Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

Thursday 18th March

7am

Woke up and immediately wished I was still asleep. The memories of Julian that I had been suppressing via dreams all night flooded back into my mind in their full intensity.

Strangely, the first thing I thought was - My first kiss was with a boy.

Is that something to be worried about?

Suddenly my lips felt unclean and I brushed my teeth in the small bathroom next to my almost equally small bedroom even though I hadn't eaten breakfast yet.

My mother, who looked after both me and my sister since my excuse of a father decided to move to London with his new girlfriend and her son, was at work already and had left me a note on the kitchen table.

Simon,
Your sister has spent the night at her friend's house, so she will be going to school with her friend today. She will be back home after school though, so don't be late back.
Mum xxx
P.S. Remember to feed yourself.

Did she really think I was that incompetent?

I ate an extra large bowl of cereal just to prove her wrong.

At least being home for my sister gives me an excuse not to wait for Julian after school. As long as I manage to avoid him during the day (which won't be hard seeming as we had completely different classes on a Thursday) I will get through the day embarrassment free.

I am determined to.

12.30pm

Lunchtime, by far the most dangerous time of the day. I only eat lunch in two places, and Julian always eats with me. Either we eat with Clara and her small group of manga loving friends (who are all girls that are obsessed with Julian) or on the benches outside of the cafeteria.

We tend to avoid the cafeteria or the social areas, because I always get teased by all the 'popular' kids at school. The ones who I'm surprised even notice my existence, seeming as their heads are always so far up their own backsides. But they've always managed to jeer, to comment and to shove. Even Cathy when she's with her 'popular' friends. And there I was in Year Seven, thinking I could stick with Cathy seeming as we were sort of friends back then.

Anyway, I have decided to eat in my little quiet place again, even though today is more freezing that yesterday was. Even the footballers are inside. Yet, here I sit, my frozen back against the wall in a vain attempt to retain heat. My sandwiches, which had been quickly and neatly made by my mother this morning, are practically deep frozen.

12.35pm

What kind of idiot am I? Here comes Julian now, the only one other than Clara who knows about my secret place.

12.50pm

I have definitely not lasted the day embarrassment free. In fact, I think my entire social life (not that I ever had one) has gone down the drain. However, I'll go from the start of our conversation.

'Simon.' Julian said, his voice full of sadness and what sounded like regret, and I felt bad. I didn't know why, but I did. I realized that he must have been harboring feelings for me and I never noticed. He must have been so happy when I told him about the Cathy situation that he thought I was gay and the feelings he had kept had been too much to hold in. I sort of understood why he had kissed me.

What I didn't understand was - why me? Julian has known me long enough to know how awkward and boring I am - and it's certainly not my looks that have made him feel this way.

He sat down beside me, but kept his distance, which must have been out of cautiousness for my sake. He didn't seem too bothered about the cold.

'I'm sorry.' he repeated what he had told me the night earlier.

'Don't be.' I said and he frowned. 'It was just a misunderstanding. You thought I was gay and you acted on it...' I explained awkwardly.

'I guess so. Don't worry though, now that I know you're straight...' he began, but I cut across.

'The thing is, I don't think I am.' Even though I was saying them, the words sounded like they were coming from far away.

'You're... not?' Julian repeated, hope back in his voice.

'I feel strange saying it... but I'm... thinking about it...' I said, feeling stupid. I didn't want to even think those two little words.

Then Julian was closer. A lot closer. I thought frantically about how this might be a repeat of last night, but then he just kissed me on the cheek. It was almost a friendly peck, but it lingered a little bit longer and had a lot more meaning to it.

I heard a gasp, but it wasn't from me and it sounded too far away to be from Julian.

I looked to my right and someone was standing there. Someone had seen us. I felt like my whole world was crashing around me. Someone knew.

That someone... was Cathy.

If it was somebody nice, like Clara, then our secret would have been safe. But Cathy was a 'popular kid' and those kids don't keep secrets. Cathy turned and ran, but not before I saw the malicious glint in her brown eyes.

She was like a crow who had seen a particularly shiny gem. My secret would be around the school before you could say 'gay.'

Julian simply sat back and bit his lip.

'I feel like I've just ruined our lives.' he said regretfully, but I could tell he was still happy. Happy that I might... just might... be gay.

It will be alright for Julian. He's liked by everyone for his laid back, confident personality and he's handsome. He has an aura of cool that nobody could mess with.

I, on the other hand, am a completely different matter. Tall yet too slim, I look gangly and I'm shy and utterly not handsome. I am boringly normal with naturally straight black hair and green eyes. I'm unpopular and an easy target for bullies.

I'm going to be ripped apart...