Why Don't I Like Girls Anymore?

Saturday 19th March

'You're what...?' I heard a shocked voice behind me...

6pm

I've just had a long chat... with my mum... who heard my confession.

At first, like I'd earlier predicted on the beach, she was shocked. To the point of being hysterical. My mum is liberal, but she always thought her son would be normal and find a wife and have a big white wedding to be proud of.

My mother's always liked big white weddings. She still has her wedding dress somewhere in the house, in the hope that someday my bride will wear it. Somehow I don't think that will happen, seeming as instead of a bride I have Julian.

I didn't just think of Julian in a wedding dress and laugh.

Mum walked into the kitchen, her eyes frozen in shock, and I followed her. My mum also liked to talk about things like this.

She slumped into one of the kitchen chairs, not looking where she was going. Instead, her wide eyes stared at the ground. She was thinking things over.

Then, after a few minutes of me shifting my weight from foot to foot, a habit when I feel in an awkward position, she looked straight into my eyes and asked me

'Are you really gay?'

This wasn't how I'd planned it, but I couldn't lie to her. That would just create problems for both of us. I really had wanted to tell Julian first though...

'Yes, I'm gay.' I said, staring at the floor.

Then my mother started asking other questions. When had I found out? A few days ago. How had you found out? My friend Julian... (I didn't want to expand on that one)

Her last question: 'Will you be responsible?' I said yes, even though I hardly know what's going to happen myself.

Mum's eyes glossed over again and she stared at the kitchen table without even blinking for a long time.

Then she said 'Alright then' and walked out of the room. I could see the tears gathering in the corners of her eyes and I felt guilty. If only I was straight, then she would be happy. She could get her big white wedding.

I didn't go after her. I sensed that she needed time to mull over things.

So here I am now, reporting on the latest events in my life. I think this diary is the only thing keeping me sane right now. As soon as I've written the thoughts down here, I feel like I can release them from my head and it makes things easier.

Maybe I should have just written 'I'm gay' here and not said it out loud. That's what got me into my latest mess.

At least I didn't have to confess out of my own courage. Perhaps finding out without me wanting her to has it's upside.

I think I'm going to do something completely nonconstructive now, just so my brain can shut down and not think anymore.

I'm thinking: sitting down on comfy leather sofa and switching on the television. I need to watch some music videos...

Sunday 20th March

4pm

Literally nothing has happened today.

I resorted to doing homework to cure my boredom. Homework!

Sunday's the day Julian spends with his dad (his parents split up when he was little) and Clara usually sees her manga friends and draws and talks about stuff I know nothing about on a Sunday so I don't usually see her.

I'm just thinking about how last weekend, because Clara was free and Julian's dad had the flu, we all got together at Julian's mum's house and had time just to talk like we used to. It's a rare thing, seeming as we're all busy most of the time.

I just hope now that we won't drift apart...

I don't even want to think about school tomorrow. I forgot about my plan of gradually getting 'ill' over the weekend so my mum won't buy it. I have to go.

As long as Julian's there, it'll be okay though. We have most of our classes together on a Monday, thankfully. It's just lunch and break I'm not looking forward to. That's when the popular kids can attack...

But I can fight back. I can beat them at their own game. All I need to do is keep my cool.

Monday 21st March.

7am

I don't believe any of the reassuring stuff I said yesterday today. I will still go to school, I am forcing myself to. I just need to weather the storm.

They're just idiots. They can't hurt me with their words.

Yes they can, yes they can. I know they can. People like them always get to me.

That's because I've never had the chance to be a person like them. A popular person. I'm always on the outside, closed out from their little circle.

Not that I want to be one of them. It would just be nice if I was more accepted and less ridiculed.

Well, I might as well get up and make myself look confident for school, even though I don't feel like it...