Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

Thursday 17th April

1:45p.m.

Today has gone by like a fog so far.

I can't think properly and I'm so tired.

It doesn't help that the cold is still doggedly persisting to annoy me.

I'm in the manga club room because it's literally pouring out there and I had no other choice.

At least Julian isn't here.

The others are though.

Clara and Jade are discussing something, but both keep on looking in my direction worriedly and losing their place in conversation.

Jess is just openly glaring at me - I think she's guessed that something may have been going on between me and Julian, but perhaps she's just annoyed that I'm here instead of Julian.

Chloe is the only one talking to me, although she's reading at the moment.

I think that, out of the three girls that haven't been told anything, Chloe's the most likely not to have sussed out anything that has been going on. Everything seems to go over her head.

Clara looks like she wants to talk to me, but I don't want to talk to anyone at the moment.

I'll just survive the rest of the day until I can get out of here.

5p.m.

Okay, so I haven't gone home yet.

I'm at the beach, in the usual spot.

I don't want to go back and see Jay again. I don't want to see anyone, I just want some time alone.

it's still raining, but only drizzling.

Katie will be home, mum on her way home.

I'll probably go home myself in a little while.

But for now I just want to watch the waves and slowly forget everything.

Moaning.

Pain.

My body limp, powerless, twisted by invisible strings.

I want to push the pain away, push him away, but I can't.

I can hear him in pleasure, feel myself in pain.

No, I'm not feeling it firsthand.

It's as though I'm not in my own body, watching everything happen from above.

It's Jay, he's laying over me, naked.

I'm naked.

There's nothing I can do, nothing but watch him violate me.

Another fragment of memory, a lot less blurry than the first one.

He must have lied to me, how would I be experiencing this otherwise?

Why am I experiencing this?

That was no normal loss of consciousness.

Was I drugged?

It would explain everything.

But there's no way I'm going to Jay about it, he'll only lie again and convince me of otherwise.

What's happening to me?

I'm afraid.

There's nobody I can talk to.

In fact, the only person I'd talk to about this isn't talking to me right now.

Julian

I need him more than ever, but he's not here.

I'm curled up on the sand, wanting to disappear within myself.

"Simon? Why are you here in the rain?"

Someone sits down in the sand next to me, a polite distance away from me.

It's him.

7p.m.

It seemed so natural for him to be there for me when I needed him.

Julian was sitting on the sand in his bike leathers, watching me with a steady gaze.

After announcing his presence he said nothing, waiting for me to speak.

I pushed myself up into a sitting position, not wanting to look so pathetic.

It took all of my resistance not to shuffle up against him and lose myself in him. Instead I stayed where I was, never feeling so alone and violated in my whole life. It took me a long time to even find my voice, but eventually I did.

"Julian, I..." my breathing hitched and I ducked my head before finishing the sentence, "I think I've been raped."

All I heard was a small gasp.

I looked up to find Julian's head just above mine. He was leaning over me, uncertain whether to touch me or not.

I made his decision for him, collapsing against him.

One arm around my back and the other around my stomach, Julian held me with care.

"Tell me everything." he breathed into my ear.

It was much easier than I thought it would be, recounting everything that happened. I think it was because I was talking to him about it and nobody else.

I went from the beginning, from when I felt dizzy and passed out. Then I told him how Jay acted around me after wards and the memory flashes. I managed to stay calm throughout the whole thing.

After I had finished, everything was quiet for a few minutes. I concentrated on the sounds of the sea and the feel of Julian's hair tickling my cheek.

"It does sound like it." he decided and I began to shake. So it wasn't just my paranoia.

Julian felt this and held me more tightly.

"However, you don't know whether it was actual rape or not. He may not have gone all the way with you. We probably won't know unless he owns up or you gain more of your memories of the event." Julian said calmly, thinking logically through the situation.

"D-do you think he used... drugs?" I whispered, still panicking.

"It would explain the memory loss. It's a common side effect of rohypnol." Julian said, looking down at me with sorrow.

"That's the date rape drug right?"

"Yeah."

I let this all sink in.

Jay could have drugged me, he could have raped me.

I say "could" because I didn't want to assume that was what happened.

It was a complete shock but It just made so much sense.

"What am I going to do?" I asked, hoping that Julian would have all the answers just like he always did. Julian paused, not knowing what to say. My hopes sunk.

"Well, confronting Jay didn't work, so you'll have to find evidence. See if there are any suspect looking pills amongst his stuff." he eventually answered and I looked up at him.

"Are you saying that I should riffle through his stuff?!"

"Well... yes... it's probably the only way to get evidence to what he did. It seems that the scum-bag won't tell you himself." Julian's voice was injected with anger again and his fists clenched. He must really hate him - I've never seen anything else get Julian so enraged.

I knew it was the best thing to do, but still - I didn't want to have to go through his personal things.

I guess I'm just going to have to do it anyway, otherwise I'll never know what he did to me.

I caught sight of the time on Julian's watch and sighed in desperation.

"I have to get home, I'm sorry-" I began but Julian cut me off with a kiss.

"Don't be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry about. We'll get to the bottom of this, don't worry." To officially close the conversation, Julian tore himself away from me and stood up. He must have remembered that he was meant to be keeping his distance.

I was just relieved that Julian was still there for me, even if he wasn't so close to me anymore. I was relieved that I hadn't lost him.

I've just had dinner (strangely enough I came home just as mum and Katie were sitting down for dinner, Jay nowhere to be seen) and now I'm sitting on my bed, staring at Jay's suitcase.

I don't want to do this, but I must.

I have to know...