Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

Friday 19th March

3am

I can't sleep for thinking about Julian, Cathy and my crappy life in general.

I still can't understand why Cathy would do something so incompassionate, so utterly vile... I can't stand her now. Maybe this is her revenge for me seeing her in her bra.

Like it matters anymore. My life is ruined. I don't know what to do!

Move schools?
Drop out and get a job?
Kill myself?

All seem like valid options.

Perhaps I should just weather the storm and ignore everyone until they get bored of me and give up.

Yeah right. Like I'm calm enough to do that. I'm such an idiot - as soon as I'm taunted or bullied all I want to do is cry. I'm too emotional to play it cool. They'll probably keep taunting me until I'm dead.

For now, I think I should just sleep...

9am

Just walked my sister, Katie, to her primary school. Then I skulked back home after lying to her that I would walk to my own school. She's young and naive, so she didn't notice the desolate expression on my face.

Here's my plan: Katie comes home half an hour before me (she gets dropped off by her friend's mum so she doesn't get abducted by strange men with lollipops on the way) so I'll stay out until then. She will be completely oblivious to my bunking off school.

Mum won't guess either, seeming as she works so many hours to keep us fed and clothed. I really hate my dad!

As long as the school doesn't bother to phone, I'm covered for today. I don't know how I'll keep this up...

7pm

My sister and I were watching television (some boring kid's program) when I heard the front door bell. Mum wasn't home yet and she would have just let herself in so I immediately felt wary.

What if Cathy's crowd from school were outside?

What if Julian was outside?

I don't think I could face any of them right now.

After much pestering from my sister, who didn't want to remove her eyes from the screen to get the door herself, I sheepishly opened the letter box a tiny bit to see who it was.

It was Clara. I could deal with Clara. I let her in and she gave me a hug straight away. This was a warm, friendly, Clara hug. Not like Julian's hug in the slightest.

Katie still asked in a classic-annoying-sister kind of way 'Is Clara your girlfriend now?'

Clara simply laughed her dainty, wind-chime laugh and said jokily

'No, Simon's far too good for me.'

Then I ushered her into the kitchen to escape the bombardment of insults from my sister (all about me, of course) and closed the door. Katie must have been reabsorbed by the television, because she didn't follow us.

'I heard the rumors, Simon...' Clara cut to the chase in her general no-nonsense style, 'Are you gay?'

I bit my lip and shuffled in my chair, across the table from where she was sitting.

'I'm not sure.' was the best answer I could give.

'I see...' was all she said, thoughtfully, but her wise eyes were staring at me, and I felt like they were trying to see into my mind and suss out how I really felt. I broke eye-contact.

'I assume that... you know about Julian now...' she carried on and then stopped at my shocked reaction.

'You knew? For how long?' I asked, stunned.

'He talked to me about it last year, when he realized how he felt. He needed somebody to talk to and he thought you would be too freaked out.' she explained straightforwardly.

I opened my mouth to protest and then shut it again reluctantly. I would have been freaked out. Clara knows me too well. Then I opened it again, but for a different reason.

'A whole year... how long has he... liked me?' I felt awkward saying this and felt the colour rising into my cheeks.

'You made him realize that he was gay. He first developed feelings for you.' I could feel Clara's eyes still boring into me, telling the utter truth. Clara never had the talent or will to tell lies, anyway.

'Me? Why me?' I argued, not wanting to think how long I had been oblivious to Julian's one-sided love.

'Well... you're Julian's closest friend. You're a caring person and you have a sweet, innocent look.'

'Closest friend? Well, obviously not seeming as he told you first!' by this point I was nearly shouting. I felt jealous of Clara - why hadn't he talked to me?

'Because he felt that way he was afraid of getting rejected by you if he talked to you about it. He didn't want to ruin your friendship.'

This knocked all the anger out of me. I couldn't stay mad anymore. Julian had sacrificed his own feelings just for our friendship...

I became conspicuous of the fact that I was standing up and sat down again sloppily, causing the wooden chair to make a grating noise against the tiles.

'Anyway, innocent, sweet look you say? More like ignorant and stupid!' I joked, laughing nervously. Clara shook her head.

'You don't give yourself enough credit. You may not like the way you look, but I think you look handsome.' she said and added 'I really do.' when she saw my bemused expression.

Handsome. A word I don't associate with my name. I look tall to the point of being awkwardly so and because I'm so thin I don't look balanced out. My hair, black in colour, is always messy and I think my green eyes are slightly too piercing. I look like a deer in headlights most of the time.

My mum opening the kitchen door and peering in at us signified the end of this personal conversation. My mum is practically a saint in a business suit, but she isn't very tactful and always seems to enter a room at the wrong time.

Her hair is black like mine, but never messy. It seems every aspect of her life is tidied the way she likes it and even after dad left she could still cope. When I was little I used to think she was invincible.

There were so many more questions I wanted to ask: Did Julian think I was handsome? What has he said about me? Has he ever felt the same way about anyone else? But Clara got up, about to leave.

'My parents don't think I'm out at the moment.' she explained, with not a hint of shame in her voice, and she left the house. I made an excuse about feeling ill and went to bed.

Here I am now, at 9pm, writing away.

Goodnight. There's no point in staying up.