Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

37

Wednesday 16th April

11:00a.m.

I miss the polite, robot-like Julian.

Now he just avoids and ignores me, too hurt to even talk to me.

I don't feel like talking to anyone else but him today, so I'm alone at my wall.

What happened at the cinema still makes me cringe.

I should have just pushed them both away, but I just didn't.

I'm an idiot, a gigantic idiot with a very small brain.

I'll just have to survive this day alone until I can go home and be alone there too.

2:00p.m.

I nearly went to the manga crew's classroom out of my desperation, but when I looked through the door's small window I saw Julian sitting next to Clara, his face mirroring the sad expression of my own.

I didn't want to intrude, so now I'm by the wall again... in the rain.

It's not like i have anywhere else to go.

4.30p.m.

Oh great, I think I have a cold from sitting out in the rain for all that time.

I'm home now, alone in my room.

Jay isn't back yet.

Good.

Although avoiding Jay is more interesting when he presents the actual challenge of avoiding him. He's always out somewhere.

I think I'll just read until dinner.

6.20p.m.

Just had dinner.

Surprisingly, Jay was back for dinner this time.

He even helped mum in the kitchen, bringing out drinks and cutlery for the dining table.

Mum seemed really pleased that he was home for food two days in a row, giving him a huge plateful of lasagna which he could hardly finish. If I was in a better mood I probably would have found it funny.

I've forgotten what laughter feels like.

Now I'm in my room again, I left Jay in the lounge with Katie.

I think he's helping her with english homework.

Jay never struck me as a child-friendly person, but there you go.

That's strange.

I feel quite... dizzy.

Faint.

Infact, I can-

hardly-

write...

What's happening to me?

Jay...

10:30p.m.

I don't know what the hell is going on.

I've just woken up from what felt like the deepest sleep of my life.

In my bed, under the covers.

What happened?

Whenever I try to think my mind draws a complete blank.

All I remember is feeling really faint and then someone's silhouette at the door just before I passed out. It must have been Jay.

He could have just put me to bed, thinking I had fallen asleep.

Or... no, no. That's just me being paranoid.

He wouldn't have done anything to me... right?

That's stupid, I must have just passed out.

I know, I'll talk to Jay about it.

It pains me, but I want to know what just happened here.

He's not in bed. He could have gone out, but I'll check the house just instead...

11:00p.m.

He was watching T.V. in the lounge, his body bathed in the pale light of the screen.

I sat on the edge of the sofa cautiously, aware of his eyes following me.

We sat in silence for a few moments whilst I tried to gather my thoughts.

"I... fainted earlier. What exactly happened after that?" I asked quickly, wanting to fill in the gaps in my memory.

"Oh, yes, I thought you had drifted off to sleep so I just pulled the covers over you and left you." Jay answered earnestly, with not a hint of a lie in his voice.

I wanted to believe him, but I just wouldn't let myself.

I didn't trust Jay to do just that, but I didn't know what actually happened so I would have to take his word for it.

"Do you want to watch T.V. with me?" he then asked, changing the subject.

I inclined my head and sat back before even thinking about it.

I wanted to just sit there and mindlessly watch the screen.

After a while Jay shifted so that our shoulders were nearly touching.

I shifted so that there was more of a space between us.

Jay turned and looked at me.

"Why do you avoid me so much?" he asked me outright.

"I-I don't." I answered unconvincingly.

Jay certainly looked unconvinced.

"You may think that I don't remember that night because I was drunk... but I do remember. I remember you kissing me."

So he was pretending that he didn't remember that night. I wished that he hadn't remembered it, it would have made things so much easier.

"So stop lying to yourself already. You can't be feeling nothing for me." he carried on, taking my hand which I immediately snatched away from him.

He laughed lightly, leaning closer to me, and kissed me quickly on the lips before I could protest.

I simply pushed him away, saying nothing in return, and got up, going back to my room.

I closed my door and leant against it, breathing heavily.

That's when I had the first flash of memory.

My eyes half closed, I felt the something weigh down on the bed and someone leaning against me, their hand lightly brushing my neck.

"I'll never let you get away from me again..." I heard someone's voice, blurred and distant, sing out to me.

The hand trailed down to my waist...


I slid down the door frame until I was sitting on the floor.

I could hardly understand what had just happened to me, but the gap in my memory had gotten smaller.

I locked the door before I went to sleep that night.
♠ ♠ ♠
...

dum dum duh!

=]