Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

8.30pm

"Where were you today anyway?" It was surprising the amount of effort it took to squeeze those words out of my mouth into an audible sentence. It sounded casual and offhanded, but inside my stomach was doing the tango for some reason.

His reaction made the internal dance quicker and fiercer. He lowered his eyes to the ground, giving the impression that he didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to tell him not to worry about it and to walk away, but my mouth had dried up and my feet had lost all feeling.

"I was going to secretly get the train back to London, but then I decided not to go” he answered back just as calmly, but his face told a different story. The defensive, closed-off Jay was back with full force.

"A train?" I asked, my voice implying that I wanted to know why.

"To be truthful, I didn't want to be around you anymore." His hands slid up from resting on his knees and he crossed his arms. His eyes looked vacant and emotionless again. "But then, just as I was about to get a ticket, I realised that I didn't want to run from you. I didn't want to give up on you."

Without warning he looked up at me and my brain jarred. The image of his face floating above mine, that night in London, wouldn't leave my head. He was giving me the same look now, the same determined, stubborn look.

I wish I hadn't asked that question. It was going so well until I asked that question.

I slowly started to shake my head despite myself, and the hurt was plain on his face, but the determination was still there. He really wasn't going to give up on me, even though I had already rejected him.

Only an idiot or a fool in love would be that determined.

He walked towards me slowly, cautiously, like I was a rare bird he was trying to catch before it flew away.

"I love you, Simon." He whispered after getting close enough so that I could hear him, feel his breath against my cheek, making everything I'd told myself about getting over him crash around my feet.

He was so close that I could hear him breathe and smell his sweet scent. He gently touched my face with just one finger, one finger enough to send powerful shivers down my spine.

He cupped my face in his hand, as gently as if I was a priceless artifact.

"I love you" he told me again, making it all the harder for me to stop him, though my common sense was screaming at me to tell him to stop.

I simply stood there and let him capture me; take me to the cage where I couldn't fly away.

I knew that it was wrong and I knew that I was ruining everything, but I wanted him. I'll admit it: at that moment all I wanted was him.

I also knew that as soon as I gave into him there was no turning back.

If I gave in I couldn't go back to Julian and I couldn't reject Jay again. I wouldn't be able to push him away; I wouldn't have the willpower to.

Jay leaned in, closing his eyes, and kissed me, purposefully just missing my mouth. He planted small kisses along my jaw and neck, making me moan despite myself. His lips were soft and cautious, still treating me like something precious and breakable. He then moved back up to my face and kissed me properly.

I didn't know what I wanted just then. It was so confusing, my mind screaming for Julian and my body screaming for Jay.

The first reaction I made was probably not the best.

I slapped Jay full across the face.

It wasn't a voluntary action, more like my mind taking temporary re-control of my screwed up body. Jay staggered backwards, staring at me in shock. I looked at my hand as if one of my fingers had just randomly dropped off, not quite registering what I had just done.

Then, when I finally caught up with the situation, my usual cowardly reaction of running away kicked in.

Now here I am, in my sanctuary of the bathroom.

There's no way I'm sleeping in the same room as Jay tonight.

I'm going to have to construct a makeshift bed out of the bath and a lot of towels instead.

Good night, diary, hopefully I can make more sense out of this in the morning.

Sunday 13th April

9am

Woke up to my mother banging on the bathroom door, complaining that she needed a shower before going to her tennis club.

Now I'm planning my escape route to the beach, the only place I have left to go nowadays.

I just have to avoid Jay today and then hopefully he'll be out of my life for a long time, if not forever. It's not the good way to deal with things, I know, but I really don't know how to deal with this at all.

I don't even want to see Julian; I couldn't face him. I feel ashamed of myself, screwing around two people like this.

For now I just have to gather my thoughts.

When will this whole thing just stop?

10.30am

I've been at the beach for a while now, I’m don’t know where else to go.

Thank god I didn't run into Jay whilst escaping the house. I just shoved some things into my rucksack and legged it out of the house.

I was meant to be going out with everyone for lunch today, but I really don't want to face it. I'm running away from everything, just like usual.

I feel bad towards Vanessa and Dad, I've hardly seen them and they're going tonight. Hopefully later I will have swallowed my fear and I can see them off at the train station. I'll just act like nothing happened with Jay and I.

It'll be best that way.

For now I have a massive amount of time to kill. I think I'll go for a long walk.

12pm

That really was a long walk, and this isn't a huge beach. I just walked back and forth, thinking things over the whole time.

I've been denying to myself up until now that I actually have feelings for Jay.

I honestly do.

But I also have feelings for Julian, and I won't forget that.

But I can't forget Jay either.

This is truly aggravating.

Everyone will probably be at the restaurant now, sitting down for lunch.

Thank god I thought about taking a bit of money with me, I need food and the kiosk is looking extremely inviting right now.

12.15pm

I return with a nutritious lunch of chips and cheese. You can't beat eating chips on the beach, even if the weather isn't up to much today.

Bleak, grey sky and bleak, grey waters.

There are only a few other people here today.

One is a girl, probably around my age, sitting on a rock the other side of the beach reading a book. Seems like I'm not the only one using this beach as a hiding place.

The other two people, strangely enough, are the same old couple that interrupted Julian and I on the beach all that time ago, walking along the sand arm in arm.

At least... it feels like a very long time ago.

I miss Julian; I miss the way things were before Jay was in my life. I was starting a tentative, loving relationship that was just meant to work.

It seems like life had other plans for me.

I'm going for another walk, it seems like I have a lot more thinking to do.

1pm

I'm getting really bored of the beach now, I feel like I've outstayed my welcome here. Even the girl has left, leaving me alone in this dreary place.

The others will probably still be at the restaurant. I may as well go home and lurk in my room when they come home. It's best that I get the apologies to mum over with, and I want to see Dad and Vanessa again before they leave.

Seeing Jay will just have to be my sacrifice to do that.

2.30pm

I've been lurking quite a while now, and nobody's home yet.

2.45pm

I hear the sounds of life, a car coming up the driveway. I wonder how annoyed mum will be once she finds me.

3pm

Bafflingly, mum wasn't annoyed at me at all. In fact, she hardly noticed I was there.

Dad, however, was very annoyed, but not at me. He wouldn't say why, he just stomped into his and Vanessa's room, saying that he needed to pack a few more things. Vanessa simply looked awkward and mum's face matched hers. Katie, the child that she was, didn't notice any of the bad atmosphere emanating through the room and switched on the television, getting absorbed into some annoying TV show.

I decided that Vanessa was most likely to tell me what was going on, so I asked her quietly in the kitchen.

Her answer was simple: "Jay told us he was gay at lunch today."

If words could hurt these nearly knocked me straight over.

Jay had come out of the closet.

Vanessa said no more, but she didn't look angry about it, or sad like when mum had found out about me. She looked worried, but as if she had accepted it.

"So that's why dad's angry?" I asked and she nodded.

It made sense that he was angry: dad has never hidden his homophobia. It's the one thing I still don't like about him now.

"Jay didn't come home with us, I think he went for a walk." Vanessa said quietly, and exited to the lounge to sit with Katie. She didn't look too keen to talk about it; she was probably still a bit shocked.

No wonder Jay didn't come home with them. Dad mustn't have taken it well.

Despite myself I'm worried about Jay, he must be feeling vulnerable after admitting something that would only cause shame and embarrassment to those around him.

I wonder if he'll come home in time to catch the train with Dad and Vanessa?

4pm

Jay still hasn’t come home and he needs to be at the station by five to catch the train with dad and Vanessa.

It looks like he’s going to be left behind.

5.20pm

Just come home from seeing dad and Vanessa off at the station.

Jay still isn’t home.

Where the hell is he?

Mum’s hiding her worrying by preparing the now vacant spare room for Jay to stay in. Mum and Vanessa agreed that Jay would stay with us until Dad calmed down a bit and would allow him back to live with them in London.

It’s strange, my father being homophobic. He’s generally an easy-going person and doesn’t have anything against anyone else. I can only guess as to what made him hate gay people so much.

He wouldn’t be proud if he knew that both his non-biological and his biological sons were gay.

So this ruins my plan of not seeing Jay for a long time, although at this rate I probably won’t see him for a while.

I wonder if he’ll even bother coming home tonight.

6.30pm

My sister sure knows how to make an awkward situation even more awkward.

We were eating dinner, Jay’s place at the table set but not being used, and neither mum nor me wanted to talk.

Katie seemed to be finally noticing the silence, and piped up.

“Mum, why did Jay say he was stupid at lunch today?”

Mum looked up from her plate of pasta in confusion.

“Stupid?”

Katie rolled her eyes, disappointed that mum wasn’t following the sordid conversation.

“Yes, mum, stupid. See, he said today that he was gay, and my friend Laura says that if something is “gay” it’s stupid, so Jay said he was stupid. Why would he say that?”

Mum looked taken aback and unable to deal with the conversation, so I stepped in.

“Katie, he didn’t mean he was stupid. Let’s stop talking about that now.”

For the first time in her entire life Katie did the right thing and stopped talking.

I could have hugged her.

The rest of dinner whiled away in silence, minus the scraping of plates, and I was relieved to leave the table.

There’s still no sign of the runaway.

11pm

I don’t think Jay’s coming home tonight.

I stayed up for mum’s sake, just in case he came home. I don’t think he will.

I’m just going to go to bed, if he comes home he’ll come home, there isn’t any point in my staying up any longer; I have school tomorrow.

Goodnight diary.

Monday 14th April

1am

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

3am

I’m not going to school today.

I’m not leaving the bathroom until Jay is far, far away from me.