Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

11a.m.

Okay, so I'm at school.

Only after gaining my rationality somewhat did I realize that a day of school was far more preferable to a day of avoiding Jay.

Not that I'm not avoiding anyone here - I don't even want to see Julian's face right now, I would break down if I had to tell him everything.

Which I will have to do at some point - I owe him that much and I can't lie to him about it.

The only person I'm not avoiding today is Clara because, out of everyone I know, I'll be able to confide in her about it.

I just hope to god that she has, as per usual, a solution to my problem.

Even if it's just pointing out to me something that I know I have to do anyway.

She'll tell me to talk to Julian about it, I'm sure of it.

But if she tells me to do it, I probably will, whereas I'd have no motivation otherwise.

Clara's a good friend like that.

I asked her to meet me here at break, by my wall behind the school overlooking the field, so we could talk about it.

Here she comes now...

1.30p.m.

We ended up talking for the rest of break, so I've only just had a chance to write now.

As I guessed, Clara did advise me to speak to Julian and I know it's the right thing to do but...

I don't want to ruin everything.

Also, it isn't like we have any chance to be alone at school.

Lessons are surrounded by other people and right now Julian's with some of his other friends, the ones I've never quite fitted in with.

He used to try and fit me into the group, get me more friends, but I was always doggedly refusing to talk to people, to make friends with those that were trying to take Julian's attention off of me. I didn't want Julian to have other friends when we were in secondary school, I just wanted him for myself.

I know now how selfish that was, wanting to keep Julian for me and only me, but I was jealous of those other friends who held his attention. I'd never really had a good friend like Julian before and I just wanted to grab onto him and never let go - he was my safety ring in a school of people who didn't accept me.

Now I let him go, not trying to make more friends myself anymore. I've always been a bit of a loner where popularity is concerned. I prefer to write in this diary than go and socialize at break times.

Julian and Clara are the exceptions, I will always want to be friends with them.

And, now that I'm thinking about it, I also count Chloe as a friend now.

We haven't spoken much, but I feel a connection with her, in all our similarities.

I wonder if she feels the same way?

Going to see the manga crew doesn't sound like such a bad idea, I'm in the mood for company.

1.45p.m.

The manga crew consists of two people today: Chloe and Clara.

"Jade's at a net ball match and Jess is off today." Clara explained before sinking her head back into the latest volume of manga she was reading, her face obscured by a veil of curls.

Chloe was reading a book when I walked in, but soon snapped the book shut and stared at me afterwards. As soon as I looked at her she looked away, feigning interest in the slightly battered spine of the leather-bound book. Some heavy, ludicrous looking tome that I wasn't even going to ask about.

All I could think was Can someone get more shy than this?!

I tried to initiate conversation (Clara being absolutely no help) but it was hopeless.

Eventually Chloe apologetically went back to reading, so I had nothing better to do than write.

So here I am, writing as per usual.

Chloe looks so calm when she is reading, plunged into a different world to hers.

I wonder what makes her so shy?

I still feel it has something to do with men. According to Clara she isn't usually so shy, but when Julian and I are around she's a lot different.

What makes her so shy around us?

Perhaps something bad happened to her in the past, making her fear men.

Perhaps I'm just making assumptions.

2.45p.m.

I'm writing in art under the table - the painting of an old building that I'm failing at is beginning to bore me.

Something really strange happened when the bell to determine the end of lunch rang.

Clara glided out the room, manga in hand, saying that she couldn't be late again for tutor or she would get a detention.

Chloe dawdled, studying the floor, whilst I shoved everything back into my bag.

When I swung my bag around my shoulder and looked up I nearly yelped, she was standing so close to me, pale and thin like a ghost.

She stayed silent, I stayed silent, the awkwardness pushed down on us slowly and painfully.

"Is there something wrong?" I asked, hoping to snap her out of whatever trance she had sunk into.

"Well, I... um..." She stuttered, her face slowly turning pink.

I simply stood there, trying not to frown. What was going on?

"I..." she stammered and took a deep breath.

"I like you."

The penny dropped.

All that time I had been under the impression that Chloe was afraid of guys and I was completely wrong.

She was just shy around me!

All of a sudden it made sense.

And I felt horrible because I knew that I would have to crush her hopes, just like I had done before.

It seems that I am fated to hurt those who get too close to me.

Including Julian, who is sitting next to me.

It's a blessing that he's so absorbed in his painting, I can write freely.

I'm feeling even worse than ever now, having to turn Chloe down like that.

She looked so relieved after saying that she liked me, having finally confessed. At first I was flattered that someone could confess to me, be so brave as to confess to anyone.

I wouldn't have thought Chloe to be the kind of person to just say it like that.

Then I realised, slow and thick as I am, that she was expecting some kind of answer.

That was when I panicked, thinking two things:

1. I didn't like her back

2. This was because I didn't like girls anymore.

Later came a third thought, I would have to turn her down.

"Chloe, I... well..." Now it was my turn to stutter, not knowing what to say to her.

I could see her hopes dropping, the relief turning into fear as she realised that I could be answering her in the negative.

"Chloe," I regained my composure, instructing myself just to tell the truth, "I'm really sorry, but I don't feel the same way."

"Ah, I see, that's okay..." Chloe turned to walk away, crestfallen, but I grabbed her arm. I wasn't finished.

"You see, I don't feel the same way because... because I'm gay, Chloe. It really isn't because of you, you're a lovely person, but I just don't feel that way for you. I really want us to be friends though." All of my words tripped past each-other as they flowed past my lips.

Chloe said nothing, simply blinked in surprise. I'm guessing that school rumors completely flew over her head too, not just mine.

"Didn't you hear the rumor?" I asked, and the slow shaking of her head confirmed my theory.

"I'm sorry." I said, having nothing else to say.

At first Chloe did nothing, then without warning a big smile lit up her face. It was hard to believe that behind all the shyness was a smile so beautiful and carefree.

"I understand now, Simon. I'd love it if we could be good friends." She said, her voice calmer and laid-back. It was as if she had changed before my eyes. Now she had no reason to be shy to me and her real personality was shining through.

"I've got to get to tutor now. See you tomorrow." she said warmly and gave me a quick hug as if to tie up matters. I barely hugged her back before she was out of the door, leaving me in the empty classroom.

She had taken it so well, it was such a relief.

I was about to walk out of the classroom when another thing made me halt.

I had just made my first confession.

I had told Chloe I was gay.

Finally by my own choice I was officially out of the closet.

A weird feeling of joy wrapped itself around me like a blanket and led me all the way to tutor and then to art.

I had actually managed to confess to someone.

i wish I could tell Julian about it, but it's quiet in this room and I don't want people overhearing me.

I guess I can see him after school instead.

4.30p.m.

Julian was out of the classroom like a shot when the bell rang, I had no time to talk to him at all. My feeling of joy had nearly disappeared now, being overtaken with the anxious knowledge that I would probably see Jay soon.

Turns out that only Katie was home when I got there. Mum isn't back home from work yet and I don't know where Jay is.

Now I'm in my room, contemplating where to hide when Jay does turn up again.

Maybe he's going to make a habit of turning up drunk in the small hours every night.

Oh great, doorbell.

...

It seems that, as per usual, Katie is too entranced by the television to get the door.

I'll just have to get it myself then.

7p.m.

I found Julian at the door when I opened it, leaning against the frame and out of breath. He must have just ran to my house.

"Julian, what's wrong?" I immediately over-reacted, thinking that something awful had happened.

"Nothing," he panted in reply, "I just wanted to see you."

Enter Julian - savant of melting hearts.

If my sister wasn't peering at us I would have kissed him there and then.

But I decided not to abandon my dignity and led him upstairs first.

Only when I closed my door and turned around to look at him did I realise how much I had missed Julian over these past few days.

It was the first opportunity in ages that I was alone with him and I wasn't going to waste a second.

Before Julian could even say anything I had walked up to him and started to kiss him before he even had the chance to wipe the thin sheen of sweat that had gathered on his brow.

Within the space of five minutes we were on my bed, my hands grabbing at Julian's t-shirt and lifting it off of him. It felt so good to be close to him again, to run my hands through his long hair, to kiss every part of him.

Julian lifted his shirt off the rest of the way and i grabbed his hair, tugging him back down to me again.

I could feel his bare skin against mine (my t-shirt had been discarded a while ago) and an image crept, unbidden, into my mind.

His skin reminded me of Jay's. I pictured his pale, exposed body below mine, tears streaming down his intoxicated face.

I stopped kissing Julian and turned my face away from him, ashamed.

Now it was Julian's turn to be concerned.

"What's up?" he asked, lifting himself up so he was towering over me.

When I said nothing he sighed slightly, then rolled off of me. He stopped in expert time so that he was sitting on the side of the bed.

Then he turned to face me, placing one arm across my stomach.

"Simon, talk to me. Please." His words were almost pleads and it just made me feel worse.

For once I wasn't crying. I think I was past crying.

I knew that I had to tell him and that I would have to pretty much sabotage everything with him. I felt the most desolate and desperate that I had ever felt at that very moment.

"Tell me." he said, even more pleadingly.

So I told him everything

I told him about Jay, I told him about how I had felt, I told him about Chloe, I told him about Jay with my dad, but most of all...

Most of all I told him that i still loved him and always would. I made that clear.

Julian stayed completely silent as I told him all of this, absorbing every word I said.

He stayed silent when I had finished, still thinking things over in his head.

The silence brought tension and I couldn't take it. I knew that he was going to end it with me, he was just finding the right way to tell me.

I had just basically told him that I cheated on him, what else could he do?

I broke up at that point, the tears now flowing freely.

Julian made a move then, to pass me a tissue. I took it gratefully and thanked him.

Then, after a short pause, he finally spoke.

"I should be leaving right now," he began slowly, "I should be getting away from you, Simon. I should be protecting myself from you."

By this point I could feel my heart slowly collapsing in on itself. He was really going to break up with me.

"But I can't do that." Hope sparked within me again, my head snapped up to find him looking at me. "I can't leave the one that I love."

I would have said something back, but I was speechless. Julian's eyes were sparkling with unbroken tears.

In all the five years that I had known Julian I had never seen him cry. It scared me, I was so used to him being the strong one, always looking out for me.

It was unreal to see him like this, upset and vulnerable.

With my silence he carried on.

"It seems that you're the one, though, who can't decide who they want to love. You're going to have to decide: me or him. I'll love you either way."

Each of his words was a stab to my chest. I was going to have to decide.

I know that I love Julian but... what exactly do I feel for Jay? I'm always saying different things. Sometimes I'm just attracted to him, sometimes... I can't describe it, something more.

We were still looking at each-other, both motionless, and I watched one tear slide down his cheek.

Then Julian got up abruptly and stormed out the room, practically running down the stairs.

I heard the front door shut behind him and, subconsciously, I followed his fading footsteps to the door, pressing my hands up against the glass when I got there.

Then I slumped on the sofa where my sister was, staring dully at the television screen.

"Are you alright?" I heard my sister's voice distantly and felt a hand on my shoulder.

Katie was looking at me in concern. "Are you alright?" she asked again in a voice I had never heard her use before.

A voice of concern.

Only then did I notice that I was still crying silent tears.

"I'm fine," I answered after an initial pause, "go back to watching T.V."

Katie carried on looking at me for a while, not quite believing me, but then turned her attention back to the television after a new program came on.

She still kept her hand on my shoulder though in subconscious support. It was the nicest I had ever experienced her being since she learned how to talk.

I placed one hand over hers, appreciating her concern.

My mum almost dropped her shopping when she entered the room and saw us there, not quite knowing what to say.

"Since when did you two get along?"