn't really be uncomfortable around him - I've already rejected him. It's not like he'd try anything with me now.

He knows about Julian, he knows I'm with someone else.

He'd have to be an idiot to try anything now.

Or someone in love.

But that's impossible - this is me we're talking about here.

It feels strange to even think that someone so beautiful would fall in love with someone like me, someone so plain and boring.

With Julian I've grown to accept it - well, he's told me so many times it's finally sunk in.

But with Jay? He hardly knows me and it can't be looks-based.

I wish I knew what was going on inside of his head.

I just looked up momentarily to find him still looking at me. He's looking at the diary now, it feels like he's mentally riffling through the pages to see what I'm writing.

This is creepy, but I'm not leaving and I have nothing better to do than write.

"What are you writing about?" a simple question, enough to make me jump out of my skin.

"Notes for a school project." A blatant lie, but I was caught off guard.

I never expected him to speak.

"Ah, school. I forgot that you're still at school." he's still talking and my head is emptying of all coherent thought. I'm just nodding whilst writing.

"So what are you studying at school?"

Is it me or is he trying to converse with me? Is he trying to find out more about me?

I think I'm going to have to stop writing.

7pm

Just finished dinner.

It's surprising how your opinion of someone can change through the course of minutes.

As soon as Jay started talking to me I found out a lot of things.

I used to just think of him as that angst-ridden, arrogant, messed up guy who invaded my life for a little while.

As I talked to him I found out that he wasn't really angst-ridden and arrogant - he was just shy.

We talked about trivial things like school and memories, and who would have thought that Jay would have the ability to make me laugh - some of the things he and Ben got up to at their school (he and Ben have been friends for years just like Julian and I) were downright crazy.

Then dinner was made and for once I didn't feel uncomfortable around Jay.

It was a strange feeling, accepting him into my surroundings and not being on edge all the time.

I also liked the effort he had put into talking to me, the attention that I got.

It was like he changed into a completely different person once the initial awkward barrier was passed.

I like this new Jay a lot more than the old Jay.

This is the sort of person I'd want to be step-brothers with.

Now we're watching TV again.

It turns out we're into the same sort of music, so no arguments over the music channels then.

I'm thinking about asking Jay where he was all day, just out of curiosity.

I think I will...