Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

11:05a.m.

I should be talking to Julian again, seeming as it would be unfair to keep him in the dark after telling him so much already, but I can't bring myself to.

I'm hiding somewhere different today: I'm sitting on the gravel behind the tennis courts in my desperation to avoid him.

I'm also avoiding cigarette butts from the people who smoke here after school and the stinging nettles, but not in quite the same sense as I am with Julian.

It's actually quite sunny today but the courts won't be in use until after break so it's quite peaceful around here. It's nice to find some time to relax and not have to feel the burning eyes of the school population in your back.

Not just the glares of the popular kids, no. I also had Julian staring at me in English, second lesson, (I had maths first lesson and he's in a higher set) wanting to know what had happened last night with Jay. I ignored him, just like I did everyone else, and acted as if nothing was wrong.

Whereas, truthfully, there are many, many things wrong.

For one, what the hell do these memories mean if Jay didn't drug me?

1. I could be going insane.
2. Jay could have been lying to me.

It could be either, really.

I am inclined to believe the latter though, because the memories felt so real, so painful. They feel like real memories, not dreams and make-believe.

I haven't had any since confronting him though, making the total two so far.

I want to brush them aside, forget about them, but I can't. They've been permanently scarred onto my mind. I just want to know if they were real, if that's what really happened.

I'm sick of these half-formed pieces of evidence that I don't even know the authentication of.

I guess I'll just have to wait for more evidence to come to me.

2:15p.m.

Something quite good has actually just happened to me.

Give me a moment to bask in this moment, this moment that isn't filled with annoyance.

Okay, basically I've been invited to a party.

Clara asked me to go, saying that she had been invited by some of her other friends (though she didn't strike the average onlooker as very popular, Clara had a fair few friends outside of her usual tight-knit group) and was told to invite a few friends of her own.

It sounded like a huge house party and, strangely enough, I actually wanted to go.

It would be nice to do something to take my mind off everything that has been happening lately. I can't remember the last time I just had fun and there was no sorrow attached to it.

Clara took me aside after this, the invite being extended to everyone that was in the manga club room that day (all the regulars and I.)

"I just thought you should know that Julian's already going. I know that things have been a bit rough between you two lately, but remember that you're friends." Clara was looking at me steadily, but she looked sad too. It must have been affecting her so much, watching two of her best friends going through a rough patch.

Her eyes were pleading with me to still go to the party, but I wasn't going to miss the party because of Julian being there. In fact, it just made me want to go more. I still really miss him, even though I have been so awful to him lately. It's selfish, but what happened on the beach yesterday told me that he misses me too. I just want to see him.

"I'm still going, don't get all worried about it." I answered, giving her a supportive hug. "Please don't get caught up in this, it isn't your problem."

"That doesn't mean I'm going to ignore it. I'm your friend, I don't want to see you two unhappy like this." Clara replied and, to both our surprise, a tear slid down her cheek. She wiped it away and stared at her finger curiously as if she had just cried radioactive waste instead of salt water. The look on her face made me laugh. I was in the best mood I had been in for days.

Then we returned to everyone else and had a big discussion about the party.

It would start at around 8p.m. on Saturday (at the house of some guy in my P.E. class who I barely knew) and we agreed to all meet up at Clara's house beforehand. I was hoping Julian would be there too, I didn't want to be the only guy with all those girls. I'd just be hanging around like an extra to their getting-ready scene.

At least with Julian there we could just watch T.V. whilst they... did whatever girls do.

As if reading my mind, Clara said "I'll also invite Julian." I think everyone in the room could sense my relief.

Jess, with her natural abundance of tact, asked me "Will your step-brother Jay be there?"

Everyone else focused on the room around us with a sudden interest whilst I shook my head. "He's busy on Saturday." I lied without much conviction.

Jess looked around at everyone with her empty eyes, confused by the sudden tension.

Clara started talking about the party again and the tense atmosphere had been eased. Obviously they had all (apart from Jess) noticed about Julian and Jay's hatred of each-other.

Did they suspect it was because of me? Probably.

They would have found out anyway, it doesn't actually bother me that much. It's better that they know than some of the people in this school.

Well, at least this party means I have something to look forward to. I wonder if Clara's told Julian about it yet?

Well, there's the bell to signal the end of lunch.

Now I have one more lesson left before freedom. Although Julian's in my last lesson and, seeming as in French we basically do nothing anyway, he'll have plenty of time to ask me about what happened.

It looks like I'm going to have to tell him...

4:15p.m.

Telling him about it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. We were sitting in the back of the class, who were too busy chatting to pay attention to us anyway, but I still spoke quietly, almost in a whisper, about everything that happened.

I managed not to mention the fact that the pills were anti-depressants because I didn't want to spread personal information like that.

Julian was thinking along the same lines that I had.

"So those pills weren't used on you, but why did you have all those strange flash backs? There's something more to this. I wouldn't be surprised if he used something else and didn't have it on him anymore." Julian was writing in french at the same time as saying this, making it look like he was doing the work. Which he was actually doing anyway. It must have taken quite some skill to pull that off.

My own french work laid abandoned on my desk. I've never been interested in french, but it was compulsory to take a language for G.C.S.E and it was the best option there.

Whilst we chatted away Madame Henri, the French teacher who actually originated from France, pleaded with the class to do their work in her quiet, wispy voice.

That ship had sailed a long time ago.

"I just don't know what to think anymore. I want to believe that he didn't do it, but I can't lie to myself. There's still a possibility-"

"Possibility? I think he did it. Your flashbacks are evidence of that, a typical side-effect to those date-rape drugs. I wouldn't put him past it either." Julian had stopped writing, throwing his pen onto the desk and causing ink to splat across his perfect work. He was fuming from just thinking about Jay.

I hesitantly put one hand on his knee, causing his head to snap up and him to look at me. Seeing my anxious expression, his anger evaporated and he smiled at me reassuringly.

"We'll sort this out. I'll make sure of it." he said, gazing at me determinedly.

I felt so guilty then, causing all of this.

If I hadn't given into temptation and made things complicated with Jay, none of this would have happened. I wouldn't be hurting Jay anymore and I wouldn't be hurting Julian now. Also, this new problem would never have arisen and I wouldn't be having these strange flashbacks at all.

"Why are you still being so good to me?" I asked, causing Julian to frown at me in confusion.

"I mean, after all the crap I've given you, why are you still there for me?" I elaborated and Julian's mouth formed a silent "Oh."

"Why wouldn't I be there for you?" he replied, shaking his head at me in bemusement. "I've already told you, and I'll tell you again and again. I love you. I'm not going to abandon you. My feelings can't just switch off, you know. I'll be there as long as you want me to."

If anyone listened in to our conversation, it would have been at that moment, but fortunately nobody did. Only I heard the words of devotion, only I felt like my heart was about to implode.

Somehow his words only made me feel worse. He was so devoted to me and I had treated him so badly.

The bell rang before I had time to even think of a reply to that, and after the shuffling of chairs and people streaming out of the door I was alone with Julian. Even the teacher had gone, tired of the unforgiving classroom.

Now was the time for my reply, but I couldn't think of anything appropriate to say.

Instead I kissed him on the cheek, quickly and self-consciously because of the open doorway that someone could so easily walk through.

"Thank you for always being there." I said and Julian smiled.

"It's not as if you can get rid of me anyway." he teased, thumping me lightly on the shoulder.

On the spur of the moment I decided to properly shove him and then ran out of the classroom, laughing.

It felt good to be acting with my usual amount of immaturity again, not having to be serious anymore.

Julian soon caught up with me in the empty corridor (being of a much better health and stamina) and grabbed me from behind with both arms.

"Told you that you couldn't get rid of me..." he said triumphantly just before I ducked under his arms and carried on running, my schoolbag bashing against my side.

He caught me again before I had gotten ten meters away from him and turned me around so that we were facing each-other, our faces only inches apart.

Without thinking I leaned in to kiss him and Julian kissed me back.

We'd chosen a stupid place to do this in, seeming as the french corridor's inner walls were glass on the top half (the school's attempt to look modern) and anyone in the corridor opposite could see us, as well as those who were in our corridor.

I pulled away after a while, my paranoia of being seen having taken over my desire to carry on kissing, and looked around.

There was one person in the corridor opposite us, having stopped in their tracks at the sight of two boys kissing.

Chloe.

A look of enlightenment had dawned on her face. She now knew why Julian had his arms around me (as well as Jay) at the cinema. She knew why Julian and Jay had been staring daggers at each-other. She knew that we were together.

Then, smiling at us, she waved and carried on walking. Soon she was out of view, having walked past the last glass window.

Julian looked and me and I looked at him.

He was blinking more than necessary, as if there had been a sudden glitch in his system.

Then we both started to laugh. I was so glad that it was Chloe that had seen us and not someone I didn't trust.

"That was close." Julian mumbled, taking my hand and starting to walk down the corridor, pulling me along. I took my hand away quickly and he turned to look at me, smiling ruefully.

"Are you mad? We survived being found once, but that doesn't mean everyone will be as accepting!" I reprimanded him and he laughed.

"I knew you'd say that..." Julian said and then we walked in an amicable silence out of the school.

After a while Julian took my hand again and this time I willed myself not to pull my own hand away. There wasn't anybody around anyway, except for some woman pushing a buggy we didn't even know. She didn't bat an eyelid at two boys walking along hand in hand. It was a good feeling, being accepted.

Julian was beginning to act like I wasn't choosing between him and someone else at all.

I wasn't sure either.

It just felt so natural with him, so comfortable, whereas with Jay it felt dangerous and risky.

I didn't feel ready to commit to him again though, I didn't want to end up hurting him again.

I took my hand away for the second time and this time Julian wasn't smiling. He looked slightly upset. I bit my lip, cursing myself. I did everything wrong.

"Sorry, I'm just not-" I began but Julian nodded and I trailed off.

"I understand. I'm being a bit too forward." he said. "I just find it hard not to sometimes. You're hard to resist." He smiled at me shyly and shrugged.

We reached the end of the road and had to part ways.

We both hesitated, not sure how to say goodbye, until eventually Julian just mumbled a goodbye and walked off.

It took all my restraint to not stop him from walking away, but I knew it would lead to nothing good if I did.

I walked home, feeling quite empty despite how great today had been.

So here I am again, home.

Jay's here too, but Katie is preoccupying him with her constant chatter. At least this gives me time to get changed and relax a little bit.

I've been feeling like a misfit in my own home lately and that's never a good thing.

4:30p.m.

Someone's just knocked on my door.

It's Jay, I just know it.