Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

As we entered the house the party was in full swing. When I walked into the hallway loud music flooded into my ears and a sea of people met my eyes, each of my senses bombarded. Some people I recognized, some I didn't. The heat of the body-packed room was stifling and the mood almost as warm, the atmosphere buzzing with excitement and anticipation of the unwinding evening. For some this atmosphere had been dimmed by either early disappointment or alcohol (both of which were in constant supply) but for our group the buzz was fresh and energizing.

Jade had immediately started to work the whole house, greeting everyone like a long lost friend regardless of whether she knew them or not. Clara went over the host of the party, a guy in our year called Daniel, and dragged Chloe with her.

That left Julian, Jess and I. Annoyingly, Jess wouldn't leave us, waving to people from where she stood at Julian's side. She obviously hadn't grasped the fact that Julian wasn't interested. I wished, even thought I knew it wasn't even right for me to, that he would talk to her about it and let her know where they stood together.

However, that would probably involve him telling her that he was gay, and he isn't really 'out of the closet' yet, except for telling Clara and then me. With Chloe too that made a grand total of three people that knew about him. I wish I could have had that option, but Cathy had already told everyone before I had the chance to.

Oh, and Cathy: she knows about Julian. I still wonder why she only told the school about me and not Julian. She and her group were meant to be going, but I couldn't see them anywhere. I wasn't missing them: I didn't feel like being insulted and bullied at the party I was meant to be enjoying.

Julian stayed at the entrance for a while, leaning against a wall, taking in the scene in his calm, laid-back way. Then he noticed a group of guys he knew and they waved at him, gesturing for him to come over. Julian looked at me, expecting a refusal, but asked the same old question anyway.

'Come with me?'

'No, I'll just go get a drink...' I turned the offer down, just like I always did. Big groups of people I didn't know intimidated me and I didn't want to put myself in that situation, even though I could see that it hurt Julian every time. He just wanted to introduce me to his other friends.

I didn't get a drink in the end, I just found my way into the lounge and sunk into one of the squashy leather sofas. I watched everyone around me, socializing, inhibiting themselves with who knows what, dancing slowly to the music. It was dance music, upbeat and repetitive. It was so loud that it thrummed through me, a steady beat pulsing through my whole body. I couldn't decide whether I liked the sensation or not.

A girl I didn't know nor recognize, with a ludicrously short skirt and blue glow stick liquid smeared army-style over each cheek, came over to me and fell onto the other side of the sofa. She was laughing at something funny in her own head, her eyes bright and her body taught with inner-humour. She turned to me and smiled sweetly.

'Can I get you a drink?' she asked and I thought about it for a while. It wasn't like me to accept, seeming as I never usually excepted drinks off strangers. But, after rejecting Julian's invite to meet other people for the millionth time, I felt bad. I felt like a loner, someone too afraid that they'll be ridiculed for trying to have friends again. I accepted her offer and found myself with a can of beer in my hand.

The girl had a can too and was practically knocking it back. I did likewise, actually enjoying the taste that was almost bitter, but not quite. It was refreshing and calming, ebbing away all my nerves about the party and the crowds of people. After I had finished that one she fetched me another and another and another...

I stopped counting how many I had drunk after a while, no longer being able to string together coherent thought. Then I found myself in the middle of some drinking game where I drank even more beer, cider and other things too.

After that I returned to the couch. The girl, I think her name was Sophie, sat down beside me, too close for comfort. I could feel her breath, sour with alcohol, on my cheek, and her chestnut brown hair fell across her face. She smiled again, her whole face lit up, and she did look pretty. It was a pity I wasn't attracted to girls, even when drunk I couldn't feel anything for her.
'You're really amazing you know...' she slurred and leaned in closer. Suddenly I felt unbearably hot and my head was spinning. I pushed her away and managed to get up, stumbling into the hallway. I couldn't find Julian anywhere and I felt afraid. I wanted to see him again, I wanted everything to be alright.

I banged open a door, finding the kitchen. It was cool and quiet in here, and I calmed down slightly. My head stopped spinning as I leant against a wall and I inhaled deeply and slowly, regaining my thoughts.

It wasn't the first time I had ever gotten drunk, but it was the worst I had ever gotten. I hadn't ever drunk that much before and I was finding it hard to take. Someone I didn't know directed me to a chair, telling me to sit down, and I did. Then a glass of water materialized in front of me and I took it gratefully, drinking the water deeply. This cleared my head and I saw that the person looking down at me was Chloe. She seemed to be completely sober (I wouldn't have expected anything else with someone as responsible as her) and she smiled at me uncertainly.

'Simon... you're really drunk.' she stated and we both laughed.

'I guess so.' I mumbled, head still spinning slightly. I rose and brushed off Chloe's concerned hand on my shoulder. 'I'm going to go outside for a bit, clear my head.'

'I'll come with you-' Chloe started, but I shook my head.

'You enjoy the party. See that guy over there?' I gestured to a shy looking guy leaning against the kitchen counter with a glass of water in his hand. 'He's been looking at you this whole time. Talk to him.' Chloe gaped, shaking her head hurriedly.

'No way, no way, I don't even know him...' she started, but she kept on glancing at him despite herself.

'Come on,' I encouraged, my voice still slightly slurred though I was beginning to sober up, 'You may as well give it a try. You never know, it could go really well. You're a nice girl and anyone would be lucky to have you. Makes me annoyed that I'm not into girls.' I said with a laugh and patted her on the shoulder.

'That's one of the nicest things that's ever been said to me.' Chloe gave me a swift hug and then turned to where the boy was standing. He was handsome despite his shy slouch and he turned away at her gaze, dirty blonde hair and dark blue eyes filled with embarrassment for being caught staring at her.

Chloe turned back to me, hesitating, but I gave her a small push and she walked over to him, not looking back again. I felt truly happy for the first time during the party, not just content from the alcohol saturating through me. I turned away from them, leaving them to talk in private.

There were few people other people in the kitchen, most of them smoking by the open back door. I stared through the door from where I was standing, still holding my empty glass. It was a nice night, the moon full and stars piercing holes through the night sky. I walked past the smokers, they shifted to let me pass through the plumes of slow death that they exhaled, and I walked to the end of the garden.

I was instantly at home here in the silence, the music seeming blurred and far away. I didn't want to go back inside, though I was shivering due to the cold breeze that passed through me. I leant against a fence separating this garden and the next, watching the sky in quiet awe.

I didn't notice that there was someone standing next to me until they spoke, cracking the numbing silence that had been wrapped around me.

'Simon.' simply hearing his voice saying my name caused me to drop the glass in my hand. It shattered on the granite slab that it fell on, shards splaying across the ground. One even landed on my shoe but I didn't even notice. I was too busy staring at the person standing there, getting lost again into those dark eyes.

'What are you doing out here?' Jay asked, his voice concerned for me. Too drunk to even care about composing myself, I grew angry far too quickly.

'I could ask the same thing about you! Like you were even invited to this party...' I growled and Jay was too close by that point, having moved towards me without me even noticing.

'One of my friends got invited to a group of us went. Why, am I not allowed to be here?' he didn't sound angry at all, just staying calm to make me look immature. I didn't care and continued to be annoyed with him.

'I didn't mean that. It's not that you don't have a right to be here, I just don't want you to be here.' I spat out the words, and this time Jay looked hurt.

'I see.' he said with no emotion in his voice and I felt even more rage at his lack of reaction to my words. It was so much easier when he used to be angry and emotional at me; now he just seemed like the Jay he was to everyone else, hidden behind calm armor. It infuriated me how he was hiding himself to me again after all he had proclaimed to me. The fact that it infuriated me in the first place just made me feel worse.

'Why is it always one or the other for you?' I practically shouted and Jay frowned.

'What do you mean?' he questioned.

'Either you're telling me that you love me all the time, or you're like this! It's as if you can't just be yourself around me, you've got to be completely emotional or nothing at all. Is there no balance for you?' I tried to explain as best I could, my mind still a bit scrambled from the drinks.

Jay did understand this time and simply shrugged.

'I don't know why I'm like that. It's not as if I choose to be like this-'

'Well obviously you do! I can see the armor that you hide behind, acting like nothing phases you. Those times you act like nothing is wrong and that no emotion can ever change you. Then, when the armor cracks, you can't contain it and everything floods out.' I shouted, past caring about how loud I was being and the curious stares of the smokers at the door.

Jay's armor, now having been penetrated by the powerful sword of my harsh words, cracked beyond repair. He grabbed my arms with both hands, bowing his head so that his hair brushed against my stomach.

'I can't help it, okay! I love you so much...' he cried, digging his fingers into my arms so much that I almost gasped in pain.

'I don't think that's true.' I said quietly, the pain in my arms sobering me up even more. 'I don't think it's even possible to love someone properly in such a short time. You don't love me, you just want someone to love you back.' I made no attempt to move him away from me and Jay looked up at me slowly, his eyes swimming.

'So that's what you really think?' he asked, his voice cracking. I nodded, trying hard not to cry. He took his hands away from me and looked up at me, standing to his full height again, which was just slightly shorter than mine.

'Yes. I don't doubt that you have feelings for me, but you can't just force them on me and expect me to immediately love you back. You will find someone, but it isn't me. I know who I love.' I said, stepping back from him.

Jay smiled bitterly and mouthed Julian's name. I nodded, tears flowing freely now. Even though I was drunk, I hadn't ever seen things so clearly since I had met Jay. He didn't love me, he was just desperate to be loved after living a life of shunning affection in every form. I didn't like letting him down like that, but I had to make him see that he didn't love me, I was just the person in his eyes that he could be intimate with.

I knew he would find someone to love and be loved by, one day, but that person just wouldn't be me.

The only person that I wanted to love was Julian.

I walked back into the house, leaving Jay to think about things, wanting to find Julian and tell him that I loved him and that I wanted him and only him. However, I just couldn't find him anywhere I went.

I saw many other people on the way. The girl who had given me all the drinks was on the sofa with another guy now and I wished her luck with him. Chloe and the shy boy had also moved into the lounge and were still chatting away, Chloe laughing at something he had said. She even had a beer in her hand!

Jess was also looking for Julian it seemed, but I left her to her own search and she left me to mine. Clara was with Jade and they were chatting to a group of guys who looked extremely interested, not just in what they were saying.

Eventually I found Daniel and asked him if he had seen Julian. He told me that Julian had gone for a walk, saying something about a beach, for some fresh air. I remembered how very close my special spot on the beach was from the house and I sensed that he would be there. No wonder I hadn't seen him for a while.

Daniel then asked if I was okay, seeing the stale tears still on my cheeks, but I was already running out of the front door to get to the beach. I had to see Julian, I was so eager to tell him everything that had happened.

I ran at first, but then my natural lack of fitness meant that I had to walk the rest of the way. I probably looked a mess, pink in the face and staggering around, but I'd never felt better in my entire life. Excitement rushed through me, anticipating Julian's happiness at my words. I was desperate to get to the beach now, finding my way through the dark roads.

I heard the crashing of the waves and the excitement grew. I was so close now...

I reached my secret spot and saw a silhouette of someone already sitting there, their arms around their knees, watching the sea and the moon's light reflected off of it.

'Julian!' I shouted and the figure turned to find the source of the sound. I stopped, out of breath and extremely tired. This time I couldn't possible stop my head from spinning.

I passed out, falling with a thump onto the soft, cold sand.