Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

5:10p.m.

For once I was right, it was Jay.

It sure didn't feel like Jay though.

Both of his usual personalities, quiet and shy or arrogant and superior, had both slipped from his face by the time he had shut the door.

He moved silently, but not shyly. He seemed confident yet overly aware of his every move, gliding slowly and with purpose. He shut the door quickly and turned around to face me.

I sat on my bed, diary hastily stashed underneath the covers, not moving a muscle.

Then he walked across half of the room, always facing me, and sat down without taking his eyes off my face.

His eyes looked deep, intense and ominous.

I had a sinking feeling in my stomach, like a sixth sense that something bad was about to happen.

For a long time neither of us said anything. Time trickled past the doorway, not entering the room. Time stood still for us, stretched into non-existence. Eventually I dropped my gaze to my hands, clamped tightly together, and let myself move slightly.

Jay moved too, standing up quickly and fluidly moving over to my bed. He sat down on the side opposite to where I was sitting, facing the wall. It seemed that he didn't want to look at me anymore.

'I...' his one word broke the silence abruptly and he faltered, as if scared by the strange noise himself.

'I have something to say.' He spoke again after a while and the sinking feeling in my stomach grew heavier. My insides were dropping downwards, compressing into one another.

He stayed silent again, the shift on his side of the bed portraying that he felt uncomfortable.

I waited for him to say what he had to silently. I felt that if I spoke I would scare him away and I didn't want to do that. I wanted to hear him out.

'You see...' Jay struggled to force out the words, his voice sounding almost pained, 'I did drug you.'

My brain confirmed what, deep down, it already knew.

Now I would have to accept it - Jay had done the horrible thing I had suspected him of. He had drugged me and done... who knows what.

I was only silent again because my mouth had turned dry and my eyes had widened so much that I found it impossible to blink. I couldn't quite believe it had really happened, but it all made sense.

I just didn't expect him to own up like that. I expected that I would have had to get my courage up and force it out of him, or to find the incriminating drugs and have a tense confession scene follow that.

I didn't think it would have been so... simple.

'I'm sorry.' he added and I was reminded fleetingly of Julian, always apologising.

'So... you used drugs on me.' All I could do was repeat what he said.

'Yes.' He answered, his voice small and faraway to me.

'And... then what?' My voice was monotonous and unemotional, because I couldn't feel anything except for numbness. I just had to know what he did to me, if my flashbacks were true.

'I... I...' his voice broke and I felt the rhythmic shake of the bed which told me he was crying.

I just waited, making no move to comfort him. I didn't even want to look at him, suspecting that my flashbacks really were real.

His breathing laboured and his body still shaking, he tried to carry on.

'I intended to go all the way with you. I intended to take your virginity. But you know what?'

I internally squeamed at the tense pause that followed. He took another long, stuttering breath.

'I didn't do it, I just couldn't do it.' he admitted and stood up, the bed feeling lighter as he did so. 'I swear on my life, I didn't do it in the end. You'd be feeling it if I did.'

I took it as truth. He was right, I would be hurting if he had actually had sex with me.

A torrent of relief washed through me, replacing the numbness.

'Thank you.' was all I said, but I think he understood what I meant. I felt released from my graphic imaginings once he had confessed to me what he did.

Jay walked across the room slowly and turned to me just before he walked out the door.

'I'm still sorry, I did something horrible to you and I'll never forgive myself.' he half-whispered so I could just hear him. He smiled sadly at me; shivers materialised and brushed against my arms and back like invisible feathers.

Then he closed the door and left me with my thoughts.

So he hadn't raped me, even though he had intended to.

I should have thought that the fact that he'd intended to was bad enough, but all I could think about was how glad I was that he didn't in the end.

So maybe Jay wasn't a bad person underneath his barrier he had created to protect himself.

I felt that I had just witnessed him without the barrier, exposed and vulnerable. It was almost a good feeling, being privileged enough to see that side of him.

At the same time it scared me - I don't think I could handle something like that.

Jay needs someone who could really look after him, someone stable and understanding. I hardly understand him at all and I'm not the most stable person. I'd just take that hidden side of him and mutilate it so much that after a while there would be nothing left but the hard, dangerous shell on the outside.

I know there's a good person within him, but I won't be the one to unlock that person.

It's not like he'd be any good for me either. I can't forget that I'm not the only perpetrator here. Jay's unpredictable, unstable, dangerous and untrustworthy. Also, he confessed love to me only a few days after I even knew him.

A few days!

I'm not saying that it isn't possible, but it was just all so sudden. For him to go from hating me to loving me in such a short amount of time. I barely had time to make any decisions about him myself.

It's all been too pressured, too quick.

The past few weeks have been so tense, diary, so tense that I've barely even begun to understand all that is happening to me.

At least now I know what really happened during my blackout.

I don't know whether I should be trusting Jay or not.

It's like there are two sides to him, the unpredictable side that I don't want to trust and the innocent, caring side of him that I do want to trust.

It's all really confusing.

You know what? I'm just going to do homework. At least that's something I won't be worried about not understanding.

Oh great, I have French. I know already that I won't get any of it. I'll just have to ask Julian in the-

Julian.

Am I going to tell him about this?

I guess I should do, although he won't be as easy on Jay as I've been. He'll probably still suspect. He'll probably insult him again and get angry.

I don't like Julian being angry and insulting, it's unnatural. I especially don't like him being angry because of what I tell him about Jay.

But I can't not tell him because otherwise he'll still think that Jay did force me, when in reality it didn't happen. I have to tell him, but I don't want to upset him.

Just another problem to add to my winding list. The web of my sordid life just keeps on getting more and more tangled. I wish I could make some sense of it...

7pm

Jay wasn't here by the time dinner was served. It was obvious that mum was disappointed by his lack of presence, but wasn't going to make a big deal about it. She must wonder about where he goes off to as much as I do.

I mean, there aren't many interesting places around here, what's captivating him so much?

It's not like I'm going to ask.

10pm

He isn't back.

Looks like he'll be back in the early hours again.

Somehow I'm not afraid of being asleep when he's there, though I probably should be. I just don't feel afraid of him.

I think it's because I know now, I know that he didn't do that awful thing, he stopped himself.

There's got to be some good in him, there has to be.

I'm going to bed, even though it's still quite early for a Friday night.

I have a feeling the party will keep me up all night tomorrow anyway.

The party!

I nearly forgot all about it.

Am I losing my masculinity when I start thinking about what I should wear?

Because I am.

I'm just going to go to sleep now before I start turning into a girl.

With all that's happened lately... I wouldn't say it's impossible.

G'night diary.