Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

Saturday 19th March

11am

I've still managed to wake up at the usual late time even though I went to bed so early last night.

I can't stand being inside anymore - I have to get out of this house.

11.30am

Here I am at the hiding spot I use when I'm not at school. The spot is perfect for my mood - a small, bleak beach on a dark, oppressive morning. This is the advantage of living on the edge of Cornwall. I only use this beach when it isn't summer and tourists aren't swarming around. I usually spend my summer with Clara and...

Julian.

I don't know what we are anymore. Friends? Friends don't kiss. Lovers? No. That's just too weird! What do you call it then? Our relationship has become strange and alien to me. I don't understand what Julian wants me to be to him. If that makes any sense at all.

The low roar of an engine has disturbed me, but I'm ignoring it. I don't care who wants to intrude on my peace. I won't let them.

I'm contemplating how long I can stay off school until I get caught. I think I'll persuade my mum that I have a grave illness that means I'll be off for a couple of weeks.

Like I'm that good at acting.

In fact, when I...

Oh crap. Crap crap crap!

I wish I'd checked who it was. It's Julian. Here. In my secret place. I regret the fact that I told him about both of my secret hiding places. There's no way I can escape from him.

I suppose I need to put the diary away and talk to him...

2pm

A lot has just happened. (Understatement of the year much?)

I heard Julian walking across the sand but I didn't want to turn around. I was childishly hoping that he didn't know it was me and would leave me alone.

He sat down beside me, his bike leathers squelching as he moved and his long curly hair floating in the wind, and said nothing. We both sat in silence for a few minutes. I didn't know what to say to him anymore.

'Simon. Are you annoyed with me?' Julian finally spoke and the question baffled me. Why would I be annoyed? Cathy spread the rumor, not him!

'Why would I be annoyed with you?' I spoke my mind.

'Because I got you into this mess. If I hadn't pressured you, hadn't started this, then you would have been fine.' Julian was blaming himself again and this annoyed me.

'You didn't pressure me!' My voice rose. 'If you hadn't started this, then I wouldn't know that I'm...' My voice caught in my throat and I fell silent. I didn't want to say the word. I didn't want to confirm it.

'You don't have to lie to me. This is all my fault.' Julian said, sounding bitter towards himself and utterly defeated. Clara had told me he didn't want to lose our friendship. He thought I didn't want him...

I did.

Abandoning all dignity, I turned around and practically launched myself at him, burying my face in his chest and putting my arms around him.

'I'm not lying.' I said seriously 'I've chosen this myself. None of it is your fault. Never think that again.' I didn't want him to give up on me. I just didn't feel quite ready yet.

Tentatively, he put his arms around me and rested his head on top of mine. I liked the way he smelt, the way his body felt against mine, the way his long hair tickled my forehead. I liked everything about him. He felt safe.

'I'm glad.' was all he said, but he held me tighter and his voice was full of a pleasure that he must have kept locked up for a long time. I still couldn't believe that he had felt this way for a whole year. I must be really slow on the uptake.

We ended up lying on the sand in each other's arms. (Here I go, sounding like a corny romantic.) I was glad I had realized his feelings, otherwise this might have never happened.

Soon we had to break apart and walk back, covered in sand, to Julian's motorcycle, because an old couple had just chosen the wrong time to take a stroll on the beach. I didn't think they'd approve of two boys embracing on the beach like we were.

That got me thinking who would accept our relationship. Not just in general, but people I knew. Clara practically already knew, and she and all her manga friends would probably accept if not enjoy our relationship (after her friends managed to get over Julian.)

My mother... I'm not sure. I think she'd get over it after the initial shock, because she's pretty open on these matters. As for Dad... I don't want to ever tell him. Even though he left when I was fourteen, I knew his opinion on homosexuality.

I clearly remember the time when we were watching one of Mum's favorite sitcoms, Will and Grace, and Dad changed the channel in disgust after he found out two of the main characters were gay. It didn't concern me at the time because I felt that it didn't concern me at all. How wrong I was.

My sister is still young, so she'd probably find it funny or gross. But, seeming as she isn't being influenced by dad, hopefully she won't grow up homophobic. It's not like I'll tell her for a long time, anyway.

I know already that the people at school don't accept it, but I don't care anymore. As long as Julian's there I'll be fine. I can always hang out with Clara's group as well. If people are so close minded, I don't want to know them anyway.

Julian gave me a lift home (he had a spare helmet under his bike seat) and it's the first time I've rode on a bike. I liked the feel of wind sailing past me, but I preferred the feeling of clinging on to Julian by far.

He dropped me back home and at the door he lingered, but I didn't feel ready to kiss again yet. I wanted to do it at the right time and not mess it up. I mess up a lot of things if they're spontaneous.

4pm

Still lying on the sofa, thinking. And writing - as I always do.

I think I will tell my mum but not now. When the time is right.

My dad? I don't ever want to see him again, let alone tell him.

Just realized - I haven't even said 'it' yet. Those two words that have been lingering deep inside of me for so long.

Here we go...

'I'm gay.' I've just said it. Out loud. It feels like the weight of the world has just been lifted off my shoulders and I've never felt better. If only Julian was here and I could confess to him. Huh, I'll have to keep it to myself for now. I want Julian to hear first.

I think I'll just say it, to myself, one more time. Just to confirm it.

'I'm gay!' I almost shout, to my own amusement.

'You're what?!' I hear someone say behind me...